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Surely you have heard “She is both smart and beautiful! And she comes across men — one is worse than the other … «or» He is an excellent specialist, and a normal person. But with women he is terribly unlucky. Why, then, time after time do we get into relationships in which we are hurt?
Imagine: you are driving in a car and looking for a suitable radio station. You come across only unfamiliar songs in foreign languages. You scroll the toggle switch further, further … Not a single familiar track! And suddenly — oh, you immediately recognize this melody! She is so dear, like hello from childhood. You remember the words by heart.
This is how we get to know “our” person. The one who reproduces in relations with us an unfinished children’s conflict. Who will be able to behave with us the way we are accustomed to since childhood.
Revisiting childhood script
For example, Marina grew up with an alcoholic dad. When the father came drunk, Marina helped her mother put him to bed. She used to worry about her dad, be helpful and solve her problems on her own. Marina grew up and met Igor. Igor doesn’t drink. But he doesn’t get along well with his work all the time. He doesn’t stop anywhere. Marina worries again, tries to help and does not burden her with her problems.
Sasha grew up with a demanding, critical mother. She was hard to please. Sasha felt not good enough, unworthy. He is married to Ira. Ira is always unhappy with how much Sasha spends time with her family, how much attention she pays to her, how she behaves in conversations. Sasha despaired, it seems to him that it is already useless to even try to be good for Ira. He is unable to give her what she needs.
Ira, Sasha’s wife, lacked attention as a child. Her parents were not up to her. Ira was left to herself. And only when she was sick or had a big scandal, did she see that she was noticed. Ira chose Sasha because she recognized the «melody»: Sasha would also be emotionally unavailable. As a child, he learned to withdraw into himself from his mother’s demands and pressure. And Ira, trying to get through, puts more and more pressure on her husband.
It happens that we ourselves are pushing a partner to a familiar pattern of relationships, a familiar “melody”
Because we can’t do it any other way. And also because we desperately, passionately want to end the children’s conflict in our favor.
Marina chooses Igor in the hope now, when she is an adult, to save him, to help him, as she could not help her father in childhood. Sasha chose Ira to finally get what he sorely lacked in his early years — acceptance and approval. Ira married Sasha to satisfy her huge aching hunger for attention and recognition.
We subconsciously choose exactly those partners who, like parents, are unlikely to give us what we so badly need. And then we suffer. What to do with it? Is there a way out? Difficult and slow, but there is.
The first step is to recognize your major childhood deficit.
It is necessary to see its sharpness and scale. For some it will be approval, for others it will be the right to be loved not only when you are comfortable or successful. For some, acceptance of themselves and their desires.
The second step is to honestly mourn what parents could not give.
Yes, we needed it so much, but we didn’t get it … Nothing can be changed. Childhood in the past. When we allow ourselves to be sad about it, we will gradually be able to accept it.
The third step is to «grow» an approving and accepting inner parent.
This is not even a step, but a whole trip. It will take time. This is the advantage of adulthood: we can become loving parents to ourselves.
How to do it?
- Practice a kind, compassionate attitude towards yourself. And in ordinary everyday life, and especially in moments of failure, failure, fatigue, confusion.
- Ask yourself: “How would a loving parent look at this? What would he say to me now?
- To notice a critical, condemning inner voice: “What kind of useless (th) are you!”, “You can’t cope with anything normally”, “Who cares about your suffering!” And turn on another one who will say: “It’s a pity that this time it didn’t work out. It happens. Are you okay. It’s okay to face difficulties.» Or: “Your feelings are important and very understandable. It’s sad that you’re sick right now.»
This will be difficult. But the further, the easier. When we learn to be kind and loving towards ourselves, we will be able to build relationships in which we will be treated well.