Why do we criticize children and what mental problems it threatens – the opinion of a psychologist

When people come to me for a consultation, and I need to understand how critical their parents were, I ask two simple questions: “What do you value in yourself?” and “What don’t you like about yourself?”

If a person thinks about the first question for a long time, and then hardly names two or three features, feeling embarrassed and awkward, and answers the second without thinking a lot, this is a sure sign that he was raised by a criticizing mother. The father, too, could be generous with comments, but the influence of the mother on the child’s soul is much more significant.

Do I need to point out to the child his mistakes? Sometimes yes, but in dysfunctional families, the ratio of censure to approval is 10: 1. But it should be the other way around. Or, in the worst case, equally.

A person who grew up with a critical parent lives with internal conflict: on the one hand, he constantly hears about the love and care of his mother, but does not feel it emotionally.

Extremely demanding. Seeking and finding flaws in any child’s behavior. Blaming the child for everything. She does not forgive any mistakes. This is a mother who sets a bar in front of her child at an unattainable height. To which no one can jump, including the mother herself.

Criticizing almost everything: character traits, appearance, behavior, choice of friends. The form of criticism can be either explicit: “Can you do anything normally?” Or hidden: “You are such a wonderful girl, and clever, and beautiful, but you have character … Oh, whoever marries you will be unlucky. ! “

Comparing… Achievements and character of the child is constantly compared with Masha from the second floor, older brother, himself in childhood …

Depreciating… No matter what the child did, it could have been done better, faster, more correctly, earlier and more. What is being said. And what has been done remains behind the scenes as unimportant and unnoticed.

Why does mom constantly criticize the child? Behind the external facade of a self-confident woman is an extremely dissatisfied, underestimated and disliked woman who, in her childhood, unsuccessfully tried to gain at least some approval and love from her parents. A woman who, deep down, still feels like a failure. And now she has been trying all her life to get rid of this feeling, trying to be perfect, even at the expense of the psychological health of her own baby. And criticism of children is an outward rejection of oneself.

The requirement of super-achievement and perfectionism from children is her hope to get praise and appreciation of significant people (for example, her parents, even if they have died long ago) by providing evidence: “These are the kind of successful children I raised! So, everything is fine with me! “

Due to low self-esteem, such a mother constantly needs to prove to herself that she is smarter, right and knows better. She competes with her own child in “unequal weight”. She builds her self-worth on the ruins of her child’s self-worth.

This is a life with constant tension caused by its inner critic. And only criticism of your children relieves this condition for a short time due to the temporary elevation of oneself above the child.

She herself lived without the right to make a mistake and now unconsciously passes this life scenario to her children.

If the relationship with the child is not corrected in time, then he will not be able to avoid problems in the future. Constant criticism from his mother is fraught with serious things for him:

– the feeling “I am subhuman”: I am not smart enough, beautiful, diligent, accurate, hardworking, helping – in other words, good;

– striving for super-achievements: a person becomes a workaholic, lives in chronic stress, taking on more than he is able to do;

– lack of faith in yourself;

– dependence on the opinions of others;

– dissatisfaction with life, regardless of any achievements;

Low self-esteem, inferiority complex, and persistent feelings of guilt

– procrastination (chronic postponing of things for later): he brought out from childhood a deep conviction that it is impossible to do ideally, which means that it is better not even to start;

– fear of doing something new, so as not to get into a losing situation, not to make a mistake;

– “impostor syndrome” – the feeling that I am a deceiver who is about to be exposed;

– depression or apathy, because all his life he was taught “do not listen to yourself, but listen to me, mom.” And he never learned to listen to the voice of his desires, his needs and his unwillingness. As a result, such people graduate from the institute recommended by their mother, find a job that, in the mother’s opinion, guarantees money and social status, but they feel neither joy, nor motivation, nor satisfaction from this, since they do not their own;

– inability to defend their boundaries and interests. Such girls in the future often find themselves in marriage with emotional tyrants, because for them the psychological abuse when they give up and adapt is not only familiar, but has become the norm.

Or he has a chance, in turn, to become angry, indignant, also criticizing everyone around him.

And, finally, if you are a mom who believes in criticism, remember: your child is made stronger, more successful and better by your love, understanding and support, and not humiliation and devaluation.