Questions «Why?» have two main meanings: the meaning «If possible, please explain to me» and the meaning «I express dissatisfaction and demand.»
Like, «What’s stupid?» or “What the hell and how long will this continue?”
The first form, where you ask for clarifications, can be called «Smart Why», the second, where the dissatisfaction, demand or objection is in the question — «Displeased Why». Smart Why makes you smarter and causes you respect (at least — understanding), Disgruntled Why generates tension and conflict.
To avoid misunderstandings, be careful with the questions “Why?” If possible, avoid the short form «Why?» Explain your question
Perhaps you do not understand the interlocutor and ask «Why?» To better understand his vision and motives. But a short, unexplained «Why?» very similar to Dissatisfied Why, can be easily understood by the interlocutor as Dissatisfied Why, the interlocutor begins to tense up, make excuses or run into you. This happens especially often in correspondence, when the interlocutor does not see your (sweet and friendly) facial expression … To prevent this from happening, avoid short “Why?”, Explain your question in more detail. For example, “Why did you decide to stop at this decision? What advantages do you see. what are the downsides? Your vision is very important to me.»
If you are dissatisfied with something and do not understand why a person did this, try instead of Dissatisfied Why to ask (again) with a request or clear instructions (requirements). You come home from work and see scattered things, although in the morning you asked your son to clean everything up. Instead of «Why?» it’s easier and more reasonable to ask again and that he starts doing it in front of you. And then, when everything is removed, you can talk about the reasons. Although, rather, the conversation will no longer be relevant.
«Why didn’t you clean your room?» «Why are you teasing your little sister?» «Why are you stuck in front of the TV again?» «Why did you bite the boy?» And the general: «Why don’t you listen to me?» «Why don’t you ever do what I tell you?»
All these questions are rhetorical, they do not imply an answer, and are often supplemented with critical remarks like: “You have already frayed all my nerves!” and «It’s just unbearable!».
The question «Why are you doing this?» sometimes replaced with «Here’s what should I do with you?» Think about it: even a professional psychologist will find it difficult to answer both of these questions. Think about it: there is no more sense in such questions of yours than in the foolish behavior of your child.
It is quite understandable that the child will not want to answer such questions, and will not be able to answer them, even if he wanted to.
At best, you will hear the answer as a thoughtless “Because,” or a dumb “I don’t know,” or a cheeky “Because I want to,” and more often than not, children ignore your questions. At the same time, it is very possible that the child will comment on your question as “Stupid mother”, and this is not at all what he “thinks about”.
As a rule, these why-questions are the erroneous behavior of parents and express our helplessness (with the defense “Well, how many times have I told him!”) And our anger (desire to take revenge).
Instead of Dissatisfied Why, make requests or give clear instructions (requirements). «Why are you stuck in front of the TV again?» replace with: “Turn off the TV (wait for it to be done). What is your plan now? Lessons or a walk?
If you want to understand the meaning of actions, ask not «Why», but «For what, why, for what purpose.» The question «Why» often refers to the past and includes excuses. The question «Why» is more constructive and helps to look into the future. It teaches people to think (at least people think a lot when they are looking for answers to this question), analyze their actions, and stimulate awareness.