Modern couples can choose relationship models that suit both. We are no longer constrained by rigid social norms, but many of us still prefer loyalty. Why?
Mankind has tried many options for family relationships: polygamy, polyandry, open marriage …
“Diversity still exists, but monogamy still has priority,” says Alexander Chernikov, a family therapist.
If before adultery was condemned and even punished, now, free from the strict precepts of public morality, we still most often choose fidelity. And our choice is not accidental.
Reasons and Benefits
“Choosing monogamy is like quitting smoking: you live for today without thinking about tomorrow, and you feel proud that you don’t give in to temptation,” says 44-year-old Andrei, a former smoker and … former unfaithful husband. With Irina, his third wife, he has been living for four years.
“I cheated on my first two wives. They knew about it, but to some extent it even suited them. For Irina, cheating is absolutely unacceptable, and I decided to try to be 100% faithful. And to my surprise, I found that I really like it.”
Infidelity destroys relationships. Silently undermining many marriages, she becomes an occasion for public discussion when it comes to celebrities.
French actress Isabelle Adjani broke off relations with composer Jean-Michel Jarre. Singer Lolita Milyavskaya broke up with producer Alexander Tsekalo, and in both cases the partner’s infidelity was the reason. What is the deep meaning contained in such a seemingly banal act as treason, if its consequences can be so catastrophic?
Mature relationships give us the energy to not see loyalty as a limitation.
Until quite recently, our opinions and actions were largely dependent on social and religious morality, and free sexual behavior was the hallmark of those who challenged society.
“Today, fewer stereotypes affect relationships in a couple, and in this sense, the desire to remain faithful is associated not so much with the fear of public condemnation, but with the awareness of the value of a partner and a deep, trusting relationship with him,” explains Alexander Chernikov.
“I could never understand the meaning of being faithful for the sake of being faithful,” explains 32-year-old Emma. — Relations with my first friend were free, we openly told each other about our hobbies. But one day I felt that I was jealous and hurt. In my new alliance, I remain faithful.
With my first partner, I had a youthful love that demanded everything at once. Now it’s a mature relationship: I still have choice, and I choose fidelity because it makes me feel secure.»
“Fidelity of the soul, body and spirit, like a fortress, protects us from ourselves, from lust, which is difficult to control and therefore fraught with a potential danger to the human personality,” explains French psychotherapist Paul Salomon. “And mature relationships give us enough energy to ensure that loyalty is not perceived as a limitation.”
There are many reasons for this choice: someone remembers how he himself suffered in childhood from the infidelity of parents to each other, and, becoming an adult, seeks to protect his children from such experiences. Someone is trying to protect themselves from endless loves, considering them fascinating, but useless and unpromising.
And finally, someone realizes all the benefits of a mature relationship. Although, of course, as the French writer Etienne Ray wrote, “fidelity always consists of a bit of laziness, a bit of fear, a piece of calculation, a drop of fatigue, a grain of passivity, and sometimes it even comes across a crumb or two of fidelity.”
Loyalty comes with time
“When I cheated on my first husband, I tried to find in others what I could not find in him,” explains 36-year-old Anna. — While remaining faithful to my second husband, I try to find balance within our couple.
When I am hurt by one of his actions, instead of throwing myself into the arms of another for comfort, I openly tell him about my feelings. We listen to each other, and this mutual understanding, I hope, will help overcome the crisis in relations, if it does happen.”
When describing our idea of genuine mature love, most of us invariably talk about its three components: passion (sexual attraction and lust), confidential intimacy (honesty and mutual understanding), and fidelity (devotion and sacrifice).
We are not born into the world devoted and ready to sacrifice our feelings and desires. Sometimes it takes several years to understand yourself, your attitude to sex and decide to be faithful to one person.
“Choosing an exclusive relationship means showing your partner that he makes us feel strong, that the relationship with him is of special value – in short, that he is unique to us,” says narrative consultant Ekaterina Zhornyak. If loyalty between partners is mutual, this suggests that each of them recognizes the uniqueness of the other.
“Until the age of 39, I needed each of my girlfriends only to fulfill some specific desire, almost a whim,” admits 48-year-old Alexei. I think that I gave them only a small part of myself. Today my relationship with my wife is completely different: they fill me completely.
Sometimes I am drawn to other women, but I pull myself together because I don’t want to risk a relationship with my wife that gives me a sense of peace and harmony.”
“The struggle with lust and temptation is part of our lives, and it accompanies us at any age,” says American anthropologist Helen Fisher. “But if our relationship is built on love, respect and acceptance of another person, we will stick together, and if on lust, we will look for new partners again and again.”
Negotiate with each other
“On vacation, my husband and I always go separately,” says 27-year-old Yulia. — Naturally, I have novels, I can even say that I myself am looking for them: it’s fun, I get a variety of sensations. And my husband, I think, is not particularly bored without me. Such moments in the life of each of us make our relationship brighter.
“My wife and I agreed that our relationship would be free: I am not jealous of her, but she is of me. But we always spend weekends together,” says 25-year-old Kirill.
Not everyone will accept this lifestyle, but there are couples who believe that «living happily ever after» does not mean «belonging only to each other.»
“Partners must agree on how their life together will be built,” says Alexander Chernikov. — This kind of contract can be negotiated or only assumed, but it must exist.
For one couple, emotional infidelity is sufficient cause for disaster—for example, a wife often goes to a cafe with a classmate. The other couple won’t notice. And for the third, the wife’s sexual relationship with this classmate will also be unimportant. It all depends on what the spouses expect from each other.
“Few people initially dream of a free marriage,” continues Ekaterina Zhornyak. — As a rule, people plan to belong to each other, and then this agreement is violated. Trying a free marriage, even agreeing to it, many then become jealous, resentment arises, and relationships often collapse.
“If there is no such agreement,” adds Alexander Chernikov, “and one spouse is waiting for fidelity, and the other is not set up for it, problems will inevitably arise in marriage. Therefore, it is advisable to discuss the boundaries of what is permitted even before the start of a serious relationship.
Today, as social pressures ease, loyalty combines emotional, social, and pragmatic factors. Many couples choose it consciously, and not as a consequence of a model of behavior imposed by society. We have the opportunity to independently build our own life strategy, choosing what suits us.