Why do we rarely make ourselves happy?

It would seem that modern life just begs us to enjoy. Advertising does not get tired of inventing new images that are impossible to resist – because we deserve it! However, we still find it easy to find excuses not to please ourselves.

frightening joy

“We went on vacation with relatives for many years,” says 35-year-old Olga. – Of course, it’s nice when you don’t have to pay for housing on the sea. But it’s half an hour by car to the beach, it’s uncomfortable, the crowd … And in the spring, my husband said to me: “Maybe enough? We can afford to go abroad for a couple of weeks.” And I suddenly began to convince him (and myself) that we and our relatives are doing well. I really wanted to relax in a different way, but I … got scared. That something will not be pleasant, that it will be a pity for the money spent. And at least you know exactly what to expect.” Reality can deceive expectations, and this fear is one of the reasons why we deny ourselves to please ourselves. “But the expectation is no less important than the pleasure itself,” notes the philosopher Elena Petrovskaya. As long as we have a dream, there is hope to make it come true. Although, of course, there is a risk, making the dream come true, not reaching the ideal, and this can be frightening. For many of us in this situation, it is easier to give up such attempts. But endlessly transferring the good into an uncertain future, we risk completely depriving ourselves of what we have been dreaming about for so long.

Another obstacle is our inability to feel the fullness of the present moment. “The very concept of pleasure has been associated for centuries with manifestations of physicality – sex, food, idle relaxation,” comments Elena Petrovskaya. – Many philosophers have pointed out the incorrectness and even inferiority of such a focus on the body, giving preference to the spirit. Plato in the Philebus dialogue argued that pleasures should not be sought in bodily pleasures, but in “thinking, memory and true judgments.” The spread of Christianity consolidated a severe attitude towards the body in European civilization. And today, our impulses to pamper ourselves are opposed by the memory of many generations for whom such a thought was unacceptable. No wonder we constantly hide behind roles that relieve us of the need to listen to our own bodies.

“Recently, a friend decided to have a bachelorette party,” recalls 30-year-old Marina. – And invited us to meet in the bath. With brooms, with an ice font and massage. I really wanted to go – especially since we had not seen each other for a long time. But for this day, I planned a trip with the children to the museum. Of course, it was possible to change plans, take the children to their mother … But I imagined how we were laughing with my girlfriends in the bathhouse, walking back and forth naked, gossip – and decided that this was somehow wrong. In the end, we went to the museum, the children were bored, and I dragged them around the halls and was angry with myself.”

“Pleasure is not safe: after all, we are talking about our relationship with our own body, with our desire,” notes psychoanalytic psychotherapist Svetlana Fedorova. – After all, even if the pleasure, say, from meeting friends has nothing to do with sex, then all the same, initially there is something carnal, sensual in it. And therefore scandalous – after all, secret, intimate, very special sensations are always associated with shame. And many women, like Marina, prefer, for example, to perform the functions of a good mother in order not to think about their desires.

Under the eyes of others

Another enemy of our pleasures is the fear of someone else’s opinion. We are afraid of not meeting the requirements that the situation and the people around us place on us. This is exactly what happened to 35-year-old Vera. “My sister married a foreign diplomat. I received an invitation from her to the embassy reception and was looking forward to this event for a long time. But as soon as I started thinking about what I would wear, the mood deteriorated. What if I look worse than the rest? All the way to the embassy, ​​I was worried that I might do something inappropriate without knowing the etiquette. I almost don’t remember the evening itself: from tension and excitement, I wanted to hide somewhere or run home.

Our ability to be ourselves is one of the keys to enjoyment. If we look at ourselves from the side, then we close all the doors for him in advance. This is very noticeable in sexual relationships, says psychoanalyst Patrick Lambouley: “Many women try to get into the minds of their partners (“What will he think? Does he like my body?”), Depriving themselves of the opportunity to relax and enjoy.

