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“She’s a blonde, what to take from her …”, “Well, a slob …”, “Look for such stingers like him!” – sometimes we ourselves do not notice how we hang labels on people. Why are we doing this? And isn’t it bad for us?
Psychologists are sure that when we put a label on someone or something, we are trying to assert ourselves that we understand this world. So, the division into black and white (into “blondes” and “upstarts”, strangers and their own, bad and good) makes life around easier and more understandable. For us, this schema-like approach is advantageous: by using it, we can make decisions quickly. We don’t have to think: we always have a ready answer for any situation! But our view of life becomes one-sided and superficial. It’s much more boring than seeing variety. Why?
“People who are quick to punish believe that there is only one truth – their truth, and they try to approve it as quickly as possible,” says psychotherapist Svetlana Mardoyan. What is missing for these people? First of all, respect for others. Tolerance and tolerance. Education, after all. After all, all people on the planet are somehow different from each other. And the other person has the right to be different from you. He, just like you, has the right to his truth and his vision of life.”
According to the therapist, the fact that a person is pushing his point of view too violently signals that in fact he is not at all sure of it. On a subconscious level, he has a fear: what if the truth of the other turns out to be “more truthful”? “If we are deeply sure of something, we do not need to shout about it right and left: our truth is this, and in any case we remain with it,” Svetlana concludes.
How to stop labeling
According to some studies, the lower the IQ level, the faster a person tends to hang labels on others. But even those with an above-average IQ are guilty of this behavior. The reason is that we give labels to people instantly: at the first meeting and on the first impression. And then we are just too lazy to look at a person differently. However, with good luck, we remove the label as quickly as before it was hung.
“I was walking towards the bus stop, and a couple was walking towards me: a woman in her fifties and a guy who looked about twenty-five,” says 36-year-old Elena. – The guy was handsome, even handsome, and the mother – not quite fresh-looking and with a swollen face – without stopping for a second, commented on everything that was happening around. Here the dog ran past (and who will clean up after it?), here the bus left (whether it was bad), here is the dirt underfoot (when will they finally put everything in order?). The boy nodded silently and rolled his eyes from time to time.
I thought: “Poor. Got such a mother. This is already a sentence, and over the years it will only get worse. Probably, he simply cannot leave her: such tyrants do not give life to anyone. So it will endure it, unfortunate one.
I stood and looked at them until the bus pulled up. And when he drove up, the woman, carefully helping, directed the guy to the door and put his hand on the handrail. With all possible tenderness, asking to be careful. He went into the saloon, stood by the window, and took out a folded white cane. The guy was visually impaired. And I was ready to fall through the ground – I was terribly ashamed.
According to Svetlana Mardoyan, such an experience will be useful to the heroine in the future in order to stop her own attempts to label in time. “Even when you believe your own eyes, ask yourself: is this what it looks like at first glance? the psychotherapist advises. – Remember, were there situations in your life when you were mistaken in people and the first impression was wrong? Finding answers to these questions is a constant inner work, but in the end the game is worth the candle.
Of course, we all tend to make mistakes – from time to time everyone rows others with the same brush. But still, try, at least sometimes, to “peel off” the usual labels. And if you see a mother yelling at her child on the street, then do not rush to condemn – you do not know at what stage her emotional strength ended. Keep in mind this famous saying: “Be kind, because everyone you meet is fighting an uphill battle.”
About expert
Svetlana Mardoyan – psychotherapist, existential analyst, trainer, supervisor. Her .