Setting limits is not always easy or pleasant. But it is always necessary, because without them the child does not become freer or happier. The main thing is that the rules and restrictions are reasonable.
“Yes, he behaves as he wants, but I can’t handle him! Even if you shout at him all day long, it’s all to no avail: he only does what he wants to do!” It is not easy for everyone to maintain their authority, and this difficulty is connected primarily with our personal history. To restrict children, parents must feel entitled to do so. This requires our own parents to pass on the baton, confidence in our ability to be a good mother or father, to us. And it is also necessary that we ourselves do not have an “authority problem” in childhood. If our parents did not limit us in anything, it is now difficult for us to inspire our children with the right guidelines, because we ourselves were deprived of them. If adults tyrannized us, we will be afraid to “go too far”, to expose our children to what we ourselves suffered from. Because of this fear (often unconscious), parents have many problems. It prevents us from being firm and stopping the unacceptable behavior of children and, as a result, leads to the fact that, unwittingly, we encourage their disobedience. After all, for a child, “silence is a sign of consent.”
FOR A CHILD, SILENCE OF PARENTS IS A SIGN OF THEIR CONSENT WITH ITS VIOLATION.
But the difficulties with asserting parental authority are not limited to personal history. In order to establish certain rules and restrictions for the child, without being too tormented about this, one must clearly understand what they are for. Parents often feel as though they are setting limits primarily for themselves (for their own peace of mind) or for others (to help their children adjust to society). Therefore, they often feel guilty, they are afraid to commit violence against a child, take away his freedom, break his personality. They are afraid to abuse their power.
Required framework
Rules and restrictions are necessary for the formation of the personality of the child. Contrary to popular belief, a child who knows no inhibitions is neither «free» because he becomes a hostage to his own impulses and emotions, nor «happy» because he lives in constant anxiety. A child who does whatever he pleases has no plan of action in life, except for the need to immediately satisfy all his desires. He wants something and takes it. He is dissatisfied with something — he beats and breaks everything. For a while, it’s even pleasant to behave this way, but such “liberty” costs him dearly. “It is difficult for a child for whom adults have not defined the limits of what is permitted to learn to limit himself,” explains developmental psychologist Tatyana Bednik. — He seems to be carried along the waves of momentary desires. Unable to control them, he is tormented by constant anxiety and guilt, especially acute due to the fact that the border between thoughts and actions is not yet fully realized by him. “If I want my little brother dead, how can I be sure that I won’t kill him, since I’m never forbidden to do anything?”
Moreover, by refusing to mark the boundaries of the world with rules and prohibitions, an adult turns it into a jungle where anything can happen. If I am stronger, then I will tear the enemy apart. But if it turns out that I am weaker, who will protect me, since there are no laws?
INTUITIVELY THEY UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF PROHIBITIONS AND DEMAND THEM IN THEIR OWN WAY.
It is completely understandable why children who have not been given boundaries are so often tormented by nightmares and afraid of the dark. How can an adult protect them if he is incapable of making them obey? Moreover, children intuitively understand the importance of prohibitions and require them in their own way. “Usually, when children piss us off, in this way they ask to set boundaries,” says school psychologist Natalya Evsikova. — If they do not get what they want, then they are forced to determine the limit to their antics and do this, as a rule, with the help of their body — falling or hurting themselves. In the absence of other limits, the last limit is the body. But this restriction is not only dangerous, but also meaningless, because it teaches nothing.”
Parents not only have the right, but also the obligation to establish certain rules and restrictions for the child, which will allow him to become a man and learn the rules of life among people. Rules are what people establish among themselves and for themselves; they are what make human communication and life in society possible.
Life by the rules
THE RULES ARE OBSERVED BY PEOPLE REGARDLESS OF AGE: THIS IS THE WORLD IS DEVELOPED AND ON THIS.
The attitudes of parents, their expectations often determine the strategy of relationships in the family. “If we want our children to feel at ease and free, respect both themselves and those around them, be independent, able to make choices and be responsible for them, family life is likely to be subject to thoughtful rules,” explains psychotherapist Margarita Zhamkochyan. All family members will try to keep them. So, not rushing home by the agreed time, everyone will call and warn about it. If the goal of adults is to “restrain” the child, to subdue him, they are likely to regulate his behavior with the help of many restrictions.
