Psychotherapist Liz Higgins explains why women are more likely to be disappointed in relationships and what can be done to prevent divorce.
The struggle for women’s rights was not in vain: they began to break off unhealthy and unhappy relationships more often. Women say «enough» when a partner refuses to take responsibility and fulfill their responsibilities. In addition, today divorce or separation is not as difficult as it used to be.
Of course, the “emotional costs” that women incur in this are still great, and the breakup is often not easy for them. But the fact remains: women are more likely to complain that they are unhappy in a relationship, and are not ready to put up with it.
Michael Rosenfeld, a professor of sociology at Stanford University, found that women are the initiators of divorce 69% of the time. I will add my observations as a family therapist: usually it is men who call the consultation to make an appointment for a couple. What is going on? Do women give up and admit defeat too soon? Or are men too self-satisfied and not emotional enough to meet women’s requirements?
Actually, it’s because of the expectation. Many still marry, associating certain gender roles and behaviors with ideas of a long and happy marriage.
Women count on an equal union — after all, we live in the XNUMXst century. However, this does not always work out.
«I’m counting on you to put my needs first, because that’s how I deal with yours.»
«I expect you to share your emotions with me.»
«I look forward to both of us working to strengthen our relationship and make it our number one priority.»
There is nothing wrong with such expectations, but when they turn into «default expectations», real problems arise. Women count on an equal union — after all, we live in the XNUMXst century. However, in practice this does not always work out: most of us have seen other examples of family relationships. A conflict of expectations arises, partners feel resentment or guilt, and begin to doubt the future of their union.
Of course, one cannot simply divide men and women into two groups and assign their own roles to each. It is important to objectively look at the development of relationships in each particular pair. And yet it must be admitted: gender stereotypes are still strong.
Not all relationships will develop along the traditional path, and not all unions will become absolutely equal. The main thing is the values of your couple. We need to work together to build relationships that reflect these values. We strive to ensure that relationships in couples are built on mutual respect, but for this to happen on a global scale, it takes time.
It is important to be able to discuss difficult thoughts and feelings without being attacked or defensive.
Accepting the proposal of my future husband, I wanted to marry him. But did I understand what I was signing up for? Unlikely. As psychologist and author of Passion and Marriage, David Schnarch, says, “Nothing prepares you for marriage, only marriage itself.” It is important for me that my husband and I are partners. I don’t want to be in a situation where a breakup is the only way out, because I’m the only one who cares about the relationship and talks about problems.
The ability to speak heart to heart is, in my opinion, one of the key skills in married life. It is important to be able to discuss difficult thoughts and feelings without being attacked or defensive. This allows you to maintain intimacy even during difficult conversations.
As practice shows, women are at risk. We are more likely to get tired and quit. Think about solutions to problems before it’s too late. Talk frankly with your partner or seek help from a therapist. Of course, both partners must work on the relationship. But sometimes one is enough to steer the relationship in a new, healthier direction.