Why do women so often try to re-educate men

“If a woman wants to change a man, it’s time to stop judging her”

“Years ago, I attended a talk about the difference in behavior between men and women during a relationship. Women choose men in whom they see the potential for further change, while men are more willing to accept their companions for who they are.

Almost all participants in the meeting agreed with this, recognizing that a man, as a rule, makes his choice in favor of a partner, only after making sure that she meets his internal requirements. A woman is often ready to turn a blind eye to shortcomings, believing that “it will help him become better.” It was called the fundamental female mistake.”

Sharing this observation, coach Chris Armstrong further admits that he has been working with couples for more than ten years and is ready to challenge the universality of the voiced thesis.

He believes that if women did not obviously have greater internal flexibility than men and rejected all those who did not meet their expectations in some way, we would all be alone and the institution of the family could be forgotten.

A woman (and this often distinguishes her from a man) strives for the completeness of the relationship: physical, emotional and intellectual fusion with a partner. However, these three components are rarely found in one person, which is why she inevitably has to compromise.

The man is more prosaic. When he finds a woman with whom he is psychologically comfortable, most likely, he really will not attempt to change anything in her.

At the same time, it will take a lot of time for him to agree to admit that he is “in a relationship”, while a woman makes a bolder choice and sets off towards her feelings.

Obviously, if the same magical “chemistry” that connects them happens between the two, the woman hopes that she will be able to change or smooth out in the course of the relationship certain qualities of a loved one that do not suit her. And as a result, it gets stuck in a real “Bermuda Triangle” of conflicting advice.

Armstrong points to apparent contradictions.

• On the one hand, experts urge her to learn to accept her partner for who he is and stop all attempts to fix him.
• On the other hand, we are talking about the need to make more efforts to maintain relationships, because up to 80% of divorces are initiated by women.
• And on the third, we also never tire of reminding women of a respectful attitude towards their desires and needs, we urge them not to put up with the behavior of men that does not suit them.

This baffles even a relationship expert.

“How to be a woman? the coach thinks. Let’s imagine that she is married and suffers from her husband’s intemperance. If she follows the recommendations of the first, then she must come to terms and accept everything as it is. The latter, on the contrary, are advised to work on relationships, which means not to hush up the problems that exist between partners. Still others will call such a connection toxic, calling for it to be broken as soon as possible.

According to the popular theory, he married her because she suits him completely. In other words, he was well aware of his incontinence and understood that she knew about it, but according to an unspoken agreement, she was ready to put up with it.

According to Armstrong, this gives many people a reason to blame the woman for being aware of everything and nevertheless going into this relationship.

The expert disagrees with this for several reasons:

1. Almost all of us, when meeting, try to smooth out not the most attractive features. For real, they are discovered only over time, when people begin to live together, and not just meet. It would be dishonest and naive to expect every woman to know everything she will face during courtship.

2. By focusing on the woman’s mistake, we turn a blind eye to what caused the conflict – the behavior of her man. Perhaps she made a mistake by agreeing to this union. However, “it’s time to stop blaming women for wanting to change something about their partner. This is a completely natural desire. Otherwise, we make the woman the symbolic culprit of the situation, while she only reacts to the behavior of the other side, which very often cannot be called worthy, ”the expert emphasizes.

“At first, the partner is just an imaginary image, it is impossible to accept him as he is”

Lev Khegai, Jungian analyst

People, of course, enter into relationships because of feelings for each other, and not in order to change the other. Any relationship is based on projections. In love, ideal qualities are attributed to the partner – as a rule, what the subject himself lacks. That is, from the very beginning they do not accept “as he is” simply because they do not yet know what he really is.

In an attempt to prevent the inevitable disappointment (due to the fact that the partner turned out to be “the wrong person”), both parties may apply unconscious pressure so that he / she remains in their eyes a “noble knight” and a “beautiful lady”. In any social communication, we expect something from the other and, in turn, adapt to his expectations.

Our own expectations may be formed from the experience of earlier relationships. For example, I want a partner to embody the positive parts of parental figures: to be caring, like a mother, and strong, like a father.

In addition, expectations are influenced by collective stereotypes. So, a woman is expected to be a good housewife and mother. And from a man – career success. These expectations are activated automatically, the partner can feel them, adjusting or protesting if he is in the grip of the rebellious archetype.

I suppose no one enters into a relationship with the conscious goal of changing the partner in the direction of their ideal. If it looks like this, then we are already dealing with pathology.

Women who remake their man were too identified with the maternal role (Margarita Pavlovna and Khobotov in Pokrovsky Gates) – here it is no longer a female-male relationship, but a parent-child relationship.

There is another scenario of female neurosis with masochistic features, when a woman (“Beauty”) sacrifices herself for the sake of a dream that her man will one day turn from a Beast into a Prince Charming. Usually behind this codependency pattern lies the trauma inflicted by the daughter’s father. In therapy, such patients need to start getting more involved in their own lives and heal the “monster” inside them.

I do not think that women dream of changing their partner more than men. They visit psychologists more often and are more willing to talk about relationship problems, which makes it look like they are more interested in change than men.

If the relationship is at an impasse, then both want changes. But they may have different reflective abilities, verbal skills, and propensity to seek help.