Who among us has not lied to an unwanted interlocutor about having a partner? Who hasn’t pretended to have fun in bed when it wasn’t true? Here are some reasons why women are dishonest.
“For a man, lying is the last resort; for a woman — first aid, ”said the artist Gelett Burgess. One can argue with this opposition, but, nevertheless, one should carefully consider the wording used in the second part of the phrase. Unfortunately, over the centuries, women have indeed had to be dishonest too often. They are blamed for this, and some still believe that the tendency to lie is almost a biologically determined feature of all women.
Lux Alptraum, a sex educator and writer, explores the reasons that force women around the world to tell others the wrong information about themselves and their sexuality. Her book, Pretending: Why Women Lie About Sex and the Truth Behind It, can be recommended to anyone who wants to understand the reasons why women choose to hide this or that truth about themselves.
Alptraum offers an impartial look at objects and phenomena about which women prefer not to tell the whole truth. Her book contains testimonies from representatives of different cultures, opinions of sociologists, sexologists and lawyers. We have selected a few items from the researcher’s list. Her arguments will help to understand a little better the reasons why women do not always tell the truth about themselves.
Orgasm
If earlier female pleasure seemed optional, and even harmful, today we hear that without it, sex is not sex. With good intentions, society has driven us into the same trap, only in a different form.
There is nothing wrong with taking care of your partner. But it happens that the woman herself does not want to reach orgasm: not ready, not in the mood, tired. Perhaps she gets an orgasm in some other way — and it is no worse than the one achieved with a partner. But the fear of seeming «wrong» or upsetting her partner makes her lie about how she has already received satisfaction.
“The imitation of an orgasm, usually symbolizing the suppression of sexual desires and female dissatisfaction, at the same time frees from the need to conform to the stereotypes that society has brought to sexual life, requiring the fulfillment of all elements of the“ program ”,” Lux Alptraum is sure.
Paradoxically, this seemingly wrong action gives us the freedom to control our own bodies and sensations.
By the way, not only women simulate an orgasm. In a 25 study by the Journal of Sex Research, 2010% of men admitted to lying about it at least once in their lives. Ironically, Alptraum notes, they have the same reason for lying as women do: “Respondents resort to deception if they feel they are unlikely to climax. They want to round off, complete the act, but at the same time they do not want to offend their partner.
Having a partner
The model of relations between a man and a woman consists of many stereotypes. For example, “When a woman says no, it really means yes.” Or: «A man must conquer a woman, even if she resists.» That is why women often have to lie about non-existent relationships.
When someone you don’t like shows signs of attention to you, the first thing that comes to mind is to say that you are already “busy”. Unfortunately, in today’s society, women’s «no» is still far from being heard by everyone. And a non-existent partner does not always help in such situations.
“Countless women have said to countless men, ‘I have a partner’ or something like that, but they didn’t listen. They did not allow the thought that their attention is unwanted, ”writes Lux Alptraum.
To avoid such situations, a girl can wear a ring on “the very finger”: a sure sign that she has someone. We would like to avoid such lies, but sometimes our health and life depend on it.
Criticisms of this ruse say it supports the theory that men and their power are more important than women’s desires. But when your health is at stake, when your task is to protect yourself from the aggressor, it is very difficult to maintain a commitment to high principles, writes Lux Alptraum.
This way of avoiding unwanted attention demonstrates a lack of interest on our part, but «spares the male ego.»
Sexual experience
Each of us remembers our first sexual experience. Most likely, it did not look like a scene from a romantic movie, in which such stories usually look almost perfect. And only over time we learned to receive and give pleasure. Any skills are based on experience and the opportunity to practice, and the sexual sphere is no exception.
“The belief that we are born with knowledge in this area is deeply erroneous and even dangerous. And yet it is very widespread,” writes Lux Alptraum.
When we are asked about how many sexual partners we have had, we often do not tell the whole truth, because there is no right answer to this question. How many should there be? How many of them will give others a reason to consider us licentious, how many — «blue stockings»?
“On the one hand, men say they want to deal with an inexperienced girlfriend, on the other hand, they dream that she could do a lot, including what comes only after many years of sexual practice,” explains the sex educator.
And so we have to be cunning when we hear such questions.
Lux Alptraum touches in her book on other difficult aspects of female sexual life, about which we often prefer not to tell the whole truth — consent and disagreement for sex, contraception, virginity, the experience of violence.
“We take time to make our existence easier; we lie to protect ourselves; we lie, because even when we tell the truth, still no one believes. However, the main reason for our lies is that the world requires us to conform to an unattainable ideal,” writes Lux Alptraum.
It does not offer us to decide whether to follow this path and lie or refuse it and live honestly. But she reminds women that they can’t feel safe until the only way to protect themselves is to lie. Fortunately, the world is changing and each of us can start to believe in ourselves.