Contents
Fantasies are an integral part of our romantic life. But the presence of someone else in them can hurt a partner and cause us to doubt our own feelings. Why do these thoughts arise and how to deal with them?
It is difficult to imagine a sex life in which there is no place for fantasies. Sometimes we unconsciously attribute to a partner or strangers qualities and thoughts that excite us. It would seem that this is bad? According to the scientific journal Sex Research, 98% of men and 80% of women occasionally think erotically about someone other than their partner.
At the same time, many would prefer not to know about such fantasies of a partner. A conversation on this topic can easily end with accusations of infidelity. But is it possible to put an equal sign between real betrayal and thoughts that we do not plan to implement?
To do this, it is worth understanding why we need fantasies.
We can’t be everything to each other
“In my sessions, I often see couples in which relationships deteriorate due to jealousy,” says Seth Meyers, psychotherapist, couples relationship specialist. – I explain to each of the partners that no one person can satisfy any of their needs – in sex or in something else. I recommend that couples learn to accept the other as a whole, as a separate person – and this means accepting that a partner can fantasize about others.
We play different scenarios
Sometimes it’s hard to know what we really want. Upbringing, ideas about sex that surround us, our own “blocks” acquired as a result of bad experiences – all this makes it difficult to openly discuss certain points with a partner.
In our fantasies, we can be more free and secure at the same time. The craziest productions we can stage in our heads are made possible by a sense of control. The involvement of other people can help us disengage from current relationships.
People in our fantasies are puppets, with them you can not feel shame and embarrassment.
We are burdened by “absolute” intimacy
We fantasize not because we don’t like partners, but because our lives are closely intertwined with their lives and we need some freedom from the presence of another. “We think about others not because, or necessarily because we are not close. We may even be too close,” explains psychotherapist Susan Whitbourne. Good sex requires some distance. Fantasies give it.”
We organize our inner space in the same way as we equip a home. Fantasies can be a way to “ventilate” rooms and breathe fresh air into them, or they can be part of our private corner where everyone else is not allowed access. This is one of the reasons why we should respect the fantasies of a partner – the element of mystery and inaccessibility is exciting, and this is good for the relationship in general.
When to worry
“When partners have been together for many years, it is natural for each of them to fantasize about sex with other people,” explains Seth Meyers. “However, if these thoughts are always present, during every moment of intimacy, this is not a good sign: there may be something wrong in the relationship.”
If you constantly fantasize about someone else, this may be a psychological mechanism for avoiding the “uncomfortable” feelings that are present in a relationship. You may be bored, you may be angry with your partner, and then imagination gives you protection from intimacy that is unpleasant for you.
It is worth repeating once again: fantasies exist largely because they remain fantasies. “The irrational part of your mind is afraid that you will open the floodgates of desire and not be able to control their flow,” says Susan Whitbourne. “Imagining sex with someone is safe precisely because you know you will never go for it in reality.”