Why do women fantasize about love

At one in the morning in the apartment of 27-year-old Marina, the phone rings. The excited voice of her best friend sounds in the receiver: Veronica could not wait for the morning to tell the news – she met an amazing man. They talked for the whole evening, and Veronica is convinced that it is this man who is destined to become the father of her children – this feeling visits her for the fifth time in the last three years, but “this time everything is for real.” Her chosen one has a wonderful sense of humor and pleasant manners, he is courageous, but not at all macho.

Saying goodbye, they exchanged phone numbers, and Veronica is already waiting for his call and checking messengers. It is not clear why he does not call and is rarely online. This moment becomes the starting point for the present investigation. Now the relationship with the handsome prince is overgrown with vivid details, and then the friends proceed to the most intriguing part – the search for secret signs that indicate that this man is also crazy about Veronica.

If the prince lacks passion, the friends will reconstruct the biography of the candidate and will surely discover in his childhood or youth the reason that prevents him from fully surrendering to feelings. If the couple is not destined to work out, then there can be only one explanation for this: the handsome prince is just a neurotic who is afraid of close relationships.

These scenarios of imaginary romance are of great importance for women: they increase their self-esteem, making them feel more significant and attractive.

developed imagination

It is not so important whether the relationship is destined to develop or whether it ends before it starts. Girlfriends will still discuss them, unraveling the unclear meaning of accidentally dropped phrases, trying to recognize the secret signs of feelings and gradually building the image of an ideal man, if necessary, they will easily overthrow him from the pedestal.

“Scenarios created in our imagination are an integral part of love relationships,” says psychoanalytic psychotherapist Vitaly Zimin. – A woman builds the image of a real man into her internal fantasy scenario. It is as if she is trying on a new situation for herself, checking how appropriate the man she likes will be in the ideal world created by her imagination.

Sweet dreams trigger a mechanism in the female body by which endorphin, a hormone that has the properties of an effective antidepressant, begins to be produced. The same thing happens when we leaf through a sumptuously illustrated cookbook: colorful photographs excite the appetite, although it is impossible to taste the delicacies imprinted on them.

Fantasies – a female prerogative?

“Men also play scenes with the participation of the person they like in their imagination,” explains Vitaly Zimin. “But dreams evoke deeper emotions in a woman, intense excitement and awe.”

There are several reasons for this. “Children learn early on the idea that a woman is more interested in relationships and family than a man, and “by nature” she is more sociable, emotional and sensual. As a result, many adults sincerely believe that a woman really has more power and responsibility in a couple, and it is she who is responsible for maintaining and developing relationships, ”explains psychotherapist Ekaterina Zhornyak.

In addition, in society there is a stable idea that every girl, having matured, must certainly meet her handsome prince. “From childhood, she is being prepared for the“ main meeting ”, for marriage,” continues Ekaterina Zhornyak, “which becomes almost the main goal of her whole life, the crown of all efforts and the ultimate dream.”

Another reason for the special role that the imagination plays in the lives of women is historical. “Our cultural tradition is such that the role of a woman, mother or wife, who let her son or husband go to a difficult, perhaps military life, was to wait for him to return home,” comments psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova. “While the man was in distant lands, the woman had no choice but to mentally transport herself to where her beloved was, imagining what he could be doing at that moment.”

There are, however, women who consciously do not let their imagination run wild. “I try not to invent or think out what is not really there,” admits 35-year-old Ksenia. “I am very afraid that if I create some kind of ideal design and believe in it, how cruel disappointment will inevitably befall me.”

But the conscious refusal to create love scenarios is similar to the refusal to contact oneself, with one’s “I”, because dreams and fantasies are powerful tools of self-knowledge. “The work of the imagination allows a woman to get closer to herself, understand her own desires, analyze her values ​​and, in the long run, choose a partner who can share and support them,” believes Ekaterina Zhornyak.

justify desire

“But at the same time, most fantasies also reflect forbidden desires tabooed by society – this is the nature of the human soul,” says Vitaly Zimin. “Consciously, a woman can afford quite innocent dreams, which actually reflect her deep unconscious fantasies, provoked by unsatisfied desires.”

Many simply do not dare to express them openly, for fear of seeming vulgar. They justify their true aspirations by masking them from themselves and from those around them with pictures of ideal love and dreams of creating a family and children.

Therefore, for innocent questions to a friend, “Maybe I should call him first?”, “What if I invite him to a restaurant myself?” others lurk, often unconscious: “Are you not shocked by the desire that this man makes in me?”, “Do I have the right to have sex with him?”

Men, unlike women, do not ask such questions, since modern morality allows and even prescribes them to openly express their sexual desires and impulses.

Rules of the game

There is always a danger that the imagination will take the dreamer too far from reality. But under some circumstances, creating love scenarios with friends can remain a pleasant and comfortable experience.

This process has its own rules. The first of them says that the exchange of dreams should remain a game and bring pleasure to both participants in the conversation. As soon as one of them begins to feel that she is being used, that the interlocutor is trying to relieve her own anxiety or assert herself at her expense, harmony collapses and there can no longer be any talk of any pleasure.

“When I heard for the hundredth time from Irina:“ You won’t believe it, I finally met the man of my dreams! ”, Then I suddenly caught myself feeling nothing but boredom and irritation,” says 30-year-old Anastasia. “I knew to the minute what was going to happen next.

First, she will tell how much they have in common with the new chosen one and what an amazing smile he has. Then she will wait for his call and come up with reasons why he could not get through to her.

I will have to play the role of a vest again, comforting her and inventing new confirmations that everything with Andrey (Artem, Sergey or someone else) will be fine in the end. I realized that I no longer want to participate in this meaningless game that takes so much time and effort from me.

The second rule: the advice that one friend gives to another must be adequate. For example, if one claims that she wants to get married, but spends all her time dreaming about a semi-mythical lover from the past, the other may draw her attention to the fact that her declared goals are at odds with her actions.

But any advice is based on my own experience and is given based on ideas about an ideal relationship with a man. Realizing this is the first step towards understanding: even the most astute friend cannot accurately predict the future of a particular love story.

The end of the film

Imagining scenarios of love relationships, a woman gets pleasure, gets rid of anxiety and tension. However, the need for such fantasies is significantly reduced after not invented, but real love relationships appear in her life. After all, now it is with a partner that she will be able to dream and make plans for the future.

And the point is not at all that she suddenly consciously and abruptly decides to abandon the fantasy world in favor of the real world. It is impossible to turn off the imagination completely. But nevertheless, its fruits no longer play the same role from the moment when a love relationship with a man takes on concrete outlines. After all, real life can bring much more satisfaction than the richest fantasy.