Why do we need money so much

Talking about them leaves few of us indifferent. It seems that the saying that happiness is not in money, but in their quantity, is becoming more and more popular. According to a survey by the Levada Center, 83% of Russians believe that, first of all, they lack material wealth. And for many of us, the matter is not limited to the objective lack of funds.

“Ten years ago, I dreamed and did not believe that I would ever be able to change my old “six” for something more decent, recalls 40-year-old Yulia. “Today my position has grown significantly, my salary has increased accordingly, but I still have an irrational feeling that tomorrow something will happen and there won’t be enough money for anything again … ”

Why do we spend irrationally?

From the point of view of logic, our attitude towards such a utilitarian object as money could be purely rational: act in such a way that it brings you the maximum income. But in real life, things are different.

“Most psychological studies show that the way we earn money, spend, save (or not make), borrow or spend on gifts, sometimes contradicts all economic axioms,” says psychologist Anna Fenko.

30-year-old Dmitry, dreaming of buying his own apartment, every month leaves almost half of his salary in slot machine halls. 43-year-old Veronika buys things for herself only on sales, and products — in wholesale markets, but every time she cannot resist some new expensive perfume novelty. 28-year-old Tatyana always carefully monitors the execution of rituals related to money: do not pass them through the threshold, do not whistle at home, do not give an empty wallet.

“As a rule, behavior is determined not so much by rational concern for one’s own benefit as by secret fears, memories, stereotypes and prejudices,” comments Anna Fenko. “And if we want to be the masters of our own money and do not want it to control us, we need to understand why money plays such an important role in our lives, how we behave towards it and how money affects relationships with people.”

Occupying the most important place in our lives, money itself remains an abstraction: after all, banknotes and coins have meaning only because they symbolize the value of things. But for each of us, they mean what we want to see in them or unconsciously hope to get with their help.

Security, power, love of others, freedom… From a psychological point of view, money is an ideal screen for our projections: just as an image is projected onto a movie screen, so we ascribe to money those meanings that are significant to us.

Money makes you feel safe

34-year-old Irina works literally to the point of wear and tear: it is important for her to be sure that her little son will receive a good education in the future, and that her parents (if something happens to them) will receive the best medical care. She tries to accumulate as much money as possible — the only way she feels relatively safe.

Ivan’s parents died in a car accident when he was 12 years old. Today he is 37, he is the manager of a construction company and, according to all his colleagues, a workaholic businessman with a bright future. “As a man, I have to earn as much as possible,” he is convinced. “Money gives me confidence that nothing bad will ever happen to me and my loved ones.”

“Those who seek security in money need a constant increase in wealth, like a drug addict needs an increase in dose,” Anna Fenko explains. Such behavior leads to alienation from other people, as a person ceases to consider his loved ones as a source of help and support.

The ability to feel power and superiority

44-year-old businessman Sergei is sure that he can do everything in this life: pay off the traffic police, driving in the opposite lane before the eyes of the inspector, fly away on an international flight for which all tickets are sold, write out even Madonna herself to a country party with friends. Money gives him a special feeling of power and superiority.

“Feeling his own importance, he unconsciously tries to regain that sense of omnipotence that, according to psychoanalysts, everyone experiences in infancy,” comments Anna Fenko. — Such people have — or pretend to have — complete independence from the people around them and life circumstances and try to make others dependent on themselves. Only this gives them confidence in their abilities.

Money brings freedom

The most common and favored meaning ascribed to money by modern society is freedom.

“If I had as much money as I could wish for, I would buy myself a hotel on some tropical island. And I would put my friends there — absolutely free! — Igor, a 40-year-old successful journalist, dreams. Indeed, money frees you from rules, obligations, everyday routine.

“But those who hope to gain freedom in the broad sense of the word in exchange for money, in fact, with their help, unconsciously seek to suppress the fear of responsibility, dependence on circumstances and other people, “pay off” obligations,” says Anna Fenko.

Love for money?

56-year-old Larisa literally showers relatives and friends with useless gifts. Protests and explanations do not help: she does not seem to hear the words and does not feel the awkwardness that each of the people she forcibly “benefited” has to endure. In this way, she tries to «buy» the self-respect and affection of others.

“As a rule, in childhood, such people were deprived of the attention and care of their parents,” explains Anna Fenko. “They didn’t feel truly loved and therefore, as adults, they try not to find themselves in the position of a rejected child again. However, it is difficult for them to sincerely accept reciprocal love, and their generosity often masks hostility towards those on whom they depend. Not knowing that it is possible to love selflessly, they are forced to buy, sell or even steal love. The only cure for them is genuine emotional intimacy.”

Money concentrates our fantasies, emotions and desires. Often it seems that they control our lives. But money by itself is not capable of acting and directing anything. They acquire this ability only when we give them power ourselves.

What confuses us in our relationship with money?

The awkwardness in handling money is familiar to many. Psychoanalyst, researcher at the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University Tatyana Alavidze deciphered for us several typical cases.

“I don’t like to spend money: I don’t invite friends to my place, I never give expensive gifts, I don’t lend money …”

Thrift, reaching the point of stinginess, can manifest itself in any situation involving exchange — property, emotional, creative. The reluctance to spend, to give, arises from the desire to compensate for the feeling of helplessness that we experienced in childhood.

The unconscious desire to save, not to spend in a symbolic form gives a feeling of security, possession of something and a pleasant opportunity to dispose of this property at one’s discretion. Such exaggerated independence gives a person peace of mind, for which, alas, one has to pay: it is very difficult to build close and trusting relationships with others from such positions.

“I constantly lend money to everyone, regularly pay for others, spend huge sums on gifts even for people I don’t know well…”

Extravagance can speak of an unconscious and unmet need for love, warmth, and acceptance. A person projects this need onto others and rushes to do them good, while forgetting about his own interests. It cannot be said that he “buys love”, does charity with intent, counting on reciprocal support.

On the contrary, as a rule, he adopts some socially approved idea (helping his neighbors, caring for those who are weaker, etc.), which would reinforce such behavior and help explain it to himself and others — in a word, goes to any tricks, just not to admit that he simply lacks human warmth.

“I am horrified at the thought of asking for a raise. I can’t talk to the boss about this…”

If a child is treated with tenderness, understanding and love from childhood, then he is unlikely to have a question about his own value. If the parents behave inconsistently, then accept, then reject him, a sense of his own worth is not formed in him.

As a result, having matured, such a child is not able to separate the idea of ​​the value of his «I» from the monetary value of his own work. To draw a line between his human essence and his professional role is an impossible task for him. Failure in the material sphere becomes a psychological trauma for him: it seems to him that he was rejected and underestimated not as a professional, but as a person. And, naturally, in the future he will avoid situations fraught with such painful experiences.

“I’d rather live from bread to water, go to work at a construction site or wash entrances, but I won’t take a penny from my parents …”

Such a sharp position speaks of problems with separation, separation from parents. If a simple life situation — gaining material independence — becomes a reason for such emotional statements, then the problem is not resolved and takes a lot of strength from a person. It is difficult for him to feel like a «separate» person, perhaps because of too strong an emotional attachment to his parents, turning into dependence on them.

In other cases, this may be a reaction to the position of parents, consciously or unconsciously demanding repayment of the «life debt» from the child — as if he was obliged to compensate for their efforts spent on his birth and upbringing. However, in any case, we are not dealing with a conscious choice, but with a desperate breakthrough, with a radical attempt to gain freedom, the result of which can be either a return to the former dependent position or a complete cessation of all relations with parents.