Enjoying freedom and longing — balancing between these two poles, a single woman finds many excuses not to live in a couple. But what is really behind her arguments? Analysis of the phenomenon and deciphering eight (imaginary) good reasons.
Being lonely is hard. It would seem that you can live the way you want, not adapt to anyone, self-realize professionally … However, most women are very vulnerable: they need love, they need to feel protected. Yes, and public opinion sometimes perceives the absence of a partner as something different from the social standard. It can be difficult for a lonely woman to return to an empty apartment in the evening. And… it’s hard to give up freedom.
“I have mixed feelings,” says 35-year-old Olga, an aide to the deputy. — At work, I fly like on wings, and when I come home — the blues rolls. I am passionate about work, proud of my independence. But sometimes I think: I would give everything, if only I had a family, a child. Then morning comes, I get behind the wheel, go to the Duma and say to myself: “Do you want to turn into a mother hen? Are you out of your mind?
fear of intimacy
“Women torment themselves by trying to explain the reason for the “defeat” on the personal front,” says psychotherapist Anna Varga. “But it’s enough to listen to their judgments about men, to follow the logic of behavior, to conclude that fear is at the heart of their actions.”
Fear is the key word. “Moreover, some fears are superimposed on others,” Anna Varga explains, “so, behind the fear of not meeting anyone, the fear of the meeting itself is often hidden, behind the desire to start a life together is the expectation of betrayal. The woman is sure in advance that she will be deceived, and prefers not to enter into close relationships at all.
That is why many choose temporary relationships: now we live together, but tomorrow, maybe someone more interesting will appear. “Such instability increases the fear of rejection, especially in women,” says psychoanalyst Lola Komarova. “After all, unlike men, they are primarily looking for affection in relationships, and not sexual satisfaction. And the gap, the loss of attachment is perceived hard. Having experienced this once, a woman is likely to be afraid to get carried away again.
Often, the fear of intimacy becomes the determining factor in a woman’s behavior. “This is not about intimophobia, fear of sexual intimacy, but about the difficulties of adapting to another person. It requires mental costs, and therefore it seems too difficult, explains Anna Varga. — This is the fear of losing yourself, dissolving in a partner, in a family — in other words, the fear of absorption. And often, not feeling the strength to defend their «I», women prefer not to get involved in the «adventure».
Family Messages
“I don’t know of a single example of a truly happy family!” — such a refrain is often heard from single women. It is difficult for many of them to imagine that the relationship between a man and a woman can be easy, harmonious, and love can be full of emotions and happy.
This view largely depends on the model of the union of parents. Whether women rebel against him or try to imitate him, whether they idealize the marriage of their parents or whether it causes bitterness that they want to forget, the main thing is the mother’s experience: whether she was happy. It is through this experience that the image of the family is born.
They live for their own pleasure, but at the same time they are not responsible for their own family. In fact, they remain teenagers even at 40.
“It is not uncommon for the father to be “bad” and the mother unfortunate,” says Jungian analyst Stanislav Raevsky. “Becoming an adult, the daughter will hardly be able to establish a serious relationship — any man for her, most likely, will stand on a par with her father, and she will involuntarily perceive him as a dangerous person.”
“It can not be easy for a girl who grows up in a loving family and hears from childhood: there are no such wonderful relationships as we have, we are better than others,” adds Anna Varga. It’s hard to be happy when the bar for relationships is so high.
Does not bode well and excessive attachment to parents. “Such women are too happy at home, and they are not able to break the connection with the parental family,” adds Lola Komarova. “Besides, it’s more convenient and easier to live in your father’s house. They earn and live for their own pleasure, but they are not responsible for their own family. In fact, they are still teenagers at 40.” The price for comfort is high — it is difficult for «big girls» to create or maintain their own family.
Striving for the ideal
Ask a single woman what she considers the most important thing in a relationship with a man. You will almost certainly hear that her potential partner must be caring, understanding, loyal, always ready to lend a shoulder. In other words, we will only talk about her requirements. But where is she herself, what is her role, what is she ready to give to her partner?
“A man is perceived as an object of consumption,” explains Lola Komarova, “a single woman, like a teenager, seeks to consume, to enjoy. But it is always more interesting for an adult to give.”
The maximalist perception of marriage is also associated with the infantile model of relationships: life together should be exceptionally happy and cloudless, and if this is not the case, then it is better to remain alone.
“Many women are afraid that they will not be heard, that they will not be respected and supported, which is why they prefer loneliness,” notes Anna Varga. — But any marriage in different periods is happy and not very, easy and difficult. Life in a couple is a living connection between two independent people, which is important for the personal development of both.
When a woman allows herself to be herself, stops feeling like a little girl filled with fear of adulthood, she has a chance to build a relationship. After all, becoming an adult means freeing yourself from fears and the influence of stereotypes, from the oppressive feeling of dislike and insecurity, in order to finally start living your life.