Why do men not appreciate care and kindness?

What heroines of fairy tales, movies or cartoons did you like as a child? Gerda, Cinderella, Little Mermaid? Or some of the modern characters? Close your eyes and try to remember honestly. If you remembered, for example, Gerda, then most likely in life happiness in love is not easy for you to get. Through trials, a long road in the snow, tears and overcoming. This is the scenario of a rescue woman or a serial wife of an alcoholic, a cold man, a workaholic and other unavailable partners.

Triangular mirages of love

It so happens that love addiction usually hides behind all relationships labeled “everything is complicated”. Why? If we are not talking about addiction, any person can distinguish what is bad for him and what is good. and choose for yourself at least not the worst option. For example, not expired and fatty foods, but something healthy and appetizing.

A person who is in the shackles of dependence also distinguishes the bad from the good, but these two poles in his head are constantly changing places. That indifference and rudeness begin to seem like a sign of strength, then care — a sign of contemptible weakness. Of course, with such confusion in the head, everything is definitely complicated.

Karpman triangle. Within this triangle, participants constantly play 3 roles: Rescuer, Persecutor and Victim. However, everyone begins to walk around its corners from their favorite peak.

In this article I will talk about the rescuers — the kind and strong Gerdas, who go through obstacles for their boy with a cold heart. Unlike a fairy tale, the boy remains cold, and the obstacles only multiply over the years. Why?

It would seem that such a strong and noble girl, with a warm heart, full of love and good intentions. How can you not love her? In theory, it is impossible, but in practice, this kind soul quite unconsciously, but very stubbornly, starts and continues all relationships from the position of looking for weakness in another person. For clarity, I will tell the story of Katya.

I see the goal and do not notice the obstacles

Katya chose her future husband while still in high school. Dima met all her criteria: handsome, popular, smart, promising. Yes, it had a couple of minor flaws. He loved the attention of girls, they reciprocated, and he also liked to go out with friends and drink. Katya was sure that one had only to wait and be patient, how everything would work out.

In the meantime, she made friends with his friends, they went to bars together. She endured when he put her out the door, after his stormy night (and this happened every Friday) she came with soup and waited until the next girl left her beloved. After all, it is clear that they all mean nothing to him, hormones are seething, friends have a bad effect. He will sober up, grow up and appreciate all these months, and then years, that she dutifully waited for him.

In her eyes, she was a patient and wise woman who fights for her own happiness. And not only for his own — Dima can only be happy with her, and with others he will obviously get drunk or become infected with something.

Or maybe I wouldn’t have forgotten, but it was very scary to check. It was important to find something in which she could be useful to him, each of his bad habits was in her favor. True, what he himself would like, she did not begin to find out. Firstly, he could want some nonsense, and secondly, what if she could not give it to him?

The story has such an ending. Katya married Dima after 10 years of dating. She managed to get pregnant, and the mother, the absolute authority for her son, convinced him that it was time to settle down. How do they live? Dima drinks, is not interested in the child, who has become for him a noose around his neck, holding him in a hated marriage, and takes a walk. His career prospects did not work out.

All this suits Katya — if her husband still had the strength and ambition to choose his own life, he would have left her long ago. Whether to another woman or to an independent life, where you can already stop eating these boring soups.

Close friends of Katya consider her an innocent sufferer. Dima is mired in endless feelings of guilt, shame and hopeless depression. And these feelings very often lead to alcoholism. But this is nothing, but the family and everything is like with people. Katya dreams of a second child, but “you will shake this mattress for now” …

Why didn’t he love her?

The answer is this. Remember how Kai thawed out? Gerda wept and melted his heart. There is no need to cry — this is a metaphor for the ability to give up on time. Just decide for yourself that all investments are lost, forgive and let go.

Usually, clients ask a completely different question: “How then did you have to behave in order to still fall in love?” This is the very first sign of a never-giving winner (she is also a lifeguard). So much effort, years, gifts, hopes have already been invested. Beloved is overinvested in all this to the eyeballs. Now he must be forced to fall in love and marry. Find a weak spot or create this weakness out of the blue and start helping. Make you starve, and then treat with pies.

That, in fact, is why Dima did not fall in love with Katya. He was bored with her, he was tired of reproaches, feelings of guilt, accumulated debts to her for imposed services. He didn’t fall in love, because with her he turned into a weak victim, a boy whose mother (or rather, Katya) knows better whether he should walk or have dinner.

If Katya would have tried to allow herself not to win, then perhaps from afar she would have better seen what Dima really is, what his dreams and desires are. It could turn out that the most important thing he needed was space and the ability to breathe. I would not be surprised if after some time he himself came to her and they would have developed a different, but good and lasting relationship.

If you need another happy ending

If Katya’s story seemed like a pleasant prospect to you, then the recipe is clear. Patience, perseverance, friendship with the mother. Ideally, acquire the ability to ignore what you don’t like. I am sure that if you choose a suitable conscientious man, then perhaps not the first time, but the second or third you will definitely succeed. As Dima says: “Everyone dreams of such a wife who loves and cares so much. Why don’t I feel anything for her?

If suddenly you would like other, simpler relationships, then you will have to understand yourself for some time. My experience as a psychologist is that analyzing your scenarios does not solve the problem by itself, but you can take the following steps as a start:

• Remember how all your relationships usually begin. Do you see the lifeguard script in your life?

• Which of the fairy-tale heroines did you name your favorite? Why do you like her so much, what qualities attract you in her?

• What is behind this role for you? Were there any such role models in your family?

• What are your triggers — role reversal points? At what point, for example, do you go from rescuer to victim?

• What does the wounded and hopeful self say? (Which is good and which is bad?)

• On which partners (in what role position) do you usually “turn on”? If the role is difficult to determine, then describe the character traits. Or think about who your favorite male movie characters are. What is their character?

• How and who usually ends your relationship?

Having painted your scenario in detail, you will already begin to more consciously approach the choice of partners and your actions. Choice and awareness are no longer shackles and a dead end, but the path to a new fairy tale.

For example, this: “There was a girl, and she really wanted to get married. But for a long time she felt unhappy, because the boys she liked didn’t like or appreciate her at all, no matter how hard she tried. And then one day everything changed … «