Why do we react so painfully to verbal aggression

“Do you know what the problem with verbal abuse is? The fact that the offended person has no evidence, ”Martha said sadly. She came to see me for many years of depression.

“What do you mean no evidence?” I asked.

“When a person is physically or sexually abused, it is real and specific. Verbal insults have no clear criteria, they are formless. It seems to me that if I tell someone that I was insulted, the person will think that I’m just complaining that someone shouted at me, uttered a rude word, ”explained Marta.

“And it’s even worse,” I confirmed.

“The problem is that no one sees the scars and bruises.” She intuitively knew that the insults she endured for a long time were one of the main causes of deep-seated self-doubt, anxiety and depression. “It’s a pity that they didn’t beat me,” Marta said more than once. “I would feel my complaints were more justified.”

Her confession haunted me, tears welled up in my eyes. Verbal abuse is much more than being scolded by someone. Martha said that her mother’s tirades caused her great pain for many reasons:

• Too loud voice.
• A shrill, shrill tone.
• Lifeless, glazed look.
• A haughty, contemptuous expression that made her feel nasty and hateful.
• A stretch in time—sometimes her mother yelled at her for hours.
• Curses and insults: you are a spoiled, disgusting, vile girl.
• The unpredictability of that “flick of the switch” that turned the mother into a monster.
• And perhaps the worst of it all is her mother’s rejection of her, the feeling of abandonment.

A person who is often yelled at undergoes multiple changes in the functioning of the brain and body. It increases the activity of the amygdala (emotional brain) and increases the level of cortisol, the stress hormone in the blood, there is muscle tension and much more. A verbally abused person begins to think and feel differently about themselves, even after they grow up and leave home. This is because the brain is experiential – we literally hear the voices of our parents screaming at us, even when they are no longer there.

Marta had to make an effort every day to resist the images that popped into her mind.

Research on attachment in mother-child relationships confirms that a person feels better when he feels safe, feels loved. This, among other things, means respect. Many will be surprised to learn that we are born with fully matured basic emotions such as sadness, fear and anger. When a child grows up in an aggressive environment, in a family where they often swear and fight, he regularly experiences fear. His automatic physical and emotional reactions cause traumatic stress. This stress amplifies everything that can be perceived as an attack: loud voices, angry intonations, angry facial expressions, dismissive gestures, and more.

Children develop better when they are calm. The calmer the adult who is in contact with them, the healthier the children will be.

Below are important things to keep in mind to help your child develop better and feel safer.

• Children have real emotional needs that cannot be ignored. The better these needs are met, the more resilient a person will be in the face of life’s problems in the future.
• You can influence a child’s self-esteem by being kind, compassionate, and curious about their mind and inner world.
• When there is a quarrel and breakup of relationships, try to re-establish an emotional connection with the child as soon as possible.
• The goal is to help your child separate from you and become himself without rejecting him or withdrawing from communication, even when you are angry or frustrated with his behavior. Try to calmly discuss any problems that arise.

It is not always easy for parents to control the character and clearly understand whether they have crossed the line of what is acceptable. Especially those who insist on strict discipline. You have to learn mindfulness all your life: notice your behavior from the outside, hear the tone of your voice, note the spoken words and expressions, observe body language. All this helps to better control yourself.

Small children can act rudely, defiantly, but at the same time they are terribly vulnerable. One’s own childhood experiences—beautiful, terrible, and everything in between—should be remembered and honored. And share with your children the best experiences that you received in childhood, and not the most painful.

Source: psychologytoday.com