Why doesn’t he want to get married?

Close relationships involve a full-fledged interchange of important resources, which at a certain point leads to dependence on each other. Psychologically healthy dependence of two loving people is a necessary condition for rapprochement. It is made up of several factors:

• Satisfaction: «We get the support we need for our mental well-being.»
• Contribution: “We have already invested a lot in this relationship.”
• Alternative: «He (she) suits me better than others.»

One study, in which psychologists followed couples for seven months, showed that emotional bonding was strengthened when Satisfaction and Contribution increased, but Alternatives decreased. Those whose relationship broke off showed a decrease in the first two factors, but a significant increase in the “alternative”, that is, the ability to satisfy their needs with another person.

Subsequent research has shown that feelings of closeness to a partner can persist even at relatively low levels of satisfaction, if we have no other alternatives and we have already invested a lot in the relationship.

The researchers also interviewed women who had experienced domestic violence. Those who did not receive enough warmth and support (satisfaction), but said that they had shared children and memories (investment), admitted that they still felt intimacy. The desire to return also dominated those who did not receive outside support and did not believe that their life could improve without a husband.

Why do we avoid close relationships?

Financial independence has made women much less dependent on men.

“This, on the one hand, turned out to be a positive factor, freeing women from having to enter into relationships that do not bring joy,” says personality psychologist Jeremy Nicholson. “On the other hand, the desire for autonomy had a negative impact on the very motivation for rapprochement and the inevitable emotional dependence on a man, without which healthy, trusting relationships are impossible.”

It was also not easy for men to accept this challenge of time. Divorce, which has now become a solution for women in the event that they are no longer satisfied with marriage, threatens men with unfavorable consequences: the need to pay alimony, deprivation of the opportunity to live with children.

“Thus, in the eyes of some men, deep intimacy runs the risk of significant difficulties, while offering too modest benefits,” says Jeremy Nicholson. “After all, caring for a husband and children has ceased to be the only important goal for a woman.”

“Independent partnerships, in which we seek to protect ourselves from mental trauma in advance by restricting access to another in our lives, can bring certain social benefits,” says cognitive psychologist Alena Matvienko. “However, this also negatively affects our deep need for emotional closeness and trust. When both partners generously give each other spiritual strength, then the feeling of deep connection, which brings mutual joy and inner stability, becomes a reward.

How can we get closer?

Find someone who is ready for a relationship

We can knock endlessly on a closed door, but even if it eventually opens, we may not be happy to meet the one we have so stubbornly sought.

If a person does not share what you have to offer, and his needs at the moment do not overlap with yours — for example, he prefers to build a career or maintain romantic relationships with several people — then all your attempts to get close to him are doomed to failure.

Therefore, an important condition for close relationships is a meeting with a person who is potentially ready for them.

Don’t be afraid to give

It is important to understand what exactly the partner expects and create an exchange space in which both will be easy and free. Feel free to talk more often about those qualities of a loved one that are especially dear to you. It could be his ability to listen to you, make you laugh, or make you a cup of your favorite tea. Do not hide from your partner everything that is so dear to you in him: a look, touches, hugs that feel special with this person.

Let him know that his physical presence in your life makes you happy. Try to give your partner exactly what he needs at the moment: words that increase his self-confidence, willingness to share his new interests, or just short messages that remind you that you are there and thinking about him.

Don’t be afraid to take

As the English saying goes, «two always dance the tango,» so don’t resist your partner’s desire to give back. Sometimes we are overwhelmed by the feeling that excessive care deprives us of independence. However, it is the expended emotional and spiritual forces that bring them together. Be open to everything your partner is willing to share with you.