Women’s rivalry is a common theme in literature and cinema. They say about them: «sworn friends.» And intrigues and gossip in women’s groups are recognized as commonplace. What is the root of the discord? Why do women compete even with those they are friends with?
“Real female friendship, solidarity and sisterly feelings exist. But it happens otherwise. We and our lifestyle are not liked by a huge number of women around simply because we are also “from Venus,” says sexologist and relationship specialist Nikki Goldstein.
She lists three reasons why women are so often unkind to to each other:
jealousy;
feeling of own vulnerability;
competition.
“The enmity between girls begins already in the lower grades of school, says Joyce Benenson, an evolutionary biologist at Harvard University. “If boys openly physically attack those they don’t like, girls show much higher levels of hostility, which is expressed in cunning and manipulation.”
Stereotype of a «good girl» does not allow small women to openly express aggression, and it becomes veiled. In the future, this pattern of behavior is transferred to adulthood.
Joyce Benenson researched1 and concluded that women do much better in pairs than in groups. Especially if equality is not respected in the latter and a certain hierarchy arises. “Women need to take care of the needs of their children and aging parents throughout their lives,” says Joyce Beneson. “If a family clan, a marriage partner, “equal” friends are perceived as assistants in this difficult matter, then women see a direct threat in female strangers.”
In addition to careerists, the women’s community also does not favor sexually liberated and sexually attractive members of the same sex.
According to Nikki Goldstein, most women are not inclined to support their successful female colleagues at work due to high vulnerability and social dependence. More emotional and anxious in nature, they tend to compare themselves to others and project their fear of professional failure onto them.
In the same way, dissatisfaction with one’s appearance pushes one to look for faults in others. In addition to careerists, the women’s community also does not favor sexually liberated and sexually attractive members of the same sex.
“Sex is indeed often used by some women as a tool for solving various problems,” states Nikki Goldstein. – Popular culture contributes to the stereotypical image of a carefree beauty, who is judged only in terms of appearance. These stereotypes frustrate women who want to be valued for their intelligence.»
Sexologist Zhana Vrangalova from the National Institute for Development and Research in New York conducted a study in 2013 that showed that female students avoid friendship with classmates who often change partners.2. Unlike students, for whom the number of sexual partners their friends have is not so important.
“But hostility between women reaches its maximum when they have children, says Nikki Goldstein. Should the baby be allowed to cry? Are diapers harmful? At what age should a child start walking and talking? All of these are favorite topics for skirmishes in women’s communities and playgrounds. These relationships are exhausting. There will always be another mother who will criticize your parenting methods.
In order to get rid of negativity, Nikki Goldstein advises women to praise each other more often and not be afraid to openly talk about their experiences.
“Sometimes it’s important to admit to your girlfriends: “Yes, I’m not perfect. I’m an ordinary woman. I am just like you.» And then envy may be replaced by empathy and compassion.”
1 J. Benenson «The development of human female competition: Allies and adversaries», Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society, B, October 2013.
2 Z. Vrangalova et al. «Birds of a feather? Not when it comes to sexual permissiveness», Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 2013, № 31.