Have you met people who, having made a mistake or done wrong to others, do not ask for forgiveness for it? What is behind such behavior? Perhaps such interlocutors are too stubborn to admit their guilt? Or are you not ready to take responsibility for your actions?
To begin with, most of us do this at least once in a while—not apologizing when we should. Usually we do this in two cases: either we don’t really care about the person and the relationship with him, in order to bring ourselves emotional discomfort and admit that we were wrong, or we are sure that you won’t fix anything by apologizing.
Let’s say you barked at a colleague who distracted you at the wrong time — when there were only a few hours or even minutes left before the delivery of an important project. If you are sure that this employee has already harbored a grudge against you for some previous incidents, you may not apologize for your behavior, deciding that the relationship will not be saved anyway.
But what about people who never, under any circumstances, admit that they made a mistake?
It is psychologically unbearable for them to admit to themselves and others that they were wrong. Apologizing in their case is like signing that they harmed another in one way or another, and this makes them feel burning shame.
A strong person is ready to endure the psychological discomfort of an apology.
Usually behind this lies low self-esteem and an ego so fragile that it can literally “split” from the fact that a person asks for forgiveness. So a defense mechanism kicks in and they unconsciously shift the blame onto others (including the circumstances) and blame the injured party for what happened.
At the same time, many of us take such a defense of a fragile ego as a sign of psychological strength: it seems to us that since a person does not admit that he is wrong, it means that he is one hundred percent sure of himself. What we perceive as strength is actually weakness.
On the contrary, a strong person is ready to endure the psychological discomfort of an apology, and his ego will not “crack” from admitting that he was wrong. He will not cease to consider himself good, while admitting that he made a mistake. Remembering this principle is not difficult: the more rigid our defense mechanisms, the more fragile what they protect.
How to deal with such people?
The mistake that most of us make when communicating with interlocutors who are unable to apologize is that we automatically begin to get annoyed and try to convince the other side — well, how else, we are right!
The sad truth, however, is that it is simply impossible to win this argument. Whatever facts and arguments in our favor we may bring, the interlocutor will deny everything to the last, accusing us of “always complicating everything” and “just looking for a reason to quarrel.”
The best thing you can do here is to try to convey your point of view as calmly and convincingly as possible, preventing the dialogue from turning into an unconstructive argument in raised tones.
Having calmed down and feeling that no one is attacking him, the interlocutor may even show signs of remorse — most likely non-verbally: for example, he will be kind or considerate to us.
Remind yourself that under the skin of the «stubborn donkey» lies someone incredibly gentle.
This is his or her way of «fixing» the relationship without compromising their own ego. If this feature — never to apologize — annoys you a lot, and the person is not close to you, you can try to minimize communication with him. But with family and friends, you will have to look for a way to interact.
Ideally, you should try to accept this trait, realizing that a loved one is simply psychologically incapable of asking for forgiveness. And, most likely, this will not change. By practicing acceptance, you can gradually stop getting involved in arguments, which means you can stop feeling pain, anger or frustration.
In addition, it is useful to “turn on” all the empathy and compassion that you are capable of. Remind yourself that under the skin of a «stubborn donkey» lies someone incredibly tender and vulnerable. And finally, apologize yourself — this way you will show your loved one that doing this is not scary at all.