Why don’t we like the way we look?

This question – like many good questions – does not have a simple answer. “Our attitude to appearance depends entirely on whether we have contact with ourselves, with others and with what surrounds us,” explains psychotherapist Marina Khazanova.

Although life in society obliges everyone to observe certain decency, we all nevertheless belong either to the category of “carefully looking after ourselves” or to “dressing somehow.” The former never truly relax, even alone, at home. The latter, on the other hand, never make sufficient efforts in relation to their appearance – even in those rare situations when social norms oblige them to do so. And few of us live in complete harmony with our appearance.

Two extremes

“I never understood why people allow themselves to look so bad,” admits 27-year-old Maya. “I always care about being stunning. Every day I do make-up and manicure, I pick up an outfit, I leave the house. And what? At work, they think I’m too pretentious. Friends – that I’m obsessed with my own appearance. The young man is embarrassed – he thinks that in my outfit you can safely go to the Cannes Film Festival, not like in a cafe.

In contrast to Maya, 32-year-old Irina appears everywhere only in trousers and voluminous shapeless sweaters that completely hide the silhouette. She admits that she went to such an extreme, involuntarily comparing herself to her mother – the embodiment of elegance.

“Mom and now, in her sixties, remains, as they say, a spectacular woman. I was an awkward teenager. I remember it like it was yesterday: I try on a dress, and my mother sighs and twists her lips.

The feeling that it is impossible to achieve the parental ideal (and perhaps an unconscious unwillingness to become a rival of the mother) is translated into the desire to “look natural, without embellishment.” This is nothing more than a message from the inner “I”: I want to be loved for who I am, and not for who I seem to be.

This is confirmed by 26-year-old Ekaterina: “I have absolutely no desire or time to change anything. And is it necessary? I am annoyed by modern pop values: ninety-sixty-ninety, tinsel and sparkles. Let the one who is capable appreciate my inner world!”

(Un)desire to be liked

However, you should not take this message at face value, equating the reluctance to decorate yourself with naturalness and authenticity, and perfectionism with superficiality.

“This is far from the truth,” says psychotherapist Gisele Arrus-Revidy. – The formula “I am who I am, whether you like it or not” is too narcissistic. It implies that all the work of rapprochement, understanding should be done by another. Without making the slightest effort to external self-improvement, you can create the impression that you refuse to please, which means that you are no longer a rival to other women. But let’s not forget that you can achieve your goal under the mask … “

If the perfectionist reduces the body to the role of a mannequin, on which he thoughtfully places the details of the suit, then the adherent of “easelessness” is content with bodily functionality.

“The worse our contact with the body, the less able we are to see it objectively – the way it really is,” says Marina Khazanova. – It is this false image, the lack of an internal idea of ​​​​your body that makes the scales tilt to one of the extremes. The body is either tamed, refined and exposed, or hidden and forgotten. However, in both cases, a person neglects the real physical and emotional component of his own body.

Relax a little or, on the contrary, show a little more attention to yourself? The whole essence of the problem is precisely in this “slightly”. In order for us to be able to look at ourselves objectively, we first need to clarify the source of the tendency to excessive perfectionism or, conversely, to neglect our appearance.

“In both cases, the gaze of other people plays a major role,” explains Gisele Arrus-Revidy. – The inadequate importance attached to appearance suggests that something was wrong with the very first “look of the other” in our life. The pleasure of being liked comes from the mother. And when we pay too much or too little attention to appearance, it means that deep down we feel that we were not (even for a while) the center of the universe for her.

Find pleasure

And the constant demonstration of an impeccable appearance, and the complete rejection of caring for one’s appearance are all signs of psycho-emotional discomfort. Constant efforts are required from perfectionists, and those who neglect their appearance are forced to give up something, which is always accompanied by suffering, sometimes unconscious.

“Perfectionism, generated by anxiety, itself generates even more anxiety,” suggests existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. – To always be on top, you need not to weaken control over yourself for a minute. In fact, the perfectionist seeks not so much to charm others as to reassure himself: by controlling his appearance, he hopes to control his emotions and sexual desire – in other words, that which eludes his power and appears to be a threat to him.

The suffering of the “neglecting” in most cases stems from a bad attitude towards themselves. Somewhere in the depths of their souls they are convinced that they are not worth a kind word. Even in those who only play untidiness – up to the conscious mutilation of their own image – there is this bitterness of renunciation, this pain.

To find a balance, it is necessary to realize that these two extremes bring more stress and suffering than pleasure. And move on to actions that are quite symbolic: spend less time “cleaning feathers” if you are a perfectionist, or make a little extra effort when it comes to appearance if you usually neglect it.

“In order for the changes to be deep, you need to feel the beneficial effects of small changes,” continues Svetlana Krivtsova. “The source of pleasure will be a more comfortable relationship with yourself.”

The main thing is to decide on the first step, as 43-year-old Lilia did. A year ago, on the advice of a friend, she cut off the braid, which she had not parted with since her school years, and dyed her dark blond hair with noticeable graying in a rich chestnut color.

“For a whole week I had one desire – to hide: all the compliments made me only regret the lost “invisibility”. But one morning I suddenly saw that … it looks beautiful. For the first time in my life, I liked my reflection. I had the feeling that these changes gave me some kind of inner lightness and, maybe, a desire to treat myself better.