Why do we live with abusers?

Violence can be not only physical, but also psychological, emotional, verbal and sexual. Deception, offensive words, artificially created hopeless situations and ignoring are also variants of violence.

I was practical and well-read, with a high IQ and a good education. But I didn’t know that the violent relationship wasn’t my fault. From the age of 13 to 30, I dated abusers. Those were long and terrible years. Ever since high school, all my relationships have been violent. It was only over the years that I realized that a man who beats a woman, threatens her, or even pretends to threaten her, is not a real man, he is just a coward.

Criticism, control and accusations remained unchanged. I remember the first guy in eighth grade criticizing my clothes. The second one insulted me in front of everyone. When the stage of psychological abuse was passed, they both began to dissolve their hands.

I became a victim of domestic violence for several reasons:

1. I didn’t know much.

2. This was my comfort zone.

3. My self-esteem was extremely low.

4. I had no personal boundaries.

5. I did not know how to change the situation.

I will tell you about the first point — about what I did not know. If someone you know is being abused, tell them about it or let them read this article.

So, I didn’t know that…

NO ONE SHOULD RAIS HAND AT ME

At the age of 30, I heard from a psychotherapist: «No one has the right to raise a hand against you, regardless of what you do and what you do not do.» His words were a revelation to me. No one ever told me about it, and everyone I met behaved in exactly the opposite way.

EVERY PERSON IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS ACTIONS

The abusers told me that I was to blame for everything, and I believed them. I grew up around abusers. Mother said that I was driving her crazy and that she beat me for my own good, brothers and sisters were also rude. After a course of psychotherapy, I dared to ask why she treated me this way. In response, I heard: «It was difficult to educate you.»

THERE IS NO SECRET FORMULA THAT COULD STOP ALL OF THIS

I was sure that my behavior provoked violence, which means that if I behave correctly, it can be stopped. This is what all victims think: they believe that if they make their abuser happy, he will behave differently.

They begin to come up with different options for “improving” their behavior and appearance. They think: now, if I were taller (lower), not so fat, stupid, shy, everything would be different. In fact, abusers criticize, insult and ignore you regardless of your appearance or behavior.

THIS WILL NEVER END, IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE

I decided to leave only when the abuse spread to my children and dog. One day, the husband returned late at night, found a toy on the floor, and woke the four and five year olds to clean up after themselves. The next night, he turned the whole house over to find something that was out of place.

And then he went upstairs again to wake the children. I did not let him do it: I just lay down on the floor near the door to the nursery and said that I would not allow this. He pulled me away from the door and pushed me down the stairs. I fell and hit hard, my eye was swollen.

At my cries, a dog ran up and attacked him. The husband grabbed the dog, tightened his belt around his neck and hung it on the stairs. I barely managed to save him. My husband stopped only when he noticed that my eye was completely swollen and I couldn’t see anything with it. The emergency room did not believe that I myself fell. It was only the attacks on my children and dog and a serious injury that made me leave. Now I say to the victims of domestic violence: you can not endure and hope for the best. Further it will only get worse.

ABUSER’S REPENTITIES ARE INSINCERE AND SHORT-TERM

Every abuser says «I’m sorry» and then acts like there was no apology. But the victim wants to believe in the sincerity of these words, it seems to her that after the repentance of the partner, life will change.

Abusers know how to appear miserable and unhappy, they know when to “turn on” remorse and how to put pressure on pity. They can be charming, give gifts and arrange holidays, but this is not for long. The only way to protect yourself and your loved ones is to leave and never come back.

THIS BATTLE IS IMPOSSIBLE TO WIN

Such a relationship is not normal for both parties. Mentally unhealthy people cannot build healthy relationships.

I spent hours thinking about how to fix the situation. What do I need to say and do, how to look so that my partner is satisfied. I cooked his favorite dishes, put on beautiful dresses, sent the children to their grandmother, kept the house in perfect order, bought him gifts. But they told me that I was ugly, a bad housewife and could not even choose a normal gadget.

Abuser needs a scapegoat

Such people do not tolerate when something goes wrong, and always look for someone to blame. Whatever happens, you will be to blame, even if you were not at home when something happened that pissed off the abuser.

YOU CAN BE TREATED BETTER

I was convinced that relationships always bring pain. I didn’t know it could be otherwise.

After leaving my husband for the first time, I began dating a man who did not beat or insult me. And the feeling of unreality of what was happening did not leave me. It was only after going through therapy and setting personal boundaries that I finally realized that no one can raise a hand against me and insult me.

Since I broke up with my first husband decades ago, no one has dared to hit or hurt me. I don’t allow it, and I never will again.

LOVE IS ACTION

It doesn’t matter what you say, what matters is what you do. All the abusers who met on my way swore in love.

But if you love a person, then never hit him. You will not insult and humiliate him. And you will not drive him into a corner and make his life hell.