Some of us may cry for no reason, not to mention weddings and christenings, while others do not remember the last time we cried. But both the whiner and the stoic are taken by surprise by crying: it catches up just when you need to save face, and makes you feel uncomfortable. Why do we want to cry and can we keep from crying?
Why are we crying
At first glance, the answer is obvious – because they are happy or, on the contrary, unhappy. But everything is more difficult. Crying is a natural emotional response to feelings, most commonly sadness and pain. “People often cry for other reasons as well,” notes psychologist Steven Sideroff. For example, when they see something beautiful. The person seems to thaw: he ceases to defend himself and is relieved. There is a restoration of energy with the help of feelings. But this is just one of the reasons why we want to cry.
Crying may be a survival mechanism, notes neuropsychologist Jody Delucia: “When we feel like crying, it indicates an important need.” For example, this may mean that we are missing something or there is too much of something. Or we’re just trying to get attention – researchers call this the “secondary benefit” of crying.
Crying has a biochemical purpose. “It helps flush out stress hormones and toxins from the body,” explains Lauren Bylsma, a researcher at the University of South Florida in Tampa (USA). Crying also has a social function: it is easier for a crying person to get the support of others. So tears become a means of manipulation – for example, with their help it is easier to get a partner to agree to a vacation or to encourage children to finally improve their math grades.
If you can’t cry
Sometimes tears are too inopportune. Accompanying a loved one to medical procedures, we try to encourage him by our own example. And when our boss says we’ve been denied a promotion, we try to keep our dignity. In addition, tears always indicate vulnerability. “This vulnerability increases the level of intimacy in relationships with others,” says Steven Sideroff. Sometimes the undesirable increase in intimacy with the environment itself makes us feel uncomfortable.
What to do with rising tears when you want to cry? Lauren Bylsma advises:
1. Try to save tears for later, but not forever. Suppression of emotions is not good for us, so do not forbid yourself to be weak and do not convince yourself that it is not right to cry.
2. Try to be distracted. How exactly depends on your character and circumstances. You can watch a funny video, and in line to the doctor – find a magazine and immerse yourself in reading.
3. If you still really want to cry, do not resist. Excuse yourself, go out, find a suitable place and cry there.
How to calm the crying?
Lauren Bylsma and Steven Sideroff give four clues:
1. If nothing is done, it can make a person cry even more.
2. Try to be supportive. Which one depends on the situation and how closely you know the person crying. Sometimes it is more appropriate to listen carefully and tactfully than to impose hugs.
3. Ask crying people how you can help them. Do not think that you already know why they cry and what they need.
4. Someone who bursts into tears in front of many people usually feels more embarrassed than someone who cries in the company of one or two people they know. But at the same time, crying among a large group will willingly accept support even from strangers.