Why do we put off life

Psychologies: Many of us have had to subordinate our lives to some important but distant goal, to sacrifice something for it, sometimes for years. Does this mean that during that period we lived a “delayed life”?

Elena Martynova: Of course not. The striving to achieve a goal and sacrificing something for the sake of it is not the neurosis of postponed life. The defining moment is how a person perceives his life here and now. Does he think that his current life is preparatory, “rough”? And the “real” will only begin after he reaches his goal?

At the same time, the “preparatory period” can take 10, 20, or 30 years. And all this time a person infringes, deprives his needs. It may, for example, not start a family, not establish friendships, not allow yourself to fully relax or equip housing.

The very term “delayed life” was coined by psychologist Vladimir Serkin, who conducted research among those who work in the North. So many of these people believe that they will only truly live when they earn enough money and move to “the mainland”, as they say. This sometimes takes decades.

And even if the goal is finally realized (which is not always the case) and they buy themselves, conditionally, a house in the south, they still face disappointment. They suddenly realize that a huge chunk of life has been missed, not lived to its full potential, primarily emotionally.

Behind a super-significant goal, other natural life meanings are lost. Children, relationships, nature, art – a person leaves it out of the brackets and then finds that he has nothing to remember. It causes real suffering.

It happens that the goal only “lulls”, helps a person come to terms with the fact that life does not suit him. He doesn’t really do anything to bring her closer. Years go by, and he does not even begin to write his cherished book or create a company. There are many such examples around. Is that also life on hold?

Yes, this is also an example of the postponed life neurosis. A healthy strategy is “want-can-do”. The strategy of postponed life is “I want-I can-postpone” (and more often forever).

How to explain such a choice?

One of the reasons, in my opinion, is a fatalistic attitude towards life and the future: we seem to be unable to change anything. It seems that we have neither the strength nor the internal resources for this. It seems that there is nothing to try, anyway, our efforts will not lead to the desired result.

This is very close to the “learned helplessness” syndrome, which was described by the American psychologist Martin Seligman: a person feels as if he is not able to control his life.

It is on these two whales – the feeling of the impossibility to change and control one’s life – that, as it seems to me, the phenomenon of “postponed life” rests. I’m talking about feeling, because often it does not correspond to reality.

There is also such a depressing feature: on the one hand, we have a kind of ideal – simply cosmic – image of the “I”, and at the same time there is a very deep idea of ​​ourselves as a worthless, insecure, lost, resourceless person.

Between these poles is an abyss that we cannot overcome. But neither one nor the other is true. The truth is somewhere in between: we are not so perfect and not so helpless.

That is, in the “postponed life” we dream of changes and at the same time resist them?

Yes. I remember one of my clients. It was a young girl who had recently graduated from the institute. She wept bitterly and told how bad things were for her: she lives with her family in a communal apartment, because of this she cannot realize herself in the profession, build relationships with a young man.

I ask her a question: “Do I understand correctly that you don’t like your life at all”? She nods, “Yes!” “And when will you start to live the way you want?” She thinks and says: “When I have my own housing, I will begin to live differently!”

But it is clear that a young girl who receives little money cannot earn money for her housing. I ask: “Why don’t you rent a room or apartment with some girlfriend to start a life independent of the family?” And she begins to assure me that this is impossible for such and such reasons.

This is a very typical story for the situation of “delayed life”. Any decision that can change life for the better right now, a person usually does not make, always finds a lot of arguments not to do it. That is, for the period of preparation for the “real” life, he renounces his needs, deprives them.

In fact, he does not live in this life. He devalues ​​it very much, does not consider it life. This is such a purely neurotic trait.

Can we talk about infantile behavior here?

Partly it is. Because such a person does not take responsibility. By the way, he can lead an independent life, earn good money, and at the same time remain an immature person, unable to make serious decisions. This may be due to the fact that an independent part of the personality is not accepted, is not recognized by the person himself.

Is there a fear of failure here? Because as long as I don’t act, I have hope for a better life. And if I try to change something and I fail, then I will lose this hope.

As you know, we have two main motivations: achievement motivation and failure avoidance motivation. Which of them will be the leading one depends on the upbringing in the family, on whether the parents taught the child to overcome obstacles, whether they supported him.

The motivation to avoid failure, of course, slows down a person very much: “I would rather not do anything than fail and experience the pain of my failure.” This may be a psychological reason for postponing life for later.

If we see in ourselves the desire to postpone life until later, will this help change course?

This usually requires a lot of external support. It can be a psychologist or a good friend who understands what needs to be done. Although I know cases when a person copes on his own.

I had such a client – a young woman, a talented musician, who endlessly complained about her illnesses, dreamed of being healthy, but did absolutely nothing to improve her well-being. It seemed to be a hopeless case.

Then I didn’t see her for two years and suddenly I accidentally met her on the street. I ask how she feels. She replies, “Great!” and says: “One morning I woke up and realized that I was tired of being sick!” I began to temper myself, douse myself with cold water, do some physical exercises – and life improved.

I listened to her and was surprised because I didn’t think it was possible.