The wave of child suicides this winter shocked the entire society. Could adults keep them from the fatal step? Difficult reflections on the dangerous age.
And not only teenagers, but also children. A 10-year-old girl hanged herself because her friend refused to communicate with her. Two 14-year-old schoolgirls, holding hands, jumped off the roof, fearing punishment for absenteeism. Their peer jumped out of the window after a quarrel with his father, who was told at school that the boy was suspected of petty theft…
Russia came out on top in Europe in terms of the number of suicides among teenagers (in 2010, 1576 cases of suicide were officially registered and twice as many suicide attempts)*. However, these figures may be underestimated: child psychiatrists say that many cases of drug overdose, traffic accidents, falls from a height are more or less deliberate suicide attempts.
* According to the Presidential Commissioner for Children’s Rights Pavel Astakhov, rfdeti.ru
Mind and heart are not in harmony
Psychiatrist Elena Vrono, author of the book for teenagers Suicide Prevention (Academic Project, 2001), believes that the reason is loneliness, the disunity of our increasingly technological world. Communication in the family is replaced by a computer or TV, parents and teachers do not have enough time to talk with their children. At school, too, many suffer from feelings of isolation and lack of friends. And the contrast between the “adult” self-awareness, the lifestyle of adolescents and their spiritual immaturity is more and more striking. Having mastered the Internet from early childhood, at the age of 11-13 they navigate the adult world better than many parents: they blog, create web pages, confidently use gadgets, dress like an adult … At the same time, they emotionally remain teenagers — impulsive, anxious, easily falling into in despair, unable to calculate the consequences of their actions. Because of this imbalance, children are defenseless against too strong emotional experiences. Therefore, it is very important that in school conflicts, parents take the side of the child, no matter how badly he behaves. He must know that our intimacy and love will not disappear, no matter what he does. Anything can be done except violence and rejection.
Painful inner life
A suicide attempt can be provoked by an event that is insignificant in the opinion of an adult, but catastrophic for a child, an event, explains Elena Vrono. A teenager’s self-esteem changes instantly: a bad mark or remark is sometimes tantamount for him to the statement «I am the worst, I cannot be loved.» Acute shame, fear of punishment, school troubles can push the child to the extreme step. The very fact that our children think about death is unpleasant for us, it reminds us of our parental helplessness and failure. It is believed that the child is, by definition, happy. But in fact, he lives a difficult life. He is unbearable for others, but also for himself. His psyche is sometimes more tormented than the psyche of an adult. For example, when too much responsibility is assigned to him, undermining his self-esteem. Or he is forced to replace the parents of a deceased brother or sister, or their attention is captured by another child, sick or just younger. Or maybe adults are indifferent and give too much freedom where limits are needed.
Fuzzy image of death
According to Freud’s theory, no one can truly comprehend their own end*. What can we say about children and adolescents: for most of them, death has a beginning and an end — like a long illness or a long absence, explains Elena Vrono. They are sure that after death life will continue — already without the troubles that were «on this shore.» Virtual games, where death means nothing, make death even more abstract. Adolescents often believe that one can die “not completely”, “if everything is calculated correctly”. They do not expect to die — they just want to get out of an intolerable situation. Their idea of the value of human life is not formed, so their own life for them is a small price for revenge on the offender, for the opportunity to insist on their own … By killing himself, a person actually aims at his loved ones, who, it seems to him, prevent him from living says Sigmund Freud. Since aggression cannot be directed at others, it turns out to be directed at oneself. The young man begins to treat himself as a hated «them», «them», «others» and, as a result, tends to self-destruction. A sense of the value of life grows out of emotional attachments in the family. Starting to value their loved ones, a teenager learns to value both himself and human life in principle.
* Article «Sorrow and Melancholy» in the collection: Sigmund Freud «Interest in Psychoanalysis» (Potpourri, 2009).