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At 10-12 years old, the child stops hearing us. We often do not know what he wants, what he is doing, what he is thinking about — and we are afraid to miss the alarm signals. What’s stopping you from keeping in touch?
1. There are changes at the physiological level
Although in general the brain is formed by the age of 12, this process is completely completed after twenty. At the same time, the frontal lobes of the cortex, the areas of the brain that control our impulses and are responsible for the ability to plan for the future, continue to develop the longest.
But just from the age of 12, the sex glands are actively “turned on”. As a result, the teenager is unable to rationally control the swings of emotions caused by hormonal storms, neuroscientist David Servan-Schreiber argued in the book “The Body Loves the Truth”1.
2. We ourselves exacerbate communication difficulties.
Communicating with a teenager, we become infected with the spirit of contradiction. “But the child is only looking for himself, exercising, and dad, for example, is already fighting in earnest, using all the power of his experience and strength,” says existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova.
The reverse example is when, trying to protect a child from mistakes, parents project their teenage experience onto him. However, only experienced on itself can help development.
3. We want to do his job for him.
“The baby is fine. He needs to develop his «I», to realize and approve his boundaries. And his parents want to do this work for him,” explains Svetlana Krivtsova.
Of course, the teenager is against it. In addition, today parents broadcast to the child abstract messages that are obviously impossible to fulfill: “Be happy! Find something you love!» But he still cannot do this, for him this is an impossible task, the psychotherapist believes.
4. We are under the myth that teenagers ignore adults.
A study by psychologists at the University of Illinois (USA) showed that adolescents are not only not against parental attention, but, on the contrary, appreciate it very much.2. The question is how do we show this attention.
“It is important to understand what worries them before throwing all the pedagogical forces on what worries us. And more patience and love,” writes David Servan-Schreiber.
1 D. Servan-Schreiber «The body loves the truth» (Ripol classic, 2014).
2 J. Caughlin, R. Malis «Demand/Withdraw Communication Between Parents And Adolescents: Connections With Self-Esteem And Substance Use, Journal Of Social & Personal Relationships, 2004.