It has been said for many years that household duties should be divided equally between men and women. Time passes, but women still do more than their husbands.
“The turning point in our history is the bag of socks,” says 37-year-old Tatiana. – My husband has an amazing feature: he completely forgets that clean linen needs to be put in its place. He can leave his socks to “dry” for weeks, simply taking off one pair after another as needed. I was so tired of constantly reminding him of this that one day I put all my socks in a bag and put him in the bedroom by his bedside table. And what do you think? He started taking socks out of that bag! Moreover, the bag itself has not moved a millimeter from the place where I have identified it for three months. Now it sounds funny, but then we almost got divorced.
Pass the tests
- Are you asking too much of your partner?
Tatyana recalls that before marriage, her husband shared household duties with her. But gradually everything changed. It is she who now vacuums, cooks, washes floors and goes grocery shopping. “Once I thought: why am I doing all this, and not him? Tatyana continues. – We both work, we earn almost the same money, and why after work I rush headlong home to cook dinner? And what does this say about our relationship?
In the 80s, sociologists said that in 2015 we will achieve absolute domestic equality. It’s already 2016, and equality is still a long way off. Why? City University of Manchester sociologist Jenny van Hooff has long studied the life of adult couples with the same income, without children. It is in such families that an equal distribution of household responsibilities can be expected. But she found that in almost every couple, the women did significantly more. “Even when the men did do something, they were more helping the women than they were in charge,” says Jenny van Houff.
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- Signs of a “toxic” relationship: how to understand that a partner only hurts
To change the situation, it is important to find the right words. It is unlikely that this will be a peaceful conversation. Psychologist Jacqui Marson offers some advice.
- Breathe. Inhale deeply and exhale slowly, imagine that you are meditating. By being prepared, you will be able to start the conversation as relaxed as possible. After all, if you utter the first phrase with an irritated intonation, the interlocutor will pick up your mood and, instead of listening and understanding, will begin to defend himself.
- Praise. First praise your partner, tell him that you appreciate everything he does. Sincerely rejoice that he knows how, for example, to quickly hang curtains, and only then move on to negative information.
- Accept. Try to realize the fact that you, too, have something to reproach. Listen to your partner and remember everything he tells you.
- Respect each other. Try to have more “I” and less “you” in your monologue. Don’t blame your partner for anything.
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- Question to ask your partner (one day)
At the same time, Jacqui Marson agrees that responsibilities should be distributed equally and some limits should be set. For example, you can start by assigning certain tasks to each. For example: you wash the dishes, and he goes to the store. Most importantly, don’t break your agreement. “I’ll share my experience: after negotiations, my husband and I came to an agreement that he would cook,” says Jacqui Marson. “Which meant I was switching to a diet of steaks and meat pies. But I am ready to stand to the end and in no case will they change our contract.”
John A. Sanford
“Invisible Partners”
“Both men and women seek to better understand themselves in a way that has not been seen before,” begins his book on inner masculinity and femininity, American Jungian analyst and pastor John A. Sanford.
If you or your partner are afraid of making such a dramatic change in your life, Jacqui Marson recommends starting with the “one percent rule.” Ask yourself, what habit can you change by just one percent without hurting yourself? If it’s easy, try five. And then twenty.
For example, you categorically do not allow anyone to clean the apartment. Try to refrain from cleaning for once. Or let your partner make the bed, even if it seems to you that only you can pull the sheet without folds …
“I decided on this experiment and have already reached the five percent threshold,” Tatyana shares. – I don’t vacuum. And given that we have a dog living at home … I swear, it’s already possible to knit a rug out of dog hair, but I hold on. I remember the words of a psychologist: who, in fact, will die if I do not vacuum? Yes, no one. So I have a new rule. From now on, my husband and I will do everything together. Let’s see what happens”.
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