Unfortunately, not every marriage today results in the cherished «they lived happily ever after.» Relationship coach Chris Armstrong explains what pushes people to legitimize their relationship, and what is the main mistake of women.
Marriage is hard work, a series of ups and downs that test partners for strength. It takes many years to get used to each other, find common ground and learn to live together.
Then why are we getting married? In each specific situation, the answer, of course, is different, but there are several most popular reasons for registering a marriage.
1. Why not? This is the logical next step in a relationship.
2. Coincidence: pregnancy, change in financial condition, transfer of one of the partners to work in another city.
3. Fear of being alone or growing old alone.
4. Desire to «grow up»: family people seem more mature and older.
5. Fear of losing a partner: “I don’t want to get married, but if I don’t, she will leave me.” Neither love nor passion appear on the list — strange, isn’t it? Many of us get married to show our friends and family that we are fine, even if deep down we doubt that our choice is for life.
It turns out that marriage today is based on rather superficial reasons, and personally I don’t like it. I am a relationship coach, my job is to help people build serious relationships. Most of my clients are between 35 and 47 years old. They are either divorced and trying to make good use of a second try, or they have never been married and carefully choose a potential partner.
You need to learn to figure out which qualities are integral features of your ideal man, and which ones are a nice addition.
The situation is quite contradictory: we want to find a partner who will satisfy our needs for physical, intellectual and emotional intimacy, but at the same time we do not believe too much that one person can do this all his life.
For women, this issue is more acute: the need for a relationship is greater, the expectations are higher, and therefore there are more chances that the union will sooner or later cease to satisfy them. What to do? Lowering the bar of expectations, suppressing desires and needs, just to find at least some kind of partner, is not an option. Waiting for the perfect man is also useless, because ideals do not exist. The only reasonable way out is to look for a partner that is ideal for you.
But here another problem arises: women rarely clearly articulate desires and needs. You need to learn to figure out which qualities are integral features of your ideal man, and which ones are a nice addition. When you answer this question, it will be easier for you to decide who to meet, date and enter into relationships (provided, of course, that you stick to your priorities).
The next step is to drop the idea of marriage and embrace the concept of partnership. No, it’s not about stopping dreaming about marriage. It’s just that too often women create artificial barriers in a relationship because they overestimate someone’s potential as a husband or worry about the proverbial «biological clock.»
My advice is simple: relax, meet men, choose who to date, enjoy life and don’t get hung up. If one of your suitors turns out to be «the one», the offer will not take long.
About the Author: Chris Armstrong is a relationship coach.