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Relations with the parents of the husband (wife) are not always successful. Often, parents hardly let their beloved children go into adulthood, and in children this causes fair aggression. If we understand what drives parents, we may be able to avoid conflicts or at least minimize them.
Parents often make a vow to themselves that their children, as adults, will decide for themselves how to live. However, making a promise to yourself is one thing, but reality is another. When children find a mate and begin to make plans for the future, parents try to dissuade the boy or girl from the wrong or dangerous step, in their opinion. If what was the cause of concern is suddenly confirmed, then the transfer of parental fears to children can make them doubt the correctness of their choice.
And the reason for this behavior is not necessarily selfishness. Rather, it is about the parents’ fear of losing a child when he falls in love or gets married. The fear of loss increases if the child has been unmarried or unmarried for a long time. After all, when he begins life in a couple, he says goodbye to childhood, to the past and no longer needs special closeness with his parents.
Allowing a child to experience their own experience is difficult.
The temptation of any parent, with a few exceptions, is to pass on life experiences to their children. Even if the children oppose it… The impracticability, in general, of a good intention is explained simply: the experience we have gained is useful only to us. It is as if the parents of one or even both partners project their past fears onto their children. Although, perhaps it is the mistake made in choosing a partner that will later help shape character and teach a person to determine his own boundaries. It cannot be neglected.
A reasonable choice in love relationships is impossible, each of us made a mistake at least once in order to find the type of relationship that suits only us. And if parents do not understand this, they become too obsessive towards their children living in a couple. That is, parents still believe that their children have not grown up, but still remain unintelligent.
“His parents behind my back endlessly reminded him of the past”
Olga, 29 years
“Misha and I divorced a year and a half ago, and suddenly he called on the eve of the New Year. He said that he could not forget me, and offered to give our relationship another chance. I agreed, because I myself often thought about him and about the two of us. We were together again. And then the husband’s parents intervened …
During the period of our family quarrels and immediately after the divorce, Misha needed their support, and they made me some kind of monster, the only one to blame for the fact that their son was suffering. When we tried to rebuild our relationship, his parents endlessly reminded him of the past behind my back, ostensibly to keep him from “making the same mistake” with me. “If it didn’t work then, it won’t work now! Don’t trust her!” etc.
I suspect that Misha’s parents never let him go into adulthood. They behaved too possessively towards him and saw in any woman a dangerous intriguer, because because of her the son would fly away from under their caring wing! Fortunately, Misha was able to resist the obsession of his parents and spoke frankly with them. They recognized me, although they still do not like me … “
It is important to take into account what connects a partner with his parents.
When choosing a partner, you need to pay special attention to what connects him with his parents. Since later, in the event of a conflict, it will be much more unpleasant to admit that the partner cannot resist his parents, is afraid to upset them, avoids a situation in which he may be “between two fires”, puts your interests in second place. He must be able to sometimes “revolt” against his parents and take on your defense if the parents behave unfairly towards you.
Otherwise, you will feel like an “unnecessary thing” that is not taken into account … This unconsciously leads to confrontation and conflicts between the daughter-in-law and the father-in-law and the mother-in-law, the son-in-law with the mother-in-law and father-in-law, while the love that we feel for parents, and that, that we feed to our partner have nothing in common.
Not living the life of your children is necessary
When parents realize that they have not been able to achieve life goals, they intervene in the family life of their children. They do this with good intentions: so that their children get in life what they lacked, and protect themselves from those pitfalls of family life that their parents ran into.
However, the desires of parents and children often do not coincide, hence the frustration of parents that their children are not perfect. The desire to influence children or give advice on how to live is the desire to maintain control over them. It will certainly sow discord in the family of children, pushing them implicitly to take the side of either their parents or their partner. In such a situation, only restraint in statements and non-intervention are appropriate.
“I had the impression that they treated me like a child and I never became a member of their family.”
Sergey, 33 years old
“When I met Lydia’s parents, I felt very uncomfortable, I don’t know why. After our wedding, this feeling did not disappear. My father-in-law and mother-in-law were always not very comfortable for me. Every time I, for example, dying of thirst, went to pour myself water, even after 2 years of marriage, I had to ask my wife’s parents if I could do it.
I had the impression that they treated me like a child and I never became a member of their family. When the whole family gathered to solve some family problems, I was not even invited to the table … Even after I married Lydia, her parents seemed to perceive me as some kind of additional and unnecessary detail. No matter what I did, they would never accept me. My wife understands me, but at the same time she realizes that she is unlikely to be able to change her parents. Now she often visits them without me.”