Why do we need gender stereotypes

Psychologies: How do gender stereotypes work, why are they needed?

Yakov Kochetkov: I recently saw an article that brings together a lot of research on gender stereotyping, and the findings surprised me. For example, pre-teen boys are on average more emotional than girls. There are no significant differences in the study of mathematics between boys and girls. Men are no worse than women at reading emotions in a conversation, but at the same time they are worse at making rational decisions when shopping. These are amazing things.

Now that gender stereotypes are changing, it’s time to think: why are they needed at all? In my opinion, this is one of the ways of self-identification. And until recently, stereotypes were very useful, because they allowed the right distribution of resources between men and women.

What does it mean to “allocate resources”?

In a traditional society, no one takes the time to physically develop a woman. For example, a man, on average, fights much better, although a woman can be taught this. On the other hand, there is a paradox: what expectations are placed on us, we become those. And all these stereotypes have long been picked up by advertising companies, politicians … Very often we behave as we are told. This is an easier development path.

But at the same time, it is much more difficult for a man to prove his masculinity now than it was a thousand years ago: direct aggression is in most cases unacceptable. Competition has become uncertain, as success can now be achieved in a variety of ways. There are many studies that show that we are all animals in some sense.

If you look at the level of stress hormones in men in a corporation, it differs between those who are just starting to work, those who work for a long time, and those who hold high positions. This is not much different from the situation in the animal community. There, the alpha male has the highest levels of cortisol and fairly high levels of testosterone, the male sex hormone, while his closest subordinates (“top managers”) have more testosterone and less cortisol, because they are less anxious, they have less responsibility.

But now the time has come when the simple hierarchy is being destroyed. You can be a small cog in a big machine, but at the same time be a popular blogger, gain recognition and increase your testosterone levels. That’s why gender stereotypes are now under such vague competition.

It turns out that our society is gradually moving away from biological reactions and stereotypes inherited from previous eras.

Absolutely. If you connect such a tool as social networks, you can get completely confused. Imagine who a man or woman could compare themselves to a hundred or fifty years ago? With 10-20 familiar people. Now any person living in the most remote village can compare himself with hundreds of people. And he more or less knows them all. This brings a lot of stress.

Research confirms that social media comparisons cause depression and anxiety disorders in both men and women.

Because everyone sees some seductive images there and cannot reach them?

Certainly! A man sits in the office, goes to Facebook and sees that every second of his friends is resting somewhere, driving good cars. We do not think about what is behind each specific case. If each of your hundred acquaintances takes a vacation once a year, it will seem to you that everyone rests endlessly.

Psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova once very passionately stated that real women do not exist, that this is a very harmful model. What do you think about real men? Do they exist?

It’s a difficult question. On the one hand, this concept seems to me very harmful, like any other stereotype with the definition of “real”: “real intellectual”, “real Russian”… Unrealistic standards imposed by society and advertising are often introduced into this stereotype.

In clinical practice, we constantly encounter the fact that it is very difficult for men to express emotions. Not because they don’t know how, but because they forbid themselves to do it. From this point of view, striving to become the “perfect man” can be harmful.

Here you need to find a golden mean, because it is also wrong to completely abandon certain norms. After all, most people do not tend to think deeply about their lives. It is much easier to use ready-made stereotypes to develop. When we raise boys, we still need to give them some examples, models of behavior. And at the same time expand their boundaries.

For example, it is important for boys to tell that there is no harm in crying or being scared, but then you can and should act, despite being scared.

I notice that the concept of masculinity often differs between men and women. What some call “courageous behavior”, “courageous act”, others do not consider as such. It turns out that women do not expect from a man what they expect from themselves?

Here again we are at the mercy of stereotypes. And I would separate Russian men and Europeans. After the collapse of the Soviet Union, the inhabitants of our country had to re-search for their identity, including gender. Much has changed: there are, for example, questions of sex that can be discussed.

Russian men have a specific feature that catches the eye of all psychologists – a deep sense of humiliation, often hidden and concealed. It is largely associated with the period of perestroika. Youths, young men, lived with their parents, who then lost their identity. A successful engineer in the past became practically a beggar and was forced to go to work as a security guard. And this humiliation is often compensated by hypertrophied masculinity. We see this in people who take huge loans to buy an expensive car, although they do not always have enough money for food.

By the way, an interesting observation. If we compare the advertising of cars in our country and, for example, in Germany, only in Russia does advertising emphasize the victory over humiliation: “You are the king of the road!”, “Only you can afford it.” In the West, advertising is aimed rather at the economic and environmental characteristics of the car. And this, it seems to me, is a very big problem. On the one hand, men themselves behave in such a way as to constantly emphasize their masculinity. And it’s not just about cars.

There is, for example, such an idea that conflicts need to be resolved aggressively. If I didn’t hit my offender now, then I’m not a man. And in many families, women support this behavior. In my work with anxious male clients, I have repeatedly come across this situation: a person has a finely developed understanding of how to act in a certain situation. For example, if you were sweared on the street, it is not necessary to break that person’s arm or leg in response. But the presence of a woman stimulates him to an aggressive reaction.

We know that it is useless to change another: you can only try to change yourself, your behavior, your attitude to the situation. Many women are wondering how to behave in a way that better understands and supports men, so that life together is easier.

A paradoxical thing. Recommendations for “real” or “Vedic” women are now very popular on the Internet. Their essence is to fully correspond to their female role in its ancient sense – that is, to completely obey a man, praise him more often, behave more cunningly. And it works, according to the authors of the articles, giving examples of the success of this behavior.

But this is manipulation.

Manipulation, of course. The question is what do you want to achieve. In fact, it can work if you want a family where relationships are at the level of social animals: I bring food, you have children, and that’s all there is to it. But if you want to interact as human beings, you need to learn how to communicate.

And here it is just important to realize what stereotypes you have about yourself and another person, and which ones your partner has. Because we cannot be completely free from them, no matter how long we study it. But beliefs and feelings towards them can be discussed. And this is the way to gradually tune in to each other.

And the second stage is, of course, acceptance. All the latest developments in the field of couples therapy focus on this: on the realization that there are so many things in another person that we cannot change, but we cannot change ourselves indefinitely. But we can learn to accept it.

¹ The interview was recorded for the joint program of Psychologies magazine and radio “Culture” “Status: in a relationship”, September 2016.