They are afraid of anal sex. The thought of oral sex disgusts them… But for fear of being deceived or abandoned, they cannot say «no» to their partner.
More than 30 years have passed since the sexual revolution with its mottos “Pleasure without limits” and “My body belongs only to me” — and many women have not learned how to refuse a man that sexual practice that is unpleasant for them.
“Oral sex is absolutely not mine, just thinking about it makes me sick,” Natalya complains. “Still, I sometimes force myself to give him a blowjob to please him. How to get out of this situation? Alena echoes her: “Some time ago, my husband began to persuade me to have anal sex. I refuse all the time, I’m afraid that it will hurt me too much, but I feel that I have to go through it.
Breaking the contract
The stories of women making concessions in the intimate sphere testify to a fundamental fear: to see that the man they love will “go to the left”, to destroy the social image of their couple, to condemn themselves to loneliness that inspires horror. Refusal for them means the risk of violating the marriage contract.
But the fact is that the couple also concludes an unspoken sexual contract. In other words, he finds his sexual path: what gives pleasure to both, what can and cannot be accepted at a certain segment of an intimate relationship. Around this set of rules, the couple builds their sex life.
“If one of the partners decides to go beyond the boundaries marked with red flags, then he breaks the unspoken contract,” explains sexologist Jacques Weinberg. “Because the initiative for change usually comes from the man, women sometimes decide that the marriage contract is more important than the sexual one: they force themselves.”
Sex Opponents
“Male sexuality is always that of a conqueror,” explains psychoanalyst Jacqueline Schaeffer, author of Women’s Refusal (Presses Universitaires de France, 2013). “She is opposed to female sexuality, which has something of an erotic masochism, perhaps because women agree to be pierced by a man’s penis.”
In the female subconscious, we often meet the dream of a strong, sometimes cruel man, which causes fantasies of kidnapping or violence. Thus, female sexuality is based on fantasies, and the idea of dominance is an element of pleasure.
“But the problem is that the line between erotic and moral masochism is very thin,” emphasizes Jacqueline Schaeffer. — The first can lead to enjoyment. The second leads to cruelty, repression, sometimes violence and sadomasochism. In such a situation, sex becomes just an additional tool of social dominance, a visible sign of male omnipotence. Interestingly, women themselves usually do not recognize this situation as violence, considering it to be something ordinary.
A load of guilt
Among the reasons why they say «yes» when they think «no», women often cite an attempt to rekindle a fading desire. “Of course, work, children and twenty years of living together make themselves felt,” says 44-year-old Marina. “A lot of times I don’t want to have sex at all. Sometimes I force myself a little, because I know: I am slowly swinging, but then the desire comes.
But it is important to understand that respect for the desire of another has nothing to do with forced sex. The latter leads not only to frigidity and cooling in a couple, but also to a terrifying devaluation of one’s own image.
Jacqueline Schaeffer recalls a patient who described her sexual relationship with her husband as follows: «I have the feeling that he goes to me out of need.» Women may talk about it at a therapist’s appointment, but feel completely unable to talk about it with their spouse.
According to psychosexologist Frédéric Gruyer, women who agree to practices that are unacceptable to them feel guilty because they think that they are not all right. These are the first victims of the advice that the media throws at us: what to do and what not to do, what is normal and what is not.”
This feeling of guilt is sometimes covered by love: «I’m doing this because I love him.»
“In sexuality, in the nature of a man — to take, to own, in the nature of a woman — to resist, to surrender, but also to give,” emphasizes Jacqueline Schaeffer. — It leads to maternal feeling. Many women perceive their husband as a child: if he wants it, I will give it to him, albeit to the detriment of my own pleasure.
Thus, a woman endangers her own mental balance. “Saying yes when you think no is giving your partner a right that they don’t own: the right to abuse our body,” says psychoanalyst Martina Teyjak. “We are the owners of our body and, renouncing this domination, we renounce all pleasure.”
The best way to say no is to tell the truth: that you don’t like what he asks you to do, that you don’t want to imitate, that it’s a matter of desire, not love. Just imitation undermines the couple: no stable relationship can be based on lies. Do women say they do not want to discuss this topic for fear of being abandoned or deceived?
“The paradox is that they will be abandoned or deceived precisely because they did not speak on this topic,” retorts Martina Teillac. — Relationships in a couple should be built on the desire to share everything, including our bodies. If we do not share because there is violence, then the couple no longer exists. It’s just an appearance.»