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We lie to protect ourselves, to impress, to keep relationships. Still, this habit does more harm than good, says psychologist Lisa Firestone. And he offers to get rid of it, for a start, ceasing to listen to his insidious “inner critic”.
There is a scene in the movie “Love by the rules and without” in which the heroine Diane Keaton sees the hero Jack Nicholson on a date with another woman. She runs out of the restaurant, followed by the guilty one. He tells her, “I never lied to you, I just told one version of the truth.” To which she replies: “The truth has no versions.” The truth can have different sides, it can be offensive and difficult to perceive, but it has no versions. The truth is always the same. And most people have problems with it. We cannot be called liars, but who has not transformed the truth so that it does not interfere with a career, family life, relationships with friends?
Pass the tests
- What role do you live in?
Psychologist Bella DePaulo found that we are lying in one in five things we say.1. Social media expert and author of Liespotting Pamela Meyer says we all lie 10 to 200 times a day2. Ask yourself the question – how honest is the world that we have created around us? How often do we lie even to ourselves? And how often do we force others to hide the truth?
Usually people tell the truth in part, pulling out only the part that the interlocutor wants to hear or that seems to them the most acceptable. The whole truth remains hidden, like most of the iceberg under water. They can hide the truth and lie “for good”, painting reality in completely new colors. Not surprisingly, lying can not only be a hindrance in relationships, but also destroy them. Even a lie told to protect someone will make you feel bad. When we lie, we stop feeling strong and independent. Here are some examples of human lies and the harm they cause.
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- You also need to know how to lie
1. Control the response
When you tell something to your friend, colleague or partner, you tell only your part of the story, your vision of what is happening? Do you paraphrase what you said to someone else? Do you miss a few unpleasant details? Think about how these small adjustments can affect the response you get from your interlocutor. Perhaps you are simply directing your friend to tell you what you want to hear? How honest is his answer if you manipulated him so skillfully?
When you control the answer by partially discovering the truth, you create an alternative reality that is beneficial to you. And then you get advice based on that fictional reality. Thus, you refuse to help in advance. Who knows, maybe real advice from a friend who knows the whole truth could be useful to you?
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- Living is harmful, and lying is shameful
2. Withhold the truth
Have you ever complained about not being able to lose weight while hiding the blueberry muffin you ate after dinner? We all have moments when we prefer not to talk about the unwanted details of our lives. Sometimes we do this so as not to hurt the feelings of another, but often all these details are important, and we know about it. For example, when telling your partner about how your day went, you might not talk about a spontaneous lunch with an ex-boyfriend. Or about light and harmless flirting with a colleague. This may not seem like a serious lie to you, but imagine the feelings of a partner who finds out about this. Even if you have nothing to hide or you still have something criminal, once withholding the facts, you will not be able to stop. So from an open and honest person, you run the risk of turning into a secretive and untrustworthy person.
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- Do we have the right to change if “no one finds out”?
3. Exaggerate
Our complexes and the desire to please other people make us paint a favorable portrait of ourselves for others. However, when we exaggerate, as if “sprinkling glitter” on reality, we feel guilty, which further hurts our self-esteem. There is a big difference between focusing on your best qualities and exaggerating. For example, at work, you make unrealistic promises to finish work in an unrealistic time frame. Moreover, you understand that nothing will be ready by tomorrow evening, but you still make this promise. And at the interview, you can talk about excellent command of a foreign language, although you have it at best with a dictionary. Over time, this will begin to lead to more serious problems if your promises do not regularly match reality. Regular exaggeration will depreciate your words and gradually lose confidence in you.
Read more:
- You also need to know how to lie
4. Gossip
Gossip is an epidemic. They are in every home, office and restaurant. We gossip at tables in coffee shops, on the Internet, and even in the media. The biggest danger of gossip is that you can never say the same to the subject of the discussion. Plus, remembering the fairy tale about the chicken that cleaned the feathers – when was this gossip true? So it’s obvious that talking behind someone else’s back can destroy relationships and cause even long-term friendships to break. Another problem is that gossip makes us cynical, destroying our capacity for understanding and compassion. When you choose a personal conversation over gossip, you become a more honest, open, and understanding person.
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- I like to gossip
Some people believe that we need to lie in order to maintain a relationship. However, by distorting reality in words, we make another person believe in it, which, you see, is unethical. So how do you stop lying to other people? The first thing to do is to stop lying to yourself. And then stop listening to your “inner critic”. He might say, “Don’t tell your boss you won’t make the presentation. Say she’ll be ready tomorrow.” Or he will offer to lie to a partner that you forgot about the memorable date. Being aware of the existence of this “inner critic”, we will be ready to recognize it, remaining honest with others.
The truth is not always easy to tell and not always pleasant to hear. But if we make it a habit, then over time we will notice that we have become more respectful. This world will be a better place if each of us tries to create a space around us filled with honesty and truth.
1 B DePaulo et al. «Lying in everyday life» Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1996, vol/ 70(5).
2 St. Martin’s Press, 2010.
See more at editions of Psychology Today.
Lisa Firestone is a clinical psychologist and director of research and education at the Glendon Association.