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You were sure that your relationship was developing and you were getting closer, and in the meantime your new friend stopped texting and calling. Nothing fatal happened to him: just half an hour ago he was active on social networks – and this makes it even more painful. Psychologist Marina Myaus reflects on why your expectations with your partner may not coincide.
“There was everything: both romantic dinners and bouquets, I imagined the most radiant future, and then he suddenly disappeared” – psychologists often hear such stories from women who, in a short time of dating, managed to idealize the image of a man and a future union with him. “There are always reasons for what happened,” says psychologist Marina Myaus. Let’s try to figure out what could have preceded the disappearance of a partner.
Too fast sex
“I immediately felt: this is my man, we feel good together, and on the second date there was closeness between us,” recalls Maryana. – Not everything went smoothly on the first night, he was very worried, but I realized that I wanted to be with him. In the morning we talked about joint plans, it seemed to me that he was happy with me. However, he has not appeared since then.”
“Too fast sex can be the reason for the finale of the story, which under other circumstances could have a future,” says the psychologist. – And it’s not that a woman deprives a man of a pleasant opportunity to win her. The first sex is extremely difficult to make romantic, but the responsibility for this falls on the man. He often gets so-called panic of the first meeting, because he does not yet know you well enough to relax.
As a result, it seems to the man that he was not up to par, and in the future he does not want to remind himself of this. Psychological protection turns on: he convinces himself that everything is in order with him, he just didn’t like the woman.
In order for both of them to like the first sex, it is important for men to stop worrying too much about this. Many of them need time to start trusting their partner.
Lack of “chemistry”
“We met through mutual friends, began to meet, and all the witnesses of our nascent relationship noted that we were unusually suited to each other,” Olga shares. “However, after a few weeks of dating, he began to write less often, and I felt that he was losing interest.”
Body language: how to understand that you like each other
“A man may appreciate you as a close person, but perhaps he was simply not captured by that inexplicable magical state that we talk about as “chemistry,” comments Marina Myaus. – At first, he feels: there is a lot in common between you and potentially you could become a couple, gives the relationship a chance, but the “butterflies in the stomach” that he expects do not appear. It’s good that he understands this and gives you the opportunity to find a person who will reciprocate your feelings.”
“Yes, I hold a high position and make good money,” explains Marina. – And my new friend could not boast of the same, but this did not bother me at all. He is interesting, sincere, and for me it was more important than the difference in social achievements. However, when he learned the details of my professional life, I felt he was embarrassed. Soon he began to refer to employment and our communication gradually faded away.
“After learning about your success, a man might think that he would have to reach for a new level. Perhaps, against your background, he did not want to feel worse, – suggests Marina Myaus. – In this case, psychological defenses also often work, and the person unconsciously turns the situation around: it seems to him that this woman is not good enough for him. He projects onto her his own shortcomings, which are harder to recognize in himself.
Fear of a strong feeling
“He admitted to me that he rarely experienced what happened in those few weeks between us. And he added that it frightens him, – Anna recalls. – I believed him – this is impossible to play. There was literally electricity between us. And then he suddenly disappeared.”
“Perhaps the person did not plan anything serious with you, however, against his will, he became emotionally attached,” explains the psychologist. These internal changes frightened him. It can be assumed that he did not want to lose control of himself, which is typical for narcissistic personalities. The only solution was to escape from strong feelings.
What to do in such situations
Look at what is happening through the eyes of the other side
If it is important for you to understand the reasons for what happened, try to put yourself in the place of another person. In therapy, the empty chair technique is often used for this, when you build a dialogue on behalf of a partner and look at what happened through his eyes: how could he evaluate your meetings? This will help to move away from the imaginary image of a man and assess the situation more impartially.
Live your life
If a person disappeared, he had reasons for it. Do not cause yourself additional pain with persistent calls and messages. “It is better to switch your impulses to social activity,” suggests Marina Myaus. – Transform the emotional energy that destroys you into creative energy.
Make yourself a rigid schedule of current tasks and activities – you should not have a single moment of freedom. Do what you have been planning for a long time, meet friends and other men. Then the excess energy directed now at the partner who has “missed from the radar” will gradually dissipate. A lack of attention can cause a new interest in the other side, and then it will be up to you to decide whether to continue the relationship.
If the man never appears again, you should thank him for this: it means that he was never really close and did not have time to take a significant place in your life.