Contents
We know perfectly well that it is not good to criticize others behind their backs … but we cannot help ourselves. At home, at work, among friends, we often taunt and discuss other people’s affairs. What is behind this misguided pleasure?
“Alexander again received the most promising project. Apparently, his compliments to our headmistress turned out to be very useful, ”the employee, who hoped to be in his place herself, scoffs. “Is he taking care of this cow?” – the interlocutor grins … Among friends, colleagues, in the family circle, we are happy to gossip about others (of course, so that they do not know about it). We are not stopped even by the fact that our words are most often unfounded. “Not only skillful manipulators behave this way,” confirms psychologist and coach Evgeny Kreslavsky. – Most conversations, both men and women, concern someone who is absent – we make a certain (often caustic) judgment about him. And confidentially communicate various details. Everyone knows that backbiting is not good. And no one wants to pass for evil-speaking. But few of us will turn and walk away when something juicy is said. Why can’t we resist?
old habit
Talking nasty things about others is very human, researchers say. Evolutionary psychologists and anthropologists agree that the habit of two people talking negatively about someone else originated in the prehistoric past of the genus Homo sapiens. Harvard biology professor Martin Nowak believes that slander primarily made the ancients stronger in the competitive struggle in the pack *. American psychologists Sarah Wert and Peter Salovey (Sarah Wert, Peter Salovey) argue that by discussing representatives of other tribes, comparing ourselves with them, our ancestors thus recognized themselves better. And at the same time, belittling the importance and strength of “competitors”, they exalted themselves and felt more confident**. In a sense, even today, this inherited habit of backbiting helps us compete. We, for example, cooperate more effectively when we have a common opponent – as if united in one flock against another.
Analysis without compliments
The intellectual talk show “School of Scandal”, hosted by writer Tatyana Tolstaya and screenwriter, film director Avdotya Smirnova, has been decorating our television for almost 10 years. The name is reminiscent of the comedy The School for Scandal (1777) by the English playwright Richard Sheridan, the intrigue of which is built on a passion for caustic gossip. And about how the program of the same name is related to slander, the author of its idea, film and television critic Yuri Bogomolov, tells. “I was always annoyed by television programs in the genre of interviews with their complimentary towards the guest, where the host, as in a sparring match, only throws a ball to his counterpart so that it would be convenient for him to hit. And I thought: it would be nice if interviews were done by people who are passionate, intelligent, and preferably writers, since they have experience in the psychological analysis of their heroes. I had to watch how two friends, Tatyana and Avdotya, communicate with each other – in a tough, caustic manner, not one of them will go into their pocket for a word, not to mention that they have a very wide range of interests and their own attitude to everything. And I thought that they could have a curious couples entertainer, thanks to which media characters reveal their real face, usually hidden under a mask. Often the heroes voluntarily find themselves in the position of Gogol’s non-commissioned officer’s widow, who flogged herself. Someone does not know about the rigid format of the program, someone expects to beat the presenters, someone is so eager for air that he is ready for anything. However, many issues are made with sincere love for the hero. Now this vector has become decisive.”
Recorded by Galina Chermenskaya
The School of Scandal began airing in 2002 on the Kultura channel, and since 2004 on the NTV channel. Broadcast on Mondays at 00.25.
“We slander, consciously or unconsciously wanting to influence people and the situation,” explains Yevgeny Kreslavsky. – After all, as a result of such a conversation, we always seem better (smarter, more beautiful, more delicate) than those to whom we wash the bones. This is how the mechanism of the eternal struggle for survival works: by increasing self-esteem, we more confidently rise in the hierarchy of relationships, at work or in the family. That is why the troubles of others please and can even give pleasure, adds psychoanalyst Virginie Meggle (Virginie Meggle). As a rule, this happens when it comes to our rivals above us in status or the same sex as us. That’s where this hard-to-disguise smile comes from at the news that our sister-in-law is very unlucky. “Computed tomography shows that at such moments in our brain the pleasure centers are activated,” the psychoanalyst continues. – This can be explained as follows: symbolically, we are experiencing the death of our rival. We are unharmed and strong, but he is practically destroyed.
Friendship vs.
“Even if we don’t know each other well, our relationship becomes closer when we talk about someone together,” explains Yevgeny Kreslavsky. – Because the absentee seems to be someone obviously bad, even vicious, but the interlocutors themselves are brought together by common values. In contrast with him, they feel their identity more sharply. Strong emotional excitement also unites: after all, gossips violate generally accepted prohibitions (the social norm requires you to be friendly and positive). It would seem that the one who makes fun of others runs the risk of becoming the object of criticism. “But the opposite effect occurs: after all, the interlocutor feels that he is trusted with something very intimate,” continues the psychologist. “Moved by such frankness, he, in turn, is more disposed to share secrets, to express his opinion.”
NONE OF US WOULD LIKE TO BE A GOSSIPPER. WE ARE JUST INTERESTED TO KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT OTHER…
So, despite its bad reputation, slander also performs quite positive functions: it strengthens social ties, recalls the norms of behavior accepted in society, and even controls them. After all, we ridicule “indecent” character traits and actions, condemn violators of the norms and rules of behavior, and thereby consolidate these rules and norms.
