Why do we need to lie

Telling the truth has never been more fashionable than it is now. Politicians, oligarchs, artists publicly confess in autobiographies and TV interviews. In style, in the company of friends, say out loud what others only dare to think about. But here’s the paradox: the more we hear revelations, the more we doubt the authenticity of these words. And in fact: what could be more dubious than a phrase that begins with the words “to be honest …”.

Everyone has their own truth

“It is hardly possible to be absolutely truthful,” says psychotherapist Margarita Zhamkochyan. – After all, lies are inherent in the very nature of human speech. From the time we began to use words, we are doomed to keep silent about something, to keep something under wraps, since words cannot accurately convey the whole reality.

“Telling the truth, the whole truth, means accurately reflecting the world in which we live,” agrees the French psychoanalyst Jean-David Nazio. “We just interpret it in our own way.”

Therefore, are we lying? “Rather, it means that truth is generally subjective and depends on our views, beliefs, emotions and ideas,” says psychologist Alexei Sitnikov. “What seems like a lie to one person may be part of his picture of the world for another.”

And really, what do we say to the best friend who asks to evaluate her new haircut? Not wanting to deceive, we admit: “She failed”? But someone else will like it, and he will be just as absolutely sincere. However, we ourselves, being in a different mood, could decide that the new hairstyle suits her. Or to admit: it would be more honest to say that the hair is dyed well or that the haircut makes it look more serious … It seems that everyone has their own truth at different moments.

reflex action

But if we always follow our truth, maybe we will stop being deceived? “Alas, this is not so,” says Jean-David Nazio, “we are not able not to lie. Of course, sometimes a lie is conscious, and we voluntarily distort the truth, hoping to deceive another. But such cases are still a minority. For the most part, deception is a reflex, instinctive act, designed to protect us.

From what? From violence – physical, moral, material or mental (feelings of shame, loss of faith in one’s own strength …). In short, we often spontaneously cheat in order to protect our relationships with others. In a broad sense, we lie because we are afraid of losing the love of another person.

“Those who prefer to say whatever they think are so confident in themselves that they are not deterred by the fear of losing the love of another,” says the psychoanalyst.

But it’s hard to cheat. “When we do this consciously, internal “sensors” work: the whole body reacts to a real, conscious lie,” explains Margarita Zhamkochyan. We sweat, the pupils dilate, the vocal cords tighten, it becomes difficult to speak. The principle of operation of the polygraph is based on the use of this physiological feature.

But this seemingly insurmountable barrier in the course of evolution, a person learned to bypass easily and even elegantly: in order for a lie to look like the truth, it is necessary to believe that it is the truth. This is exactly what “professional liars” do, accustomed to lying all the time. Such people are deceived themselves and can lie for a long time to others. Their confidence in the veracity of their words is so great that sometimes even a lie detector cannot unequivocally assess whether they are telling the truth.

Sign of respect

Thus, the ability to “correct the truth” is a necessary condition for life in any society. In a sense, this is part of social conventions. We greet a colleague: “How are you?” If he decided to tell the whole truth in response, he would speak for a long time and in detail, but he lies, throwing on the go: “Everything is OK. Thank you. And you?” And his words are a sign of attention and respect for us.

“Communicating correctly,” explains Margarita Zhamkochyan, “means taking into account the interests of the other and what he is ready to hear from us.” In other words, it is to be able to lie, or at least not tell the whole truth.

American psychiatrist and psychotherapist Brad Blanton disagrees with colleagues. He is sure that they are mistaken in asserting that for every truth there is always a lie. He is convinced that only by learning to say aloud everything that comes to our mind, we can know ourselves and others. Getting rid of thoughts and considerations that bother us, in his opinion, is the only way to create genuine relationships with others.

Truthfully or sincerely?

But here’s what’s interesting: lying out of politeness or by default does not prevent us from being sincere. After all, sincerity has little to do with truth: it all depends on what kind of relationship we want to build with another.

“So, a husband who is afraid of losing his wife may keep silent about what he once cheated on,” says psychologist Claudine Bilan. “But, having lied, he remains true to what he considers his deepest truth, namely, that he does not want to hurt his wife and does not want to risk losing her.”

Jean-David Nazio reminds us that for psychoanalysis, a deliberately false statement is at least as good as a true one. Moreover, “the lie itself expresses the truth – the truth of our desire.” Long before Freud, the mathematician and philosopher Blaise Pascal warned us: “The opposite of truth is not error, but the opposite truth.”