These men fascinate many bright and successful women. Which is not surprising: the narcissist man is brilliant and witty, he is a wonderful boyfriend. The role of the «mirror» of its splendor may seem fascinating and even honorable. But why do women stubbornly hold on to these relationships, even when they turn into torture?
For women who endure toxic relationships with a destructive partner, Rome-based psychotherapist Umberta Telfener addressed her book Married to a Narcissist. Survival Guide for Women in Love. This fascinating study in Italy has become a bestseller, but has not yet been translated into Russian. According to Umberta Telfener, there are several underlying reasons why women subconsciously choose an alliance with a narcissist:
1. Maternal instinct. An emotionally immature, often hesitant partner turns for a woman into a son, whom she never had or who has already grown up. She sees him as an exceptional, intelligent and gifted «kid».
This partner — «son» — can be proud of, brag about, he illuminates her life with his presence and gives a feeling of constant employment, the need and importance of his role. But at the same time, this “son” is very disappointing when in fact it turns out to be not so exceptional: he withdraws into himself, fails, promises, but does not deliver. Having a high conceit, he is often not up to par.
In general, this is a «son» who causes a lot of tenderness and a little anxiety, with whom it is difficult to get angry and who still needs his mother and her protection.
2. Competitiveness and self-care. Many women like the role of «savior»: they are trying to breathe energy into their men, dispel their anguish, return to them the joy of life. Take on all their hardships. And the narcissist, indeed, is not able to refuse the admiring glance directed at him.
Through a relationship with a narcissistic man, a woman tries to get closer to an idealized figure from the past.
But in fact, this game called «it is in my power to give you life» is not only aimed at a man. It is a contest which women wage with themselves and with their rivals. The challenge is to win the battle where others have failed. But the mission turns out to be impossible, as a result, they will also lose.
Very often behind the attempt to save a man lies the need to save herself. The attention and care directed at him is actually an indirect way of taking care of himself, an attempt to heal his wounds, restore his vitality: «I do to him the way I would like to be done to me.»
3. Search for the «lost» father. The experience of a woman’s relationship with her father also plays a role. Most likely, in childhood, the adored father was unavailable to her for some reason, he promised a lot, but in fact he could not meet expectations (and with a high probability he was also a narcissistic person).
And now, through a relationship with a narcissistic man, a woman is trying to get closer to an idealized figure from the past. This time, she hopes not only to renew the dialogue with that dear and beloved person, but also to bring the relationship to a happy end.
She re-lives the familiar feelings of tension and complexity, because her partner, like her father, promises a lot, but in fact is eliminated and demands even more himself.
4. Restarting the dominant script. Often, it is the relationship with a narcissistic man that enables a woman to realize her repetitive behavioral script, live it more intensely and finally try to free herself from it.
One gets the feeling that this type of men instinctively, like a thin scalpel, touches their pain points — so that they can finally wake up and give an account of their medical history, accurately determining the diagnosis.
These relationships highlight the problems that are significant for the entire family history, those fears that have been passed down from generation to generation (fear of betrayal, betrayal, loneliness, rejection). And now the time has come to recognize these fears, live and outgrow them.
5. Justifying your own ambivalence. A difficult relationship with a narcissistic man allows you to justify your own ambivalence (“I want — I don’t want”, “I like him — but not so much”, “I would like to be in this relationship, but it’s good that he disappoints me, which means , this story is not forever).
In modern culture, women often choose an indirect, indirect way of expressing themselves.
A relationship with a male narcissist is often entered into by women who are afraid of certainty in a relationship, perceive stability as a limitation, feeling something similar to claustrophobia. This is their kind of defense mechanism.
For example, a woman chooses a man who constantly cheats on her, because she herself has a penchant for adultery, but she is not ready to admit it. The partner’s trips to the «left» seem to protect her from her own craving for treason.
6. The partner expresses something deep and hidden. In modern culture, women often choose an indirect, indirect way of expressing themselves. They unconsciously delegate to a man their ability to present themselves to the world, to state a certain position. They hide behind their seemingly strong and influential companion to demonstrate important aspects of their «I» — unusual ideas, strong emotions, controversial judgments, bold actions — that would otherwise remain hidden.
The good news is that women who consciously approach these problematic relationships are given the choice of suffering further or embarking on a path of personal growth that will inevitably face their masculinity and other previously hidden aspects of their personality.
About the Author: Umberta Telfener is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, bestselling author of Married to a Narcissist. Survival Guide for Women in Love.