How often do we feel annoyed when we enter a store and hear the on-duty “Can I help you with something”? Why is the question of the manager in the restaurant “Are you expected?” repulses some of us? Psychologists have explained what caused the negative reaction to innocent questions.
In the store, we experience a strange feeling – for some reason, the nice salesman annoys us with his helpfulness. And in response to his friendly “Are you looking for something specific?” we sing through our teeth: “No, I just came to look.” A smiling hostess in a restaurant asks if anyone is waiting for us, if we will be alone and if we have a table booked, and we immediately begin to boil.
Why do neutral phrases evoke an angry reaction in us? And can it be fixed?
“Do you have something to suggest?”
The phrase is a tracing paper from the English “Can I help you?”, explains psychologist Yevgeny Osin. In English, this is a standard politeness formula that looks quite appropriate as a starting point for dialogue and does not particularly oblige either the speaker or the person to whom it is addressed.
In Russian, this phrase (still!) sounds a bit unnatural: intuition tells us that a person who really wants to help us would have put it differently, would have found other words. And we consider this phrase as a formula of politeness and it irritates us because in our culture it is not politeness that is valued, but sincerity. Therefore, the standard formulas of politeness, smiles “out of politeness” cause a negative reaction: we are not sure that the person using such a phrase really wants to help us.
The seller should not be intrusive. The buyer in the first minutes needs time to look around
“The question “Are you looking for something specific?” is in itself incorrect,” says psychologist Oksana Litvinova. “Often, rarely anyone can answer: yes, I am looking for a short green leather skirt, straight, with a zipper on the side, and not more than 5000. Agree, such a “specific” answer can be given far to each client.”
Most often, we have rather vague plans when we enter the store – to buy something to match those new trousers, to find “something decent” for a husband, or “something beautiful for a corporate party”, so the seller’s question brings us back to earth. Some are forced to remember that he does not have money for what he would like, others feel guilty that he went to the store, and others are simply taken by surprise. Too helpful sellers seem to oblige you to buy something, and this causes only one desire – to leave as soon as possible.
This tactic is clearly not conducive to good sales. One of my acquaintances answers the sellers like this: “If something is needed, I will definitely contact you.” But often people just try to retreat. The seller should not be intrusive. No need to immediately rush to the entered. The buyer in the first minutes needs time to look around. The best thing you can do is to demonstrate your readiness for contact – say hello, smile, interrupt the conversation or put down your smartphone. And then: sit and wait. At the same time, the seller must feel when the client needs help, when he stops or looks at something for a long time or turns his head around in search of the seller. At this point, the employee should come up.
“Is anyone waiting for you?”
“This phrase is quite harmless, but sometimes it can be annoying if it is perceived as an invasion of privacy: perhaps we do not want to put a person we still do not know who meets us at the entrance to know if someone is waiting for us and who exactly, – continues Evgeny Osin. – Again, in an English-speaking context, the original source of this phrase “Is someone expecting you?” sounds completely harmless. In our culture, such superficial contacts between people often cause awkwardness and anxiety: we immediately want to either reduce the distance, reach a more sincere level of informal communication, or stop communication altogether.
The phrase “Will you be alone?” sounds like an invasion of privacy
“When they ask:“ Will you be alone? ”, This does not just sound like an interference in our personal lives, answering the question in the affirmative, we emphasize our loneliness, remind ourselves of it, which is not pleasant for everyone. Girls are especially sensitive to this question. If she has problems in her personal life, this question can be traumatic, reminding once again of failures in love, ”explains Oksana Litvinova.
When we are asked if we have booked a table, this implies that there may not be places. That is, if we have not booked a place for ourselves in advance, we seem to be second-rate, and we may be refused. And to hear refusal is always unpleasant, no matter what it concerns. Of course, not everyone will come up with such associations, but if you have any personal problems, these questions can cause irritation.
Than to replace?
These phrases are difficult to replace: their problem is not so much in the wording itself, but in the fact that these are on-duty recipes. It is impossible to refuse them – you can only replace them with other equally on-duty phrases. These formulas of politeness do not irritate only if they are preceded by a sufficiently warm and sincere “good evening” and if the person who tells us this really wishes us this inwardly.
Even if he or she has his own problems, fatigue – he leaves all this behind the doors of the store or restaurant in which he works. This, perhaps, is the culture of service – at work, do not give out memorized phrases, do not portray a person who wants to help, but really be one.
What to do?
“If you feel annoyed, you should think about why this phrase annoys me right now,” Evgeny Osin continues. – As a rule, we become sensitive to such signals when we have some kind of own problem – for example, some important need is not satisfied. But instead of admitting it to ourselves, we look to the outside world for an excuse to “legalize” our irritation – this allows us to experience and release our aggression, successfully avoiding meeting our real problem.