Sometimes an active, cheerful child clearly feels insecure when surrounded by peers – he is embarrassed to play with them, withdraws into himself, although he communicates calmly and with pleasure with familiar adults. Why is he afraid of other children? Observations of psychologist Olga Troitskaya.
It focuses on adult issues
One of the possible reasons is that the child is brought up in the family as a partner of adults. Adults treat him as an equal. This happens when a mother shares her experiences with her daughter as a friend. When the child is delegated too much responsibility. When he should help, sympathize, support adult conversations and encourage him in every possible way when adults like him. As a result, the child has an “internal controller”: he is completely focused on the problems of adults, he tries to behave towards them in the right way, because they expect something from him! Surrounding children seem empty to such a child, behaving strangely. He does not understand what it means to be free and at ease. Running, pushing, screaming – how is it? What for? Usually the roles in families where children with such problems grow up are skewed. Parents supposedly raised the still fragile little man to their level, and as a result, they turned out to be neither an adult nor a child. A person who, at the same time, thinks something like this: dad does everything wrong – why is he quarreling with mom? Or: mother is so good, but unhappy, because her father offends her, and her grandmother yells at her. It turns out that the mother is small, and he, the child, is big. Adults need to work on their relationships, not burden children with them. Instead, they proudly say: “My daughter is not a child for me, but a friend!” or “My son is my only support!”. Parents would do well in these cases to realize who is who’s support. It is important that the child sees in them a model of adult behavior and attitude to life.
Read more:
- Julia Gippenreiter: “Learning to communicate is a natural process”
He’s just shy
The task of the parents of a shy child is to help him master the space. And here it is very important not to put pressure on him: “Go get to know each other, play with the guys!” Perhaps he will step over himself, go, but he will also learn the lesson that his inner experiences are not particularly important to you. If you want your child to play with children, stop talking to your friends while walking, take a step to the playground, start some kind of game with your child and involve two or three more children in it. You can begin to communicate in a more comfortable situation for the child – invite one or two children to visit. Next to you and in a familiar environment, your child will feel much freer. Then you can create a situation for the children to play on their own. If parents at least sometimes play with their children’s peers, take them out of town or into the forest with their child, their son or daughter acquires a certain status in the children’s company, they communicate with him more and more willingly.
Read more:
- Don’t call your child shy!
Play Together
The ability to communicate with peers is formed in a child after three years, very gradually. By the age of four or five, children are more willing to join in collective games, but it is better to play them under the guidance of an adult. He will explain the rules and invite other children. It is still difficult for five-year-old children to play on their own: they scream and push, they cannot always understand the essence of the game. It is easier if children of different ages play: five-year-olds run according to the rules set by eight-nine-year-olds. In general, it is very important that children play not only educational and educational games, but also games with roles and rules: hide and seek, Cossack robbers, and bast shoes. These games are very ancient, archetypal, their different versions exist among many peoples from time immemorial. While playing them, the child communicates with peers, learns to work in a team, he has emotional contact with others, and at the same time he follows the rules – ideal conditions for personal development!1
Olga Troitskaya is a family psychologist, body-oriented therapist, member of the Moscow Society of Family Therapists and Consultants, head of the Olga Troitskaya Workshop.
1 Read more about this in the book “The Soul of Your Child. 40 questions parents ask about their children” (Nikeya, 2014)