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We dream of being on good terms with others, and this natural desire is so pleasant and safe. We want to arouse the interest of the opposite sex – this is an instinct. But why do simple natural desires sometimes give us so much trouble? What are we doing wrong?
Sometimes it seems that people do not treat us well enough, and we begin to worry about whether we know how to be attractive, to arouse sympathy. “I was an excellent student, I adored my parents and was happy when my dad reservedly praised me: “Clever girl,” says 29-year-old Irina. – I was easily given to study at the institute, but I dropped out of all the companies and could not understand what was the matter. After all, I was always ready to tell my friends a lot of interesting things! .. “
obstacle course
Irina, like many of us, repeated the actions that brought her success in the past: dad liked that her daughter was smart, and she believed that other men would like the same. Often, instead of focusing on the reaction of the interlocutors, we rely on our own attitudes, conscious or unconscious.
If the mother praised the son for obedience, then he may continue to think that this is the best way to earn the approval of women. He remains obedient even when it does not meet his own needs and the demands of the woman he is attracted to. Perhaps she would like to see masculinity or excitement. But he already had a stereotype of behavior, and going beyond the stereotype would mean finding himself in uncharted and unsafe territory.
Cinema and television also offer us their own standards of appearance and behavior. They have a particularly strong effect on us at a young age. What about a boy who discovers that he is not a “cool macho”, or a girl who does not look like a seductive beauty?
Meeting reality challenges us to abandon the fantasy that we can conquer everyone with the help of a great appearance, and develop our abilities and skills. “I’m not handsome, but I have an excellent baritone voice,” says 32-year-old Mikhail, “and if I wanted to please a girl, I just took the guitar … Usually it worked.” But even here there are no universal recipes. Everyone is forced to create their own method.
Return of the boomerang
Seduce another without love? It’s possible. But such success can turn into a crash, warns Gestalt therapist Marina Baskakova.
The prerequisites for a failed marriage are sometimes laid at the beginning of a relationship. This happens when one of the partners uses the other as a means to increase self-esteem, status, prestige: to achieve goals external to the couple itself. Men can do this too, but women do it more often. The girl plays in the “closer-further”, manipulates the chosen one and his desire, either going towards him, or avoiding him, and turns herself into an overvalued value. If her game succeeds and the man proposes to her, she stops her efforts, because the goal has been achieved. A man feels manipulated, a victim of emotional fraud, which is quite humiliating.
And when a woman loses control and becomes dependent on her husband – due to financial inequality or after the birth of a child – a “boomerang” returns to her: a man takes revenge for past humiliation with coldness or exactingness. There is no understanding, acceptance and care between them: these relationships simply were not created by them. An effective remedy against such errors is sincerity. If we are sincere with ourselves, then we honestly admit to ourselves what we want: marriage, adventure, recognition, money. Sincerely interested in others, we understand their expectations. And let’s not be disappointed if we don’t get what we expected.
Attention without stress
Absorbed by studies, 24-year-old Alexander only noticed a girl in the audience in his second year, who immediately interested him: “I wanted to talk to her, and I thought: I need to act like my friend Lesha, a joker, a favorite of women. After the lecture, I went up to her, started telling a joke, but it was as if my tongue had dried up to the palate.
And here is another story: “I came to the sea with the idea of meeting someone, dressed up, glued my eyelashes, but to no avail,” says 36-year-old Adele. – Ten days later I got burned, my nose peeled off, I waved my hand at myself, stopped making up, and then, to my surprise, the men started talking to me. Two turned out to be Petersburgers, like me, I continue to meet with them … ”We are easier to please others when we are not busy thinking about how to please, and we are not afraid of“ failure ”.
Adult partnership implies that we understand the interests of the other, we meet them halfway
The one who doubts his worth and believes that he needs to improve himself, “appear in a better light,” tries. We seem to pretend, and others feel insincerity, tension and shun us.
