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Lack of restraint in language can cost us dearly. Under the influence of emotions, we often allow ourselves hurtful remarks, which we later regret. How not to succumb to the impulse of feelings? Psychologist Heidi Reeder offers three pieces of advice.
I once attended a business meeting where one of the speakers proposed a new approach to working on a project and volunteered to be in charge of it. A colleague opposed and began to convince the group to leave everything as it is.
When it became clear that the majority was not on her side, already at the door she said to someone: “This … offers a completely idiotic solution.” Others heard her comment as well. As a result, the woman demonstrated only her own impotence and the ability to easily become personal in a stressful situation – clearly not the professional qualities that one can be proud of.
Usually, before we say something, we think over our words in our head. Then, starting to speak, we edit ourselves on the go, add new phrases or change intonation depending on the reaction of the interlocutor.
And although planning a speech is part of the natural process of communication, awkward phrases still fly off the tongue.
How can this be avoided?
1. Change the way you deal with disputes
Conflicts often provoke us into language mistakes – after all, in such situations it is difficult for us to restrain emotions. Those who often experience such breakdowns treat disputes as fights without rules.
Respect for the interlocutor, the desire to listen and understand him is often not included in our plans. Not only do we not realize that we can be wrong, but we also believe that we must emerge victorious, since the truth is on our side.
Winning an argument can only be a momentary victory. Think about whether it matters in the long run
If we stop asserting ourselves in a dispute, we will have more opportunities to show attention to the interlocutor. This will ease the overall emotional stress.
By moving from a position of confrontation to a position of cooperation, we can better control our feelings and, as a result, spontaneous speech.
2. Remember your long-term interests
Winning an argument can only be a momentary victory. Under the influence of emotions, we strive to prove our case at all costs – this becomes the main goal. Think about whether it is so important in the long run. Wouldn’t it be wiser to try to find a compromise, to let the interlocutor feel that, even if you share a different point of view, you hear and understand him. This will help maintain good relations and the possibility of further cooperation.
As soon as our tasks change – from attack to interaction – speech will also change. It will reflect the new inner mood. In this state, we are less likely to make venomous comments that we regret.
3. You don’t really think so.
When we throw hurtful words in our hearts, it seems to us that at this moment we are sincere. And if we ourselves are the victim of offensive comments, then we believe that they reflect the attitude of the interlocutor towards us.
However, everything is exactly the opposite – spontaneous, emotional attacks rarely reflect a true attitude. This is just a superficial reaction associated with a particular situation.
If a child yells “I hate you” to his mother, this does not show genuine feelings for her, but it shows that he was extremely upset by her decision not to buy sweets.
It is important to remember that spontaneous remarks cannot be the criterion of truth. This will help to avoid skirmishes and think more rationally.
About the author: Heidi Reeder is a psychologist and professor of communication at Boise University, Idaho.