Resentment is a bitter feeling, and it seems strange to doom yourself to it voluntarily. And yet, over and over again, we choose this particular reaction in response to someone’s words or actions. Why is it beneficial for us to be offended?
Any situation can be assessed from different angles, and therefore, react to it in different ways. “You heard something unpleasant about yourself, and this immediately makes you decide which reaction to choose,” explains psychotherapist Marina Myaus. – There are at least three options: consider that you are simply envied (and this will raise your self-esteem), accept criticism as an incentive to improve, or go into a passive state of self-flagellation and resentment towards the one who caused the pain. How we respond to traumatic events is largely set in childhood. If the only way to get the warmth and understanding of parents was defiantly going to your room and crying, then we carry such a manipulative scenario into adulthood. The guilt of the “offender” becomes beneficial for us. Why?
Whoever is offended first is right
Resentment is the easiest way to feel superior, avoid emotionally costly conversations and the need to share responsibility for a conflict situation with the other side and compromise. Offended, we move to the childish level of relationships, where, as in fairy tales, the world consists only of good and evil characters. We take the position of the offended – “good”, and the offender becomes “bad”.
1. Relieve yourself of responsibility. We go offended, as if sacrificing ourselves: we stop defending our views in a family dispute, we concede to a colleague the project we were working on. This helps to temporarily overcome fear and self-doubt and symbolically relieve oneself of responsibility for future life decisions.
2. Get rid of guilt. Resentment allows us to do things that we would not have done under other circumstances. Offended, a woman considers herself entitled to spend the family budget on her desires and needs, and a man – to stay up late with friends. Adult children in a state of resentment get the opportunity to “disconnect” from the problems of older parents.
3. Get support and comfort. The infantile part of our personality (“I am a child”) maintains resentment, and this becomes a way to give ourselves sympathy and love. In an exaggerated form, this is manifested in the elderly, who are offended by everyone: the government, relatives, neighbors.
4. Give vent to aggression. We get the opportunity to punish a partner by choosing the tactics of a passive aggressor: we refuse to communicate, we avoid an open conversation, we release offensive remarks.
How not to fall into the trap of resentment?
It seems that being offended is the easiest way to resolve the conflict, while receiving psychological bonuses. However, because of this, we not only get stuck in a childish way of relating to the world, which stops our internal growth and the possibility of social success, but also seriously damage our health. The state of resentment causes many psychosomatic diseases. Our body cannot cope with painful feelings and responds to us with frequent sore throats, cardiovascular diseases, and asthmatic conditions. How to resist resentment?
The next step is to try to understand what is now leading the person whose words hurt you.
“Every time you feel that the words or actions of your opponent hurt you, say “stop” to yourself and remind yourself that you have a choice: to be offended or not, advises Marina Myaus. – This will allow you to bring the situation out of the field of the unconscious to the conscious level, where you are the master of the situation and remain in the position of an adult. The next step is to try to understand what is now leading the person whose words hurt you. It will also help to build distance and not get emotionally involved in the situation.
The method of rationalization allows you to resolve not only spontaneously arising grievances, but also those that have a long “statute of limitations”, in particular, against parents. When we understand that in certain circumstances they could not behave differently due to youth, lack of psychological knowledge or life difficulties, this allows us to bring children’s reactions to a conscious level and look at the situation more detached.