Adult partnership implies that we understand the interests of the other and meet them halfway, that we do not expect unconditional acceptance from the partner, which is possible only in an ideal parent-child relationship. But there is a difference: consider the interests of another or depend on them, hope for a favorable response – or urgently need it to maintain self-esteem.
Change of motivation
Let’s pay attention to what words are usually used when it comes to establishing contact with a representative of the opposite sex: “win”, “achieve”. The words themselves are aggressive, they describe some violence over circumstances and even over a partner. These efforts cause the “conqueror” overexertion, exhaustion and a feeling of fatigue. Even in the words “deserve”, “attract” we find “service” and “dragging” the interests of the interlocutor in the direction we need. It’s not fun, it’s hard work!
This is how motivation changes. What everyone needs in the strength of our human nature is the creation of close relationships in which there is trust, respect and tenderness. Instead, we hunt the person we are interested in as prey. We are trying to control his feelings, to take power over him. Perhaps it seems to us that such power will give that sense of security that was initially lacking. But it is not the struggle for power that brings real security, but mutual trust and warmth. How to find them?
Flirting or coquetry?
Sexologist Yevgeny Kashchenko suggests distinguishing the subtleties of these concepts.
One of the most famous stimulants of sexual desire – flirting. This type of behavior without sexual relations implies an elusive atmosphere of mutual respect and attention with erotic overtones: gestures, glances, hints … Flirting is often done for its own sake. Art for art’s sake! Flirting, partners compensate for the impossibility of more, test their own attractiveness and at the same time the ability to arouse attraction in the object of sexual preference. A smile, a peculiar timbre of a voice, a detail of a dress – a kind of pleasure in testing a feeling, in a hint of its possibility, in assessing the evidence of what is happening. Flirting, people go through the stage of formation of sexual attraction, and often this process develops into intimacy.
Coquetry akin to flirting, but its difference is that this phenomenon is often unconscious. The coquette strives for conquest, but only in order to enjoy the very fact of conquest, without any other goal. Like a miser who does not want to buy anything with his gold, he hoards it for the sake of the gold itself. Flirting is a much more forgivable “sin”, there is even an expression – “innocent flirting”, which sounds completely different than another idiom – “soulless coquetry”. The coquette plays with the man, but he does not play with her, while, by flirting, the couple performs a conscious erotic game. Today, instead of somewhat old-fashioned “coquetry”, “seduction” is increasingly heard – but it also requires a certain skill, skills, and not just one intuition.
Lifelong lessons
“Be interested in the interlocutor, accept him as he is, sympathize with him. It is felt and reciprocated,” say relationship guides. But what if you first try to treat yourself like that?
The basis of a harmonious personality is a sense of self-worth: when we not only recognize with our mind, but with our whole being we feel the value of our being. We open ourselves to ourselves. We discover our aspirations and try to realize them. Maybe it’s family comfort or the excitement of work, or maybe freedom and enterprise. We are building a life for ourselves.
But are our interests and values true, or have they been instilled into us? It is easy to understand: if they are true, they bring joy and add strength. The ability to understand your desires and enjoy their energy comes gradually.
It’s like mastering an art – you have to start and keep going. Throughout their lives, as a musician and artist, they have been perfecting their art for years. And then the magic happens, we begin to understand others better, because we have already “learned from ourselves” and can direct our ability to others when we want.
The development of a relationship between two is like a dance
There are more and more people around who have similar values. Like us, they know how to be sincere. And then the question “How to please?” does not arise. We do not hide our desires, and the right people respond to them. We respect the freedom of our neighbor as our own, and the other feels safe and opens up to meet us.
The development of relations between the two is like a dance that is composed right there: the second responds to the movement of one with its own movement. It starts with a simple smile, a friendly look. Attentive partners gradually master coherence – understanding and sincere support of the other.
So you can dance all your life. But you can also perform a sultry “dance” of the call of nature. When partners honestly understand both themselves and the other, then a short union brings only joy.