Sometimes, thanks to slander, new employees more easily join the team. “I learned from colleagues that our short department head really suffers from his “meter with a cap,” recalls 25-year-old Victoria. “And immediately stopped walking in 12-centimeter heels, which until that time had been an indispensable part of my image.”
If you are a victim
Backbiting is devastating. It deprives its victim of the opportunity to defend themselves, and the notorious “there is no smoke without fire” makes even false information reliable. “If this is a well-planned intrigue and you may be in danger of losing your job, you need to defend yourself. And when someone just gossips about you, it is better to ignore this fact, – says social psychologist Margarita Zhamkochyan. – If you start to sort things out and expose the gossip, the situation will develop uncontrollably. More and more people will be involved in it, and gossip can develop into a global confrontation between the victim and the detractor. Try “smoking the peace pipe”. Say that ridicule and sarcastic statements hurt you, that is, talk about your feelings, and do not discuss, do not dispute what was said behind your back. You will feel better, and the one who slandered will most likely be disarmed by your sincerity. Also, by showing the intention not to rebuke, but to fix the situation, we reduce the likelihood that the gossip will take over again.”
(Not) good reputation
Discussing colleagues behind their back, some feel more confident in the team. But this (doubtful) way to boost self-esteem comes at a high price. Psychologists from the University of Baltimore (USA) asked working men and women about how they perceive colleagues who like to gossip*. Almost everyone called them tough, domineering, cold. Participants in the experiment described employees who said nasty things behind their backs as unfeminine, uncharismatic, and unpleasant to communicate with. It seems that reveling in the judgment of others, it is easy to damage ourselves. Is it worth spoiling your image for the pleasure of washing someone’s bones?
Evgeny Osin
* The Journal of Social Psychology, 2010, vol. 150(4).
At someone else’s expense
Walking at someone’s expense, we thereby deprive a person of some exclusivity and at the same time compensate for our vulnerability. So, when 39-year-old Maria whispers in her partner’s ear: “Have you seen what a short skirt my sister is wearing, it’s just indecent!” – behind her indignation, in fact, anxiety is hidden – but is she capable of being seductive herself? Speaking maliciously and maliciously about others, we also project onto them those negative feelings and character traits that we cannot accept in ourselves. “She is a careerist,” the one who fails to succeed at work will often say. And yet in our words sometimes there is too much passion, anger and even hatred …
“Each of us is born endowed with two drives: to life and to death,” explains psychoanalyst Svetlana Fedorova. – The first is manifested in love, tenderness, creation; the second is in hatred, aggression, destruction. How they are then combined in a person’s personality largely depends on how much his parents accepted him in his childhood. It is especially important whether the baby lived and survived his narcissism – a time when he himself seems to himself the center of the universe, infinitely beautiful and omnipotent. If a child does not develop the ability not only to accept blessings, but also to be grateful, to take into account the interests and desires of other people, then later he will try to compensate for his “inferiority” in various ways, exalting himself and constantly belittling others, including through slander.” For example, in order to remain the most important thing for his parents, he may begin to slander his brother or sister, say disgusting things about classmates. That is, to assert oneself by devaluing others.
Backbiting is not necessarily generated by conscious malevolence. “You can gossip about the fact that the new head of the department left the previous place of work with a scandal, for various reasons,” explains Evgeny Kreslavsky. – For example, someone’s parents always did this, and it’s natural for him to look for flaws in others. And someone can do it instinctively in order to protect themselves from a obviously strong opponent, if he is of the same status with him. But it’s a dangerous sport. Our words can be perceived as bad form and will cause us to be shunned. Backbiting is dangerous, of course, both for the one who listens and for the one who is its victim. “After all, it is really about the desire to destroy, albeit symbolically,” insists Virginie Meggle.
WE CRITICIZE THOSE WHO DEPARATE FROM THE STANDARDS OF BEHAVIOR IN THE GROUP – AND THUS WE STRENGTHEN IT.
Releasing aggressiveness
Backbiting makes us feel better. “After all, we simultaneously satisfy the needs of our unconscious (we release our hidden drives and desires) and the Super-I (act as a public accuser),” explains Svetlana Fedorova. “But slander does not solve any problems and does not provide satisfaction in the long term,” Yevgeny Kreslavsky warns. “Except, perhaps, when it is used as an exercise in group therapy. It is performed, for example, if it is difficult for a person to work in a company, as something greatly hurts or offends him. And then the psychotherapist or coach asks him to write the name of the culprit of his experiences and describe everything connected with him. And then this sheet can be torn, burned, thrown away … Thus, thanks to slander on paper, aggression is released that prevented a person from living. Recognizing and releasing your latent aggressiveness opens the way to self-acceptance, a sense of confidence and self-sufficiency. And gradually the need to denigrate others for the sake of increasing one’s self-esteem disappears.
* Martin Novak’s book (with Roger Highfield) “Over-Cooperation” (“Career Press”) is forthcoming.
** Review of General Psychology, 2004, vol. 8 (2).
*** V. Meggle “The projection, each has its fi lm” (Eyrolles, 2009).