Sometimes we make mistakes, offend someone, or do something wrong. But it’s one thing to admit a mistake and try not to repeat it. The other is just to blame yourself. Why? What’s wrong with guilt? Clinical psychologist Aaron Carmine explained.
Any six-year-old child knows that if we did wrong, we deserve to be punished. When we do not trust ourselves and do not believe that we are able to make the right decision, uncertainty and doubt become our punishment. We deny ourselves happiness in the hope that this lesson will help us not to make the same mistakes in the future.
However, the cycle repeats itself. After all, a person who considers himself a fool will certainly be guilty again, he will again need to be punished. Because of this, self-doubt will only grow stronger. We will be even more convinced of our own stupidity and stupidity.
But it’s so illogical — there’s no reason to behave like that. In fact, these reasons are not intellectual, but emotional in origin, they are associated with our subjective ideas about ourselves.
Sometimes the source of self-flagellation is the belief that suffering is inevitable. We prefer to blame ourselves before others do — it’s not as painful. We choose the lesser of evils, because listening to other people’s accusations is even harder.
Perhaps the parents wanted to see us as the perfect child. We are used to the fact that ordinary human weaknesses and shortcomings disappoint them. Used to feeling guilty about not living up to their high standards and expectations.
To get rid of the painful feeling of his inferiority and insignificance, the child could choose several ways, but all of them are immature and wrong.
1. Try to match the ideas of parents as much as possible about the ideal child and try to compensate for their shortcomings by constantly striving for perfection.
2.Deny any flaws and pretend that he is perfect and infallible. Consider any criticism as false gossip of envious people.
3. Live with the motto «I’m not to blame!» and each time to shift the blame for their misdeeds to others. Sometimes such a defense can reach the point of absurdity: even if we are caught red-handed, we continue to insist on our own. We say, for example: “You forced me to do this!” We are so overwhelmed with negative emotions that we cannot bear any more guilt.
4. Accept the opinion of parents and believe that we really are to blame for everything, insignificant and useless. To put up with the imposed negative identity is still better than to be left without it at all. But in this case, we will take on unnecessary responsibility and deliberately look for reasons for accusations.
Excessive desire to «prevent, plan and control» becomes counterproductive
All of these childhood reactions we often retain into adulthood. And we continue to inadequately relate to any shortcomings and imperfections in ourselves, others and the world around us as a whole. When something happens that confirms our childhood stereotypes, we react with an outburst of rage.
It is impossible to «fix» human imperfection. It is possible to take reasonable precautions, but an excessive desire to «prevent, plan and control» becomes counterproductive.
Each of us has flaws. Our possibilities are not unlimited. We make mistakes from time to time. To accept and love yourself, it is important to accept not only your strengths, but also your weaknesses. Only in this way do we recognize that we are worthy of love and respect without any conditions, despite all the mistakes and imperfections.
About the author: Aaron Carmine is a clinical psychologist at Urban Balance Psychological Services in Chicago.