But even in relations with society, we are shackled by other people’s opinions. “It forms our ideas about ourselves, and about how we should behave, and about how and from what we need to enjoy,” says Elena Petrovskaya. – The object of manipulation by various technologies has become not only our consciousness, but also our body. And although ideas of perfection are imposed on us, discrepancy with them can make a person unhappy. Therefore, in order to please yourself, you need to take a step towards freedom – beyond the framework of other people’s ideas, towards your individuality.

However, we ourselves are also our own censors when we adapt to a fictitious ideal image of ourselves. Focusing on modern values ​​(efficiency, competence, the ability to plan and anticipate everything), we constantly evaluate ourselves: “What you are doing now is meaningless, no one needs it, leads nowhere …” With this approach, pleasure turns out to be a waste of time … and banished from life.

Scenario repetition

Some of us in the most pleasant moments sigh: “This too shall pass…” and close the possibility of small joys, pleasant surprises, destroying everything good from the very beginning. “At a colleague’s birthday party, I met a nice man,” recalls Inna, 40. We liked each other and he invited me to a restaurant. I agreed. But, as soon as I sat down at the table, I began to explain that I was not at all so accessible and that he should not expect too much from our meeting. But now I liked him even more. . . After dinner, he offered to see me off – and of course, I refused. I didn’t leave my phone number with him either. True, she wrote down his number. But I have a whole collection of such numbers. And every time the same thing: I myself cut off the very possibility of a pleasant continuation.

Sometimes we are well aware that we want something, but we make every effort so that our desires do not come true. We seem to be driven by something that is stronger than us: we want, but simply cannot behave differently. Such behavior, when a person constantly runs from his own good, was described by Sigmund Freud *. He believed that the reason lies in the traumatic events of the past. A person does not remember them, but the unconscious pushes him to relive these difficult moments again and again. So he tries to develop the right strategy of behavior and finally gain control over his life. This need for “compulsive repetition” is stronger than the pleasure principle. And it can be overcome only by returning to the starting point and realizing the traumas of the past.

On the road to happiness

In infancy, when the reception of pleasure is associated with food, psychoanalysts speak of “pleasure-satiation”: I am hungry, I satisfy my hunger and I am pleased. And it is at this moment that the baby first learns what displeasure is – if he was not fed. “It is difficult for a child to bear the fact that he is not omnipotent, that his happy feeling of satiety depends on someone else,” explains Svetlana Fedorova. “This experience is very important for our ability to have fun in the future.” If the experience was unsuccessful, growing up, a person will always believe that his pleasure depends on someone else, and he himself will not do anything.

Often, we deprive ourselves of joy by striving to remain faithful to our first significant relationship – with our parents. “If I eat this ice cream, then I will do something completely different from what my mother taught.” Paradoxically, those who in childhood suffered from a lack of care and attention from their parents are prone to such behavior. “As adults, they unconsciously transfer this deficit onto themselves, as if becoming their own “bad” fathers and mothers,” says Svetlana Fedorova.

You can go on… but enough! The path to pleasure is not easy – and psychoanalysis confirms this. So what about giving up? Not at all. According to Patrick Lamboullay, “the desire for pleasure in any case determines our actions – even if it is hidden under the guise of asceticism and submission to the requirements of morality.” Svetlana Fedorova explains: “We live, unconsciously striving for that unconditional pleasure that we experienced at the very beginning of life. “Paradise Lost” is the primal fusion of mother and baby: in their relationship there is no displeasure, conflict … but also freedom. And we unconsciously all our lives strive for this primary unconditional happiness. And at the same time we are afraid to achieve it, because complete merging deprives us of freedom and personality, means disappearance and death.” “We must admit that we will never be able to achieve such a supreme Pleasure with a capital letter,” says Patrick Lamboulay. – It’s just impossible. We can only catch a glimpse of it – in the simple joys and happy moments of our daily, most ordinary life. Although, if we catch it too greedily, everything will melt, leaving us only a feeling of emptiness and sadness … “

Pleasure is born in the collision of rules, obstacles… and opportunities. We can, against all odds, get what we like and please ourselves now, today. So, we have a reason to accept this challenge.

* Z. Freud “Beyond the pleasure principle” (Folio, 2010).