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Comparing yourself to others is unproductive, but in fact, it is unlikely that you will be able to completely forbid yourself from any comparisons. The desire to compare will not go anywhere, but will only become less conscious and begin to cause harm on the sly, choosing unexpected moments and methods. Can it be influenced?
What happens to us when we compare?
“My friend’s children started talking before mine”, “a classmate has his own business, although I always studied better”, “friends travel several times a year, and I haven’t gone anywhere for a long time”, “she came only six months ago, but she already received a promotion «.
Comparing our successes with what others have achieved, we seem to stop noticing ourselves, our attention focuses on those around us. We forget what we have achieved, what we have succeeded in, mentally «failing» into someone else’s life. The achievements of others seem significant, and we easily devalue our own: “What I have achieved is within the power of everyone.”
Why does what someone else has become so meaningful?
Most likely, in some area of life we experience chronic dissatisfaction. Perhaps we are trying hard but unsuccessfully to build a career. We take additional courses, build up experience, show initiative, however, no matter how hard we try, a colleague gets a promotion. Or we can’t find the right partner, we get the wrong ones, the relationship doesn’t last long, or it hurts.
It doesn’t really matter where we feel like failures — in careers, relationships, parenting, or whatever. Most importantly, we try our best, but we notice that others manage to achieve more with less effort. Usually at this moment there is a feeling of injustice, resentment, and maybe even anger at those who are more fortunate.
An unpleasant desire to compare is unlikely to arise where we are satisfied with our results. However, in the area where we have to spend titanic, according to our feelings, efforts, luck smiling at another hurts especially painfully.
In what situations do I most often compare myself to others?
Observe in what area of life comparison causes the most discomfort. Where do you feel you haven’t achieved enough? Now imagine that you have what you want. For example, you were promoted or you met the perfect person with whom you are ready to build a family. How will you feel in this case?
Do not rush to answer that you will buy yourself an expensive car or start planning a trip together. It is more important to focus on the feeling that these purchases or actions will give you. We think that things or people can make us happy. However, in reality, they often only help to experience what you cannot feel on your own. So the latest iPhone model can symbolize belonging to a certain category of people.
Success is subjective, not everyone dreams of their own yacht or fashion brand clothes. However, the lifestyle that someone you know may seem especially attractive. It is important to ask yourself: what kind of people are they, what attracts me to them, why do I want to be like them? What will it mean for me to belong to their group?
Reflections like these often take us back to childhood. Some were taught to save, even when the family budget allows you to buy a more expensive thing, others were set up to be the first everywhere. And someone will notice that the thirst for achievements is another attempt to finally earn the love of parents.
Let’s reformulate the problem
Sometimes, having discovered the deeper roots of the problem, we notice how the degree of internal tension subsides at the sight of more successful people. In this case, we understand that we can get what we want in a different way, or we are convinced that we want something else altogether.
But it also happens the other way around: looking at the problem from the other side, we touch on a more old and painful topic. Even if understanding the source of discomfort has not completely eliminated it, we can now reformulate the problem. Instead of the abstract dream of “earning a lot”, there will be a desire to learn how to manage the budget differently, or it will become clearer to us what kind of prosperity we are striving for.
Don’t beat yourself up when you compare yourself to someone else again. Any feelings are always an opportunity to learn a little more about yourself. Trying to understand what exactly the situation hurts us, we increase the chances of finally finding the key to what has been worrying us for a long time.