Why do we need candor

It would seem, why call for frankness — are we hiding something? In our resumes, we provide information not only about education and work experience, but also about personal qualities and hobbies. In social networks, our marital status, emotional status, illnesses and achievements — all this becomes known to many people every day. What honesty do we lack?

“Communication in social networks is a facade,” says an existential psychotherapist, associate professor at Moscow State University. M.V. Lomonosov Svetlana Krivtsova. “It encourages us to polish the surface of our image, but does not allow us to look into the depth of personality.”

The habit of it makes us dependent on skimming glances. When we lose them, we seem to lose a part of ourselves. Moreover, the «facade» does not have to be attractive, options are possible here. The image of the eternal sufferer is as much a façade as the picture of prosperity, which is persistently presented to other users … and, perhaps, to oneself.

Social networks, of course, feed these phenomena, but they do not originate there — but in our own minds. But how to determine where we stop being frank with ourselves and begin to believe in the image?

Know yourself

“In any situation, there is a place for the question of what is my contribution to it,” notes Svetlana Krivtsova. “Each of us can at some point bitterly complain about fate, but if this happens every day, then the question arises: what do I do myself to ensure that circumstances develop in this way?”

The hackneyed truth that everything in the world has a second side is quite appropriate in this case. “I have a bad boss, he scolds me, I’m unhappy! “But why does his opinion matter to me so much?” “The teacher is unfair to me! Is he fair to others? Is it a property of his character or the result of my actions?

Often we see only half of the picture and experience strong but uniform emotions. “We lack openness in the perception of reality, the ability to accept it,” explains Svetlana Krivtsova. “For example, I can’t accept the fact that my boss is not capable of providing support because I have a lack of parental attention, I want to see him as a parent and suffer from his treatment as if I were a child, not an adult.”

The more extensive internal white spots, unknown or little-studied areas of our psyche, the stronger the emotions: “I am offended!”, “I am adored!” And we often confuse this emotionality with sincerity. But true sincerity is impossible without honesty. Belief in your words may be the result of fear or delusion. What we need is a willingness to self-knowledge and introspection.

Sincerity lies in the desire to understand: what I want to show others and what, on the contrary, I try to hide. Recognizing your feelings and needs. In the ability to ask yourself questions: who am I? How can I express myself? How to live in accordance with what I believe in, with the principles that I consider important?

“The benefits of sincerity are enormous,” says philosopher and psychoanalyst Else Godard. — This position helps to make decisions in difficult situations. When we do not know everything, we do not guess what future our choice promises, we rely on sincerity: I decide, relying on myself, my soul and conscience. This is the foundation of our freedom. If freedom is to be the cause of choices and actions, then there can be no freedom without sincerity. And the one who seeks not to pass by his own life will take care of it.

Understand others

“Sincere words move us,” adds Elsa Godard. “Look what happens when, during a difficult discussion at the end of arguments, we finally drop the defense, drop our masks and, without seeking to manipulate or convince, speak from the heart: we can talk about doubts, show truth and vulnerability.”

This is a necessary condition for true intimacy. We know how important it is in a couple to talk about love, mutual respect, and the joy of being together. But we often avoid these topics due to modesty or because of accumulated grievances. It is also important to talk about what is not going well with us, what is wrong with children, in friendly or professional relations. Otherwise, the problem will remain unresolved and will stand between us.

But from experience it is known that in any, and not only in love relationships, it is not enough to speak out in order to understand each other. To speak is to take the risk of being misunderstood. Disagreements can in principle be fruitful, but we rarely think about it, because we are afraid of condemnation, neglect, manipulation.

Fear makes us shut ourselves off from the other. Then we no longer try to meet him — on the contrary, we try to hide, slip away, confuse him. We are afraid to change our beliefs and at the same time we try our best to get the other person to change his point of view.

“Understanding is work, and we forget about it too often,” reminds Svetlana Krivtsova. This, alas, is facilitated by our culture, in which the question “What do you not understand?” sounds like an accusation. “We must learn to understand. It begins with a willingness to clarify to oneself the meanings that the other has, instead of imposing one’s point of view on him, ”the psychotherapist emphasizes.

Even relatives sometimes do not hear each other — what can we say about those who are on opposite sides of the ideological or other barricades?

“With the same words, we sometimes describe completely different experiences,” notes Evgenia Vezhlyan, a sociologist and associate professor at the Russian State Humanitarian University. “The greater the difference in the value system, the more work and patience is required to understand each other, to find a common language.”

Keep in touch with reality

Where can one find such a language that will promote mutual understanding? The information space around is filled with speeches that are designed to obscure the essence, and not reveal it.

“Many public speeches use the language of bureaucracy,” emphasizes Yevgenia Vezhlyan. — When it turns from a tool into an end in itself, it creates a substitute reality. The habit of reporting actions in bureaucratic language gives rise to a sense of impunity, because this language does not describe actions, but gives a signal that the assignment has been completed.

This process captures other areas in which life is replaced by forms of reporting, and language ceases to describe reality and begins to block it. Using stamps, we lose access to feelings and thoughts, close our exit to the world and the entrance to ourselves.

Imperceptibly, we kill living relationships, replacing them with management. How to avoid it?

“Try to expand your vocabulary and treat it the way you treat your bank account,” Nobel laureate Joseph Brodsky advised graduates of the University of Michigan. — Give it a lot of attention and try to increase your dividends … The goal is to give you the opportunity to express yourself as fully and accurately as possible; in a word, the goal is your balance. For the accumulation of the unspoken, the unexpressed properly, can lead to neurosis.”

Today, in a rapidly changing world, these recommendations look urgent. By caring for the clarity of language and thought, we maintain contact with reality, with each other, and with ourselves.