Why don’t we understand teenagers?

Adolescence is often compared to a zone of turbulence: not only those who directly fall into it, but also those who are nearby, first of all, parents, begin to “shake”. And yet, the «strange» behavior of adolescents can be deciphered, and our adults’ reactions to it are quite understandable. Let us analyze the causes of parental misunderstanding and fears.

We are jealous

It is not easy for many to accept the fact that our children grow up, become sexually attractive, enter into an intimate life. We demand that they look decent and study well, be inquisitive, not angry or rude. It seems that we worry about them, but in fact we are controlled by our own fears. And above all, the fear of growing old and being left alone, in an “empty nest”.

We are not always ready to see in a teenager a new person who has a different body and emotions, goals and ideas. Condemnation of his behavior and appearance allows us to maintain the illusion of the immutability of our lives: we continue to treat him as a helpless child and at the same time involuntarily compete with him, sometimes reaching a real war.

The tale of Snow White is a perfect example of this conflict: a stepmother tries to get rid of her stepdaughter in order to maintain her status as the only seductive woman.

But the example of her daughter and stepmother is extreme, but this is what 17-year-old Yana says: “When I turned 15, over the summer I stretched out 10 cm, my breasts grew. Mom began to find fault with my friends, manner of speaking, appearance, often humiliated me and ridiculed me in front of everyone. I realized that I could no longer trust her, I was lonely and hurt … «

They do everything not to be understood

Where did the child we raised, with whom we were so close, go? Why is he now behaving so strangely and defiantly, experimenting with hair and clothes, being rude, smoking, playing music at full volume? In a word, he provokes adults in all possible ways.

Unable to find the exact words to express the feelings that he is experiencing, the teenager deliberately distorts speech. Disunity with parents begins with claims to vocabulary. Mitya, 16 years old: “It’s cool to talk to friends on the phone in our“ secret ”language when my parents hear me: they don’t understand anything and start to freak out, they demand that I“ speak normally ”…”

During puberty, adolescents are emotionally very unstable: their mood can change several times within an hour. They often get tired, become irritable and vulnerable. Any criticism at this moment is perceived as another confirmation of self-dislike. Paradox: teenagers are looking for themselves, trying this and that, advancing in jerks and stepping back, creating themselves, surrounding their world with a veil of mystery.

At the same time, they constantly arrange «forays» into adult territories. And through provocations they seek confirmation of their existence, their «I». They need to get an answer, a reaction, meet resistance that will convince them that change is really happening, and understand what is happening to them.

Conflict with us helps them grow up

Parents no longer need to “understand everything” or strive for “maximum closeness” with the child: for adolescents, this only causes anxiety. What do they expect from us? So that we leave them alone and do not use our own life experience as an example? Or are they still waiting for our questions, interest, participation, and maybe some control, and clear restrictions?

Paradoxically, all of this together. But how to support your child, protect him without limiting the freedom he needs to realize himself?

There are no ready answers to these questions. But there is advice worth heeding: it’s time for the parents of a teenager to abandon the idea of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXb»merging» an adult and a child, to stop projecting themselves onto his emerging personality. In relations with him, it is necessary to look for the right distance and not consider yourself the cause and culprit of all the difficulties of the child.

“Do not ask pushy questions, but remain open to conversation on any topic,” advise all of our experts. If a child talks to you — about anything, if he strives for a discussion — even if it turns into an argument — then everything is in order with him: there is contact between you, and this is the most important thing.

We are worried about them

A teenager constantly eludes us — and we are looking for signs that will allow us to understand what exactly is happening to him. But even here there is a risk: our search may turn into a search for «pathologies». Many parents live in constant fear of missing out on some major problem or even disaster. And they also believe that the signs of danger in all adolescents are the same. But it’s not.

If a girl does not want to eat, this does not mean at all that she has anorexia. Perhaps, by her refusal, she signals to her parents about some of her experiences. But for two different girls, experiences will never be the same, even if their external manifestations are similar.

Having succumbed to their anxiety, adults often take the position of observers in relation to their child. He takes it as a sign of distrust. And gradually he ceases to trust them … but also himself. A teenager first of all needs to be listened to, and not at all to be examined “under a microscope” or to follow his every step and gesture.

Adolescence, with all its complexities and many meanings, is a wonderful period of life, when everything happens for the first time, when a new view of the world is born. This is a time of heightened feelings, strong feelings, but also lightness.

Our teenagers give us the opportunity to re-encounter this «gone to the bottom» part of our nature, to return to our own origins, without falling into envy or nostalgia. And if we ourselves are no longer afraid of this, the children will come out of this period safely — matured.

Stop being afraid of them

There are no magic recipes, no universal advice for parents, but there are guidelines that will help us understand what is happening with teenagers … and stop being afraid of them.

1. Transitional age is not a disease, even if it brings suffering. Everything just changes in a child.

2. Adolescence is not serene. If the child lives his «quietly», adults should be worried. “Successful” is only that upbringing that gives the teenager the strength to rebel.

3. This is a period of perestroika: a teenager seems to live on a construction site, where he must first clear everything in order to build himself anew. Let’s remember:

• no one can accurately predict how long the “works” will last;
• given their scope, a certain number of problems are inevitable;
• surely something that was unsuccessfully “laid” in the foundation of childhood will manifest itself. Discoveries can be painful, but once the problem is seen, it can be solved.

4. His psyche is being rebuilt. The teenager redefines:

• image (negative or positive) of oneself;
• their sexual identity (feels like a “real guy” or “real girl”);
• their individuality, that is, the ability to exist, think and make decisions independently;
• its driving force, which encourages him to develop, make plans, think about his future;
• their attitude to people, their rules and social norms, the ability to communicate with them and make friends …

5. A variety of problems can be considered “normal”:

• lack of confidence in oneself and in how other people perceive it;
• «Tomboy» or «tough guy» — a teenager is worried, doubting his femininity or masculinity;
• deep anxiety and fears based on the search for oneself;
• doubts, confusion before the need to step into an independent «big life»;
• confusion before the future, a teenager is looking for meaning: “If you need to grow and move forward, then why?”;
• unwillingness to obey «laws» in the broad sense of the word, the temptation to «flirt» with prohibitions;
• the impossibility of finding friends or, conversely, the preoccupation with the life of the company — almost to the point of losing individuality …

6. When is it time to get serious? When the problems are really serious or their solution is too long. When he withdraws into himself, when he has neither a friend nor a girlfriend, when he completely abandoned his studies. Or he does not want anything from life, he does not make any plans and, of course, when he breaks the law. Also, parents may be worried if the child wages a protracted war with them for any reason: often for him this is a way to get away from real problems.

7. What should we do if we sense danger approaching? Consult with a psychologist, talk about your concerns and, if the child refuses the help of a specialist, at least get it yourself.

8. And finally, stop self-flagellation! None of us are perfect. To become adults, children need to break away from us. Even if we are far from perfect, it means that they are lucky: if we were perfect, they would never be able to part with us …