Contents
Meetings with friends, picnics in a big company, parties in the company of new acquaintances … They prefer solitude to all this. Don’t see anyone, don’t talk to anyone, stay at home. For some it is a nightmare, for them it is the ideal of life. Why?
In our “hyper-contact” society, loners cause distrust, fear or even envy because of their self-sufficiency. At the same time, many of them are not at all against communication: they just like to dose it. For introverts, loneliness is a safety net against overstimulation. At the same time, having been alone with themselves, they return to the outside world full of strength. But some avoid the company of other people for years.
What is behind seclusion?
«I do not need anybody»
Maria, a 35-year-old translator, spends most of her time alone. She admits that she is satisfied with this state of affairs: “I prove to myself that I don’t need anyone to be happy.” Psychotherapist and clinical psychologist Frédéric Fange sees the source of this behavior in childhood: “If I was told that I was the smartest, strongest and most beautiful, why do I need someone else? What can he give me?
If parents have not encouraged the child’s need to discover another person and share thoughts and feelings with him, he may develop selfish traits. Encountering other people who may not value him as highly as his parents can shake his confidence and cause him to withdraw into himself. In communication, such a person is often haunted by the «impostor syndrome» — any new acquaintance causes him the fear of being «exposed», to appear before another in his banality and worthlessness.
«I’m afraid of society»
According to Fange, the desire for complete independence from others most often hides the fear of condemnation or violation of boundaries by others. Social anxiety can be congenital or acquired. For example, as in the case of 42-year-old Stepan: “We never had strangers in our house. For parents, their marriage was a solace in a world that seemed hostile to them.» He developed an excessive distrust of others: «When your parents tell you and show you with all their behavior that people cannot be trusted, you unwittingly become an individualist.»
When the first experience of confrontation with others fails, it can lead to future avoidance behavior.
This attitude may also be the result of a traumatic memory. 42-year-old Anastasia suffered humiliation as a child: at school, the teacher mocked her, publicly ridiculed her awkwardness. Today Anastasia prefers the life of a «recluse». At least that’s what she says. Frédéric Fange has his own thoughts on this matter: “When the first experience of confrontation with others fails, this can lead to avoidant behavior in the future.”
«I want to avoid pain»
For many singles, relationships seem to be something unpredictable and spontaneous. It is possible that in childhood, the parents — especially the mother — left the child alone for a long time, and he developed distrust as a defensive reaction to the feeling of loss. “Such people avoid making connections because they don’t want to become addicted,” says the psychologist. “They are anxious about the thought of losing: they are afraid of losing someone to whom they have already become attached. They would rather be alone than relive the acute pain of childhood.”
What to do?
Turn around to face others
The habit of constant loneliness changes the perception of the world. It is more and more difficult for a person to face unexpected situations, especially when they require you to talk to someone, to achieve something from them. The less often you communicate with people, the more this prospect worries you. But this habit can be changed. Don’t be passive. Take the initiative. Join the conversation. Practice on those you trust: relatives, close friends, colleagues. Call to make an appointment. You will see that your attitude to the world and to yourself will quickly begin to change.
Take the focus off yourself
Self-centeredness often coexists with vulnerability: it seems to a person that others are constantly judging and judging him. To do away with these anxieties, learn decentering — the ability to overcome egocentrism and look at yourself from the outside. Be interested in the world around you, people who are different from you, ask questions. By opening yourself to new experiences, you will not only end painful introspection, but also learn to better understand the motivations of other people, develop empathy for them.