Why do women choose a partner who looks like their mother?

The statement that a man is attracted to women who resemble his mother is beyond doubt: a mother is the first and main female image that he will remember for a lifetime. And who then choose the girls?

The father figure really influences the formation of the image of the ideal partner. However, no matter what man the girl chooses, next to him she will reproduce the primary experience of relationships with her mother, says clinical psychologist Kira Romanova.

Why it happens? Intuitively, we are all looking for the same thing in relationships – the opportunity to relive the feelings that we experienced in early childhood. Lovers often talk about each other as two halves of a whole – and this is no coincidence, because in contact with the beloved we dream of a merger that returns us to a state of blissful oneness with our mother.

A newborn child is helpless and cannot do without an adult. It is contact with the mother or with the person who replaces her that gives the first experience of intimacy, the quality and characteristics of which determine what kind of relationship he will build in adulthood.

During pregnancy and after the birth of a child, a woman’s body begins to produce oxytocin, a hormone of attachment, due to which the so-called maternal instinct appears. This process is biologically conditioned to establish a close emotional bond between mother and child. In the first years of life, this connection is indeed closer than contact with the father, regardless of the sex of the child.

What was the relationship between the girl and her mother like? How did she feel about them? Let’s say mom wasn’t fully available, she was distracted by other things: having to study for exams, handing in an urgent project at work, taking care of someone else. Babies cry loudly to get their mother’s attention when they feel uncomfortable. If the girl’s cries went unanswered too often, she could develop a distrust of the world.

In Soviet times, the method of educating Benjamin Spock was popular. It was believed that it was not necessary to immediately rush to comfort a crying child: it was better to leave him in the crib and wait until he calmed down himself, otherwise he would get too used to the hands of his parents.

Kira Romanova considers such a prescription quite poisonous: “In this case, most likely, a person will choose inaccessible partners. For example, a girl’s heart will respond to men who seem to be interested in her, but work, hobbies, football or friends are much more important to them. Such a man and with her, and no. Another option for unavailability is a married partner or a person suffering from alcoholism or drug addiction.

If the mother behaves inconsistently – for example, first completely devotes herself to caring for the child, and then disappears for a while or ignores – then, growing up, a person will look for similar contact in a relationship with a partner. For example, a girl can choose a drinking man who will periodically go into binges. Like an inconsistent mother, such a partner will be either the most caring and loving, or absent.

If the mother not only ignored the child, but also devalued his achievements, often took out her anger on him, then in adulthood, the son or daughter, most likely, will unwittingly choose a person next to whom she will feel guilty. The girl will be attracted to partners who do not value her, but she will take such relationships for granted. Accustomed to earning her mother’s love, she will try to earn her partner’s love, trying to become the best for him, to exceed his expectations.

And vice versa – if the child was respected from the very beginning and accepted without judgment, he will look for the same in future relationships. Kira Romanova emphasizes that it is important to treat a child as a full-fledged person who has no less rights than adults: “If we grew up in a family in which we were respected, we will not choose a person who treats us with disdain, does not respect , violates boundaries, allows himself too much, gives advice, puts estimates. We will choose people we consider safe.”

Path to Healing

If the experience of the relationship with the mother was traumatic, then most likely the girl will experience difficulties in building close relationships. Perhaps she will come across “not those” partners who reject and do not accept, she may feel unhappy and endlessly live the scenario from childhood.

In the process of psychotherapy, the image of the rejecting or devaluing mother figure is gradually replaced by an alternative one. In contact with a psychotherapist, a person learns to create trusting relationships that he can later build with a partner. However, Kira Romanova does not recommend completely trusting love: there is a high risk that unconsciously we will again begin to be attracted to a person whose contact resembles an early traumatic experience.

It is important to be careful about such feelings and start relationships rather with sympathy and friendship: “It would be good advice not to rush to get closer. Having hastily closed the distance, we do not have time to notice something important that happens in the relationship. We can again be drawn to the wrong ones, so it is important to give ourselves time to realize how we feel in relation to this person, what exactly attracts us to him.

Ideal parents are rare, and everyone has had moments of loneliness or misunderstanding in childhood. It is not in our power to change that experience, however, realizing and accepting it, we take the first step to get out of the destructive scenario.