It would seem that the difference between rules and restrictions is obvious: the former direct, the latter limit. Restrictions cause an involuntary feeling of protest and do not suit most of us, and many try to follow the rules. A good example is traffic. “Everyone understands the use of direction arrows, and no one argues that traffic lights are needed at intersections,” says Margarita Zhamkochyan. — However, most motorists «arguing» with the signs that prescribe to slow down. It is they that cause internal resistance, because they are restrictions.
Rules are less likely to be protested also because they apply to everyone (and restrictions apply to others). “If it is not customary in a family to yell at each other, then adults do not have the right to raise their voices at children,” continues Margarita Zhamkochyan. — And if this happens, the child has the right to say: «You scream, I don’t like it, it’s against the rules.»
The rules of conduct not only help the child understand the difference between what is allowed and what is forbidden, but also help to solve simple (and complex) problems that arise in the family every day. Teach children to wash their hands after a walk, brush their teeth before going to bed, clear the table … “Develop rules that will work in your family,” advises age psychologist Tatyana Bednik. — Discuss them, define sanctions for their non-fulfillment and fix them. For example, draw a poster with the word «hands». Every time after a walk, pay the attention of the child to him, and he will most likely calmly go to the bathroom on his own.
Everything changes
Rules can (and should) be adjusted and changed. In every family, there comes a time when they have to be revised: children grow up, circumstances change. A familiar situation: the child wants to come home later than usual. A dilemma arises: parents, worried, cannot allow him to return later than nine, and he longs for communication with his peers and does not want to look “small”, leaving home before everyone else. “Agree that he will call (like all family members) if he is delayed,” advises school psychologist Natalya Evsikova. — In this way, you will replace the old rule with another one in accordance with the new position of the child, not only in the family, but also in society. And be consistent: a rule becomes a rule only when sanctions are provided for its violation, which confirm the seriousness of the rule.
Clear limits
They are necessary in situations where the life, health or safety of the child and those around him is at stake. “Restrictions (like rules) should be clear to children (“You can’t hit glass with your hand: if it breaks, you will cut yourself and it will hurt you”), and there should not be many of them,” says family therapist Grazhyna Budinaite. — If a child lives only among prohibitions (do not walk, do not touch, do not open, do not knock), he unconsciously perceives them as signals that no one around cares about his desires and aspirations. And he has to sacrifice them in order to survive.” In addition, in such a family, the child grows up with a sense of inner discomfort, and this is no less destructive than living in a world where everything is allowed. In the first case, the child does not have the opportunity to realize himself, and in the second, his safety is at risk.
It seems to many parents that restrictions and prohibitions protect children from everything dangerous and unnecessary. “Indeed, someone who lives behind high, strong walls may have a feeling that he is protected,” says Margarita Zhamkochyan, “but this is a temporary feeling.” Excessive (unjustified, harsh) restrictions will cause protest and be violated, and as a result, they will lose their meaning. In addition, from excessive restrictions grows narrowness. “Often, even very young children are taught: you can’t do what others don’t like,” explains Tatyana Bednik. — Already in the sandbox, the baby is forced to share (“shamefully greedy”), forbid him to cry loudly (“it bothers adults”) … He is constantly pulled: don’t do it, don’t make noise, don’t touch it … And when the child grows up, he feels so insecure that all the time involuntarily looks back at others: “what will they think?”, “what will they say?”, “how will they evaluate?”
“Children persistently resist excessive restrictions in adolescence,” adds Natalya Evsikova. They behave destructively, destroying the world (and relationships) around them. But in this way they are trying to jump out of the tight shell of prohibitions, to destroy the walls that their parents put up around them.
Foundations of Authority
The balance of rules not only gives children a sense of a safe, stable and regular life, but also supports the authority of parents. Strict and excessive restrictions, on the contrary, introduce a sense of anxiety, instability and deprive us of authority in children’s lives. “Authority is a capacious concept,” explains Grazyna Budinaite. “We can say that these are psychologically convincing rules and restrictions that parents offer to a child. This persuasiveness is achieved if the requirements are clear, justified and observed by all family members. It is difficult for a child to grow up without the support of adults: to learn the laws of the world in which he lives, to learn to respect other people and himself. “We will return the sweets that you took from the store to the seller: if no one pays, he will have nothing to live on.” The child must understand that adults did not come up with rules to annoy children, adults themselves also obey them. Because that’s how the world works.