Changing jobs, growing up children, breaking up with a partner, moving to another city or country … To facilitate the transition to a new level, we use rituals. Some are handed down to us by culture, and some we invent ourselves.
“I worked at the company for ten years and realized that I had nowhere else to grow,” recalls 37-year-old Konstantin. — Therefore, when I was offered an interesting position in another organization, I agreed without hesitation. But every now and then a feeling of guilt rolled over me: I was leaving my team! Konstantin was saved by a simple and familiar action to his compatriots: “dumping”. He set the table, called all his colleagues. And I was surprised to hear many words of gratitude. «I was let go — I left the company with a light heart.»
With the help of symbolic actions, “we give ourselves the opportunity to complete one stage and prepare for another, to make room in our souls for the upcoming changes,” says psychodramatherapist Marina Petrash. Graduation, a job change, the breakup of a relationship, an illness, the death of a loved one are all examples of loss, but with varying degrees of grief. Even happy changes are accompanied by loss: a wedding, for example, implies the abandonment of past carelessness. Forgetting about this, we are perplexed why joy is mixed with sadness from nowhere.
Climb the stairs
Similar rituals are practiced in different societies. The concept of the rite of passage was proposed by the French ethnographer Arnold van Gennep, noting that in traditional cultures many rites have a common structure and accompany any significant life change: pregnancy, fatherhood, birth and death, reaching social maturity, marriage, moving…
If traditional rituals are not suitable, you can invent your own sacraments
Van Gennep identified three stages that make up a single ceremonial cycle. Rites of separation: farewell to the past, cleansing (matchmaking; death of a loved one and his burial; divorce). Intermediate rites: when the old is no more, the new has not yet come (engagement and announcement of a different status — the bride and groom; commemoration of the 9th and 40th day in the Orthodox tradition). And the rites of inclusion: the initiation, acceptance and integration of the new (wedding and the entry of «strangers» into the family and clan; the year — by this moment, grief, as a rule, has already been lived through and a new page is opening; the birth of a child).
When important events happen, we go through these stages. If we get stuck on one of them for too long, we need help from outside — either relatives and friends, or a psychotherapist. Sometimes traditional rituals help to pass these three steps, but if they are not there or for some reason they do not fit, you can invent your own sacraments.
39-year-old Marianna figured out how to survive a difficult divorce: “I imagined that there was a connection between me and my ex-husband — an energy thread, and cut it with imaginary scissors, saying: “From now on, you are not my husband, I am not your wife. We are free. I’m opening up to a new life.» And 35-year-old Yulia found a way to accept the loss of a dear person: “We beat the bell at home when we have dinner. Found it in my dad’s things when he was gone. And the children do not allow deviation from the ritual: if everyone is at the table, and the bell has not sounded, someone jumps up and rings. For Yulia, sadness about the death of her father was transformed into a bright symbol of family unity.
Cultural code by inheritance
The generation of the XNUMXst century often abandons traditions: for some, this is unnecessary junk, and for some, it is unjustified spending. However, the rituals are addressed to the deep layers of the psyche and should not be neglected, says Marina Petrash. They help you deal with strong feelings and accept inevitable change.
“Today I accidentally found out that my daughter got married. Well, at least she sent a text message, ”complains 40-year-old Elena. “In marriage, the couple has new roles: husband and wife,” explains Marina Petrash. — In the Orthodox tradition, the father and mother blessed the children, some with a loaf, some with an icon. This is important not only for children, but also for parents. Because at that moment they accept children in a different role. When there is no marriage, there is no “blessing” of parents, difficulties often arise for both young and old. “It turns out that the relationship is trying to stay the way it was, even despite the stamp in the passport. And that is no longer possible.» But it is never too late to play the ritual: for example, often a couple, after several years of marriage, fixes the marriage with a wedding.
Marina Petrash talks about an interesting ritual that she saw in her husband’s family: «a bad wedding.» When the last unmarried or unmarried child marries, on the second day his parents are dressed up as the bride and groom: instead of a veil, a tulle curtain, instead of a dress, a Pavloposad shawl, trousers are put on the “groom”, a bottle and an onion are tied to the belt. The “groom” bypasses all the women of the wedding, gives each one a sip of vodka and a sniff of onions (there is some erotic overtones here), but chooses the best one — his wife. Then they are put on a blanket and carried three times around the room, as if on a sleigh. When everyone is fooling around, they take off the «young» joke outfits, put them in the middle of the hall, put on wreaths of fresh flowers. Their married children thank and give them gifts. “This ritual,” explains Marina Petrash, “helps parents accept the fact that the children have “flew out of the nest” and their new roles: after all, they are like “young” again and can take care of each other.”