SMS, WhatsApp, e-mail and other modern means of communication make life easier and at the same time greatly complicate life. We expect that our messages will be responded to quickly, and best of all, immediately, without receiving a response, we begin to worry and even suffer. English writer Christine Munby wrote an essay about a new kind of addiction.
“Where have you gone? I sent you a text an hour and a half ago and you still haven’t replied! My phone says it was delivered, but maybe it still didn’t go through? I will try again. Here, I’m sending. And now my phone says you read the first message two minutes after you sent it! But you still don’t answer! What’s the matter? It’s so hard to double tap the phone and dial OK? Why are you silent? Are you ignoring me? You left me? You died?»
In fact, the recipient received the message while boarding a train in London to go to France for a summit on global conservation issues. After departure, he found himself in a «blind» zone, where mobile communications are not available. Therefore, the reply message he wrote did not go away, which he did not know about. I noticed the notification “Your message was not sent” only when I arrived in France, but did not immediately write to you, assuming that the message would cost a dozen pounds, and decided that I would send a reply for free via WhatsApp when I got to the hotel where there would be Wi -Fi.
During these hours, the sender quickly covered the distance from the question “Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?” to the question “Have you met someone else?”.
In the old days, before most of us had answering machines, it was harder for us to feel rejected. If you could not wait for a call from a person you really wanted to hear, you could explain this by saying that he probably tried to get through exactly in those ten minutes when you ran out to a nearby store.
The advent of the answering machine marked the beginning of the end of this blessed era of telephone innocence. But at that stage, you could still tell yourself that perhaps the girl with whom you are renting an apartment as a couple accidentally deleted the message with the message addressed to you.
We couldn’t know the truth for sure. Then there was a telephone service that allowed you to find out from which number they called you at home while you, say, went for cigarettes. But even then there was a loophole — after all, sometimes we heard “The number was not determined” and could imagine that behind this incognito the object of our sighs was hidden.
But today we have no chance to be deceived. According to statistics, only a quarter of smartphone users ever use voice messages. Now we write to each other.
Intonation in a text message is impossible to catch
Journalist Daisy Buchanan explains the millennial approach to this issue this way: “We are constantly in touch with each other, but written communication allows us to participate in the conversation in the mode that we choose for ourselves. And we don’t care if we misinterpret the intonation of the interlocutor, looking at these black letters on a white background.”
Don’t care about misinterpretation? Wow! As someone who is meticulous with grammar in all of their messages and will never write “Are you OK son?” even when my significant other ignores five messages in a row, I would strongly argue with this statement. That’s a damn wrong idea! Intonation in the text is most often impossible to catch!
But back to the situation where there is no text. No black letters on a white background. Text messages and emails have become the go-to mode of communication for people who don’t want to offend anyone. It is no longer necessary to say something unpleasant to a person in person — there is WhatsApp for this. But there is still an opportunity not to answer a difficult question at all — just to pretend that they did not read the message.
Ignoring messages is a sign of passive-aggressive behavior
What if you are the person who is answered with silence? And after all, manufacturers of modern phones have deprived us of the opportunity to indulge ourselves with false hopes. Our gadget regularly reports on what happens to the message: “Delivered”, “Read”. And so it was ignored.
The worst thing is the typing indicator, when the ellipsis in the messenger shows that the recipient started writing a reply message, and then for some reason changed his mind about sending it.
If you yourself do this, then perhaps you think that you are behaving diplomatically with an overly persistent correspondent? You are wrong. Psychotherapists consider ignoring messages and emails as a sign of passive-aggressive behavior.
Gene Twenge, researcher and author of Generation Me, offers insight into the motives of both sides. You can understand those who prefer not to answer, she says: “For example, if you are already stressed, then you don’t want to put yourself under even more stress by saying no to someone, it’s easier for you to just ignore their message.” On the other hand, not answering is not very humane: “You do not take into account what it is like to wait for an answer. In some cases, such an expectation and attempts to guess why the addressee is silent can threaten the development of depression.
«Silence punishment» is regarded as a form of psychological abuse
The latest research shows that if a person unsuccessfully tries to establish communication with someone, changes occur in his brain. Specifically, the anterior cingulate cortex, which is responsible for the sensation of pain, is activated. Prolonged activation of this zone can manifest itself in symptoms such as chronic fatigue, headaches, and even irritable bowel syndrome. The more significant the person who ignores us, the stronger these manifestations. Not surprisingly, «punishment by silence» is regarded by many experts as a form of psychological abuse.
In 1901, when the absence of a response letter could be explained by the reasons «probably the carrier pigeon was shot,» George Bernard Shaw wrote in the play «The Devil’s Disciple»: «The greatest sin in relation to one’s neighbor is not hatred, but indifference; this is truly the pinnacle of inhumanity.»
The show was right. It only takes 10 seconds or less to type and send a message like “OK” and your mother, partner, friend or boss will not go crazy with excitement. Isn’t it worth it?
About the Author: Christine Munby is an English writer. Her novels «Seven Sunny Days», «Liza is ready for anything», «The Lonely Hearts Club» have been translated into Russian.