Contents
Why do you call love what is really emotional dependence?
Psychology
According to the psychologist Lidia G. Asensi, it is important to bear in mind that our relationships will be marked by our childhood and the type of attachment that was generated with our main caregivers
“It is important to bear in mind that our relationships are going to be marked by our childhood and the type of attachment that was generated with our main caregivers.” These are the words of Lidia G. Asensi, a psychologist at the Cepsim psychological center, who establishes that the way we interact with our direct caregivers will be decisive when establishing relationships throughout our lives, since they find clear differences between the love relationships and affection of those that are based on dependence on fears or insecurities.
If you have a partner or a stage in which you had has come to mind, would you know how to differentiate if what you experienced was love or, on the contrary, your relationship was based on emotional dependence? The psychologist Lidia G. Asensi indicates that people with emotional dependence are usually very complacent people who put aside their own needs to attend and meet the needs of their partner, giving themselves an extra care: «They are people who they seek well-being abroad, in this case in the couple, so their emotions are highly variable and dependent on what surrounds them “, describes the psychology expert, so the way in which these people regulate their emotions will always be through of the other. That is, they co-regulate their emotions, and they will only achieve calm when their partner is by their side.
These individuals, unconsciously, seek in their partner those affective deficiencies of childhood. They are people who show great mistrust, fear of abandonment and loneliness and, in the words of Lidia G. Asensi, “cover their discomfort through their relationship with others.”
Causes of dependency
Lidia G. Asensi explains that the relationship with parents in childhood must be taken into account. The bond has three basic pillars: providing security, allowing exploration, calming and / or regulating emotions. Through the bond, the future adult will acquire security and confidence in himself, as well as in the world around him. If, on the contrary, the bond is not secure, certain insecurities appear in the person: «They may be people who either lived a very overprotective environment or, on the other hand, there was a situation of ‘abandonment’ where the parents were not emotionally available or physically, “he says, adding that” fear and the feeling of danger will always appear. ”
«Faced with this insecure bond, the child will adapt to the environment to ease your discomfort and to obtain the external recognition it needs ”, comments the expert.
How to end dependency
First of all, it is important to identify how we are in our Relationship. Do I find myself this way because there are problems in the relationship or is it more related to myself? Identifying this is the first step to be able to solve what is causing discomfort and identify the basis of the problem.
“In the case of being in a dependency relationship, it is interesting to go to a professional and be able to work together on everything that is generating the fear of loss”, proposes Lidia G. Asensi. Likewise, the expert believes it is convenient to delimit between the couple and oneself: «You have to dedicate time as a couple, but also individual time. To have an activity that is solely of oneself and to enjoy doing it, without the need to be in company.
Giving the couple space and understanding that it is something necessary and healthy will allow the relationship to work better. It is important to bear in mind that before living as a couple, we are and we are, so it is essential to take into account, take care of and love yourself: «I always say that ‘to take care of others it is important to take care of ourselves first themselves’. Learn to have moments of loneliness and enjoy them. Becoming your best company », advises the psychologist.
It is love if there is …
- Security
- Self care
- You attend to your needs
- Communication
- Trust
- Respect
- Equality
- Individual time
It is dependency if …
- You need to feel cared for by the other party
- You feel fear of abandonment, loneliness and rejection
- There is excessive care towards the partner
- You put aside your own needs
- You perceive yourself as invalid or not capable
- You feel insecure
- You have low self esteem
- You look for security in the other
- You have difficulty making decisions