“We are made for each other”, “marriages are made in heaven” … “This illusion is necessary, it gives the relationship significance and depth,” says family therapist Robert Neuburger.
Robert Neuburger, psychoanalyst, clinical psychologist, vice-president of the French Society for Family Psychotherapy.
Psychologies: It all starts with the myth that the meeting is not accidental, but destined by fate?
Robert Neuburger: Yes. The man is surprisingly romantic – he easily creates what I call the “myth of destiny.” We are all looking for symbolic coincidences that prove that our meeting was a foregone conclusion. After the fact, we see the hand of fate in this … This is a necessary fiction that gives a deep meaning to the existence of a couple. Here we are in the power of magical thinking, in the realm of the irrational and the poetic. We believe in this myth, which we do not recognize as a myth, otherwise we would stop believing in it!
Can you give examples?
R. N .: “It’s amazing – all our childhood we walked in the same park and did not know each other!” Or: “We both love jazz, James Bond movies and war memoirs.” The most unusual thing I heard: “We realized that we were made for each other when it turned out that there was nothing in common between us.” The symbolic meaning can be seen even in this…
But there’s really no magic here.
R. N .: That’s right, the myth often arises from small details. The model upon which such a myth is built is the story of Tristan and Iseult, who drank a drink of love that was not intended for them. In our life, this prototype can be embodied, for example, like this: “Strange, I should not have come that evening and nevertheless I came. Something pushed me. I knew that we would meet, this is fate. If one of the two had arrived five minutes earlier or later, they would never have met. In fact, they would find other partners for themselves, they just don’t know about it!
The myth glorifies the meeting, makes it a miracle
Can’t there be a couple without this myth?
R. N .: The myth glorifies the meeting, makes it a miracle. This is the first pillar of the partners’ common faith when the relationship is still in the making. If this fundamental myth did not arise from the very beginning – for example, if two people became a couple only because the woman became pregnant, or when one of the two could not choose between several “applicants” – the couple becomes a functional community of two people, nothing more.
Does the myth of fate fade over time, become less important?
R. N .: Not at all. Myth remains the cornerstone of relationships. Usually, over time, partners realize that it is in their interests to continue to believe in this key moment in their lives when they chose each other – or were chosen by fate. If a deceit is suddenly revealed here (for example, he assured you that he adores Homer in order to charm you, but in fact he barely mastered half a page), then this is a serious blow. The attack on the myth is dangerous because it undermines the foundations of the couple’s